SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/13/2013 08:09 AM

Things have been going OK or something like OK. First MC appt is tomorrow (we're both doing IC). The OW ended their three-month relationship and WH says that he is glad because it gave him an opportunity to realize what he wants, blah blah blah. I found about about the A a month after it ended and he wants R. WH and the OW attend a lot of the same events and he says (and it appears to be true) that she does not acknowledge his presence and while he says it's awkward for him, that is just fine with me. It's not been easy but I am mostly hopeful. Until today. This morning, I gave into the urge to check up on WH and read his email. I saw that he messaged her last night saying it was nice to see her and that he hoped she liked the performer. She did not reply (counting my blessings!)but still, I think the fact that she is ignoring him is making her that much more appealing--especially since D-day I have been not the easiest person with whom to live. Any input appreciated!

atsenaotie posted 6/13/2013 08:50 AM

Hi WheepingBuddhist,

I saw that he messaged her last night saying it was nice to see her and that he hoped she liked the performer.

This is not a good sign, he is not NC. It shows he is still thinking of her, and could be taken as a "fishing" attempt. It makes me think it is awkward being at events with her because she is ignoring or maintaining NC with him.

R is not possible without NC. Since he broke NC based on seeing her at event, is it at all possible for him not to attend these events? Many WSs do give up jobs to maintain NC with their FOP. My FWW left a job and has remained out of similar work to avoid OP despite unstable employment since dday.

I would hold this specific information for now so that he does not shift to a new and secret email or other communication technique.

It is not her action or inaction and level of appealing to be concerned with. The WS projects their desires and feelings onto the OP. Your WH is making her appealing in his mind, and that is why NC is so vitally important.

MC may be a good opportunity to discuss NC without giving up your specific knowledge.

-Ats

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/13/2013 09:06 AM

Thanks for your perspective; I've been an absolute wreck since I saw this. I don't know if it's possible for him not to attend--I haven't asked and it seemed like just one more thing to be unhappy about at a time when there are bigger fish about which to worry. His selfishness around this IS something I'd hoped to work on through MC. I am going to try to get through today. I hate how I have changed because of his behavior.

Skan posted 6/13/2013 11:47 AM

Hey there. Blah blah blah is right. He's saying the correct words, but his actions show you that he isn't NC and he isn't fully invested in your M right now. May I make a suggestion?

I'd go to MC tomorrow, and when the MC asks why you're there, I would make him go first. Let him tell the MC why you are both there. And then, at the opportune time, say when he is going on and on about how much he wants you and to R with you, pull the info out, gentlelly lay it on the table (as it were), and then sit there and say nothing.

One, you're going to find out if your MC is worth going to or not, because if he says anything other than some variation of "you're still cheating on your BW" to WH, then that's a good sign that you might have the wrong counciler. Two, hopefully your MC will 2x4 your WH upside the head for you and drive in that what he's doing is wrong. Three, the shock of being outed like that may actually penetrate your WHs fog.

I'll be sending you lots of Mojo and prayers of strength thru tomorrow.

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/13/2013 11:59 AM

I like that; I would like to hear him say why he is there! thanks for the positive vibes!

1Faith posted 6/13/2013 12:11 PM

Weeping

I am so sorry that you are here and that this has happened to you. No one deserves the lies and deceit of infidelity or it's aftermath.

Him messaging her is complete bullshit.

NC means NC means NO CONTACT.

He is reaching out to her to see if he can rekindle any of the old feelings and start contact. He is LYING to you.

Time for you to look up the 180 and hit him hard.

He is seeking attention from the OW. He can't be committed to R.

Of course you haven't been easy to live with. You have been lied to, cheated on, and you are heartbroken at the hands of your husband. How could you not be hurting especially knowing he is still contacting her. Don't beat yourself up over that. Your reactions are the fall out of his stupid and selfish choices.

You matter. Don't lose sight of that in trying to "fix" this.

He is the one that needs to change.

Hope MC goes well. Good luck.

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/13/2013 12:32 PM

Thanks! It so hard to not get sucked into reacting to his bullshit. I'm going to take Skan's suggestion and see where MC goes tomorrow.

It appears this is the first time he has broken the NC and how he deals with it will help me decide what happens next. I don't need to make any decision today and that feels good.

Skan posted 6/13/2013 15:25 PM

Someone here gave me the advice to NOT go first when we met with our MC and it was fantastic advice. It really let me know where his head was at. We walked in, sat down, and the councilor asked us why were there. FWH looked at me and I said, I think that this is your question to answer, and then shut up and didn't say a word for about 15 minutes. It was a very telling 15 minutes. (((hugs)))

Edith posted 6/13/2013 15:34 PM

So sorry to hear this WB.

Based on my experience, I would NOT go to MC with this man. It is a waste of time and $$. My H lied to several MCs, swore he was NC, which was not true.

I would cancel the MC and pull out the 180. Take good care, my dear.

E.

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/14/2013 07:00 AM

I'll likely not be back on line until Monday and the appt is this evening so keep the good vibes coming. When I got home last night, he had a sweet card for me by the key dish (something he knows I love and that he has done a couple of times since reading the 5 Languages) and had been doing "house" things (which has been really consistent since D-day). I'll see what happens at the MC appt. I am willing to see how this plays out for now.

Edith, I can appreciate your point, but I think that in light of his behavior since D-Day, since breaking NC (and during the A, actually) I am willing to see if he wants to make our marriage (and my happiness) a priority.

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/17/2013 07:22 AM

Since I'm sure you've all been anxiously waiting for an update: I liked the counselor and WS did, too. He went first (thanks!!!) and while I thought he did more rationalizing than I would have liked, he was really straightforward that he was wrong, regretful, and wants to repair our relationship. It was mostly a "getting to know you" session, but we talked about WS and the OW attending events and the MC was great! He said, this is extraordinary time and maaaaybe WS need to not do things that would ordinarily be fine. He was very gentle about the message, but it appeared to connect. He touched on NC but I didn't mention the text. "How to help your spouse heal after your affair" was waiting in the mail when we returned home and he started reading it over the weekend. Maybe I should have brought up the text in the session but since she didn't reply and I don't know, I just wanted to see where things went. I checked his phone on Sat and the message to her had been deleted as had her contact info. I'm going to see what happens.

atsenaotie posted 6/17/2013 07:27 AM

Thank you for the update Weeping Buddist. It sounds like a good session, there is some degree of the couple and therapist getting to know each other. Our MC also met with each of us individually to find out what we actually wanted in the MC and our M.

I think it is fine you did not mention the text. Keep your cards and sources close to your vest as you watch your WH's behaviors.

1Faith posted 6/17/2013 11:39 AM

Weeping

Thanks for sharing your positive outlook and experience.

I hope things continue to go well.

Keep moving. We're rooting for you.

Skan posted 6/17/2013 14:14 PM

I'm so glad that things went well. Hang onto your evidence and stay viligent. Who knows? Maybe he IS getting it! I hope so, for your sake. (((hugs)))

Jospehine85 posted 6/17/2013 16:28 PM

(((WeepingBuddhist)))

During the course of my WH's A he did feel some guilt and actually broke it off with his AP for a month, and told her they had to be just friends.

Her response showed that she had been doing some research and she went NC on him. She even used that terminology.

Well during the period they were "broken up" if he tried to chat with her online in a friendly manner, she would say she was sorry but she needed to reinstate NC and hang up.

Needless to say, his desire for ego stroking was so strong that he went back to the "I love you, let's spend the rest of our lives together", she immediately rewarded him and started chatting with him all day long and they resumed planning their life together.

Your OW could be doing the same to your WH. She may be forcing him in to an all or nothing situation. OR her BS found out.

Tread carefully here. He may not be in love with her, but he is feeling down about himself and turning back to her again for ego strokes.

He isn't going to turn to you for strokes, because looking at you triggers feelings of being a failure in him. Just as looking at him triggers feelings of being betrayed for you, etc.

[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 4:29 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/18/2013 09:45 AM

I'm in the "trust but verify" mode right now. I'm going out of town for a few days and I'll see if he finishes reading the "how to help" book while I'm gone.

Getting to Happy posted 6/19/2013 11:17 AM

Tread carefully here. He may not be in love with her, but he is feeling down about himself and turning back to her again for ego strokes.

Purchase a couple of VAR's and put them in his car or office. Get small ones and use velcro.

He will definitely feel freer to communicate while your gone.

If nothing shows up on the VAR's then you can throw a few chits in the 'trust bucket'.

Please protect your heart.