catlover, I know this wasn't the point of your post, but about your daughter:
How can you trust a man when the one man you know best doesn't know himself? She is aware of his current struggles with CSA (found out accidentally) and I think it helps her understand, but this may affect her her whole life.
I'm sure it has affected her. If it gave her very high standards when it comes to men, that's a good thing . Having the world's most honest, decent, faithful father, taught me to believe the best of everyone. I'm sure you can imagine the pitfalls of that approach!
Your daughter has a role model for emotional well-being in you. She also knows that her dad is working hard to be whole and healthy. Maybe counseling would be good for her so she could verbalize the qualities she wants in a man and how those look in action.
As for your son, does your H talk to him about his own journey to heal from childhood and become more open and giving? Messages from his father's own life would be powerful.
To get back to your rant, of course I totally agree! Maybe part of the problem is that, at least for Americans, we have this proud individualism. If I asked OW whether she would have stolen my iPad, she would say, "No, but you don't own WH." You can't own a person, so it's not stealing. As if WH is a lone individual, not a crucial member of an interdependent web of family relationships.
I'm sure she also sees herself as primarily a separate individual with a right to pursue her happiness any way she sees fit. She doesn't feel a responsibility to society as a whole, or any connection to our children. OW is not married, but if she were, I doubt she would consider her marriage to be one of the building blocks of society, or her home to be a haven for friends, family and children.
So, she doesn't see the disrespect she showed when she wheedled her way into our family. She doesn't know how it feels to be intimately interconnected with a community of people. For that, I pity her.
WH realizes more every day the effects his affair, and his childhood damage had on us. But, we a so much wiser and we are healing.