SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I am discovering one unhealthy pattern after the another. And I m getting so tired of this shit.

People close to me have HUGE influence on my emotional state. I used to think that was good thing, I used to feel more connected and that I could understand their feelings.

Hmm… so I have been trying to put in a boundary where I don’t try to carry somebody else’s pain. Which in itself is tiring. Seeing CL angry/hurt all the time and not internalizing it has been huge. Its still a work in progress. Anyways I also stopped guessing whats going on in other person’s mind. This also has been a work in progress. Most of the times I tell myself “I don’t really know how he/she feels. I need to ask” and the guessing games stop.

When I dig deeper, my emotional states are triggered with his emotional states. (it goes with anybody I am close to) So if he is sad.. I am sad.. If he is angry I get depressed, if he is fine I am fine and so on. From last couple of sessions my IC has been asking me to describe how do I feel, what do I want etc. Most of the times I just go blank. How do *I* feel?? I dont know but he sad/angry and I am depressed bcz of that.

Honestly if I take people close to me out my life.. it doenst really matter. What I want or how I feel.. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Anyways the only way I know to get myself back to normal is by making sure CL is back to normal. That’s the reason I used to cling on him so much. Now I have stopped that. But I am still in funk till the time he isn’t back to normal. I give him space.. don’t cling but still I cant get myself back to normal if he isn’t.

Yesterday he was depressed and not talking to me at all. That made me depressed and I just couldnt get back to normal on my own. Bcz he wasnt. Finally I did push myself to cook my favorite dish. And it did make me feel better. Eventhough it took hrs for me to finally get up and start cooking. CL still was in the funk when I started cooking but by the time I was done, I enjoyed eating and CL was back to normal. SO I guess that’s a small victory.

BUT again today I am depressed as CL was in bad mood today morning. Its been 6 hrs now that I have reached office. And I just don’t feel like working. I am staring at screen doing nothing feeling depressed .. asking myself “whats the use?”. Doing things for ME feels like a foreign concept. Errrrr.. and then I push myself a bit and I get angry thinking whats wrong with me .. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.. just a rant I guess .

My IC is not a fan of labeling things. So even after I asked her if its codependency or something else or if I should read books.. she consistently maintained that only I knew what would make me feel better.. so I should stop searching for it in books.. She insists its unfair to put that burden on CL.

Right now I am in funk and NOTHING makes me feel better .. but I am sure one hug from CL and I would be jumping with joy .. errrrr.. I need to break this pattern .. and it seems so hard.

[This message edited by EmotionalFool at 8:43 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]

I used to call this "empathy," and I really wanted to have it - to be able to predict what people were thinking, to be able to feel an echo of their emotions, and to make myself vulnerable to them. Some of that is healthy empathy, but the "making yourself vulnerable" part isn't.

CL is about the only person in your life that you should make yourself vulnerable to. While it's still unhealthy to be tethered to his emotional state, it makes more sense to me to be tethered to his than to a bunch of random peoples' feelings whom you happen to be around in the moment.

Boundaries - particularly establishing for yourself what you feel comfortable sharing with and hearing from others - might help you shore up a lot of this stuff, as well as giving you a chance to establish an identity. It sounds as if you don't like being at the mercy of others' emotional states ... so, why do you open yourself up to that? Why do you let yourself be carried around by CL's emotions? Why haven't you determined what it is that YOU want to feel or think in these situations?

There aren't any Thought Police (yet). Therefore, it is by your choice that you think/feel the way you do. It is your openness to others' influence that allows the influence to affect you in the first place.

Does that make sense?

EF,

What were you like as a child? Did you tend to take on everyone else's feelings, Have you always been like this?

Try writing down what YOU are feeling every hour to two hours every day. This can help you get in touch with your own feelings. Sounds like you have lost that ability.

It sounds as if you don't like being at the mercy of others' emotional states

No.. nothing like that.. I am only realizing it now that I tend to do this.. I never felt I was at the mercy of other’s emotions

What were you like as a child? Did you tend to take on everyone else's feelings, Have you always been like this?

Yeah .. now I can see that. My family and friends used to tell me that I was too emotional and it wasn’t good for me. But I din really know how to change that. Also I felt nice that I could connect so well with people’s emotions
Well it did affect me always if people around me were stressed/sad/depressed/angry. When my IC started asking me these questions initially I would just go blank. Yesterday when I had a session with her and CL was way more depressed, I was depressed too. When she asked me what *I* was feeling. I said, honestly I don’t really feel bad. I am kind of excited today. And yet I was crying throughout the session. I don’t even need him to talk me out of it. I just need to know that he is fine and I am ok… if he is upset and I am doing fine emotionally I feel guilty thinking I have put him in this emotional state and I feel fine.... errr.. its too messy
When I read/write/discuss thing intellectually I can see this behavior is wrong but when I am actually in it.. I don’t know how to handle the situation. I did try to take an account of my emotionas but most of the times it ends up like “I am sad bcz he is angry” “I am feeling normal bcz he seems to be doing ok today” and like that

Don't do the exercise like that. Go with the first feeling you feel. Not "because of what he feels"
and then leave it. Just write the first thing that pops in your head. I think you start analyzing things and think you should be feeling a certain way because he is feeling that way.

How about looking at it this way. A healthy partner does their best to be at their strongest when their partner is at their weakest to help them through their challenges. If you're both down at the same time, you'll both continue to wallow around and not recover.

Don't feel guilty feeling ok when he's down. Feel giving in that you can be strong enough for both of you when he has his low moments.