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Those darn boundaries!

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surreal posted 6/13/2013 09:18 AM

So is it ok to cross boundaries if you are not attracted to a person?
WH is on a business trip. Stayed an extra day so he and co worker could attend a meeting together. He just told me yesterday after I asked who else was going. He drove them to the meeting this am. Not sure if it was just them. . Seems innocent? Or does it stink a little?

Ill be asking lots of questions when he gets home.

confused615 posted 6/13/2013 09:24 AM

Nope. It doesn't matter. A boundary is a boundary..period.

He went on a business trip with a female coworker..and you didn't know the coworker was a female until yesterday?

There are many WS here on SI who have said they were not attracted to their AP..they were attracted to the validation,the ego boost,etc. An affair is very rarely about the AP.

I think you have cause to worry.

Im sorry.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:24 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]

2married2quit posted 6/13/2013 09:28 AM

You may not want to pounce on him, but you may want to bring it up to his attention because he lost all trust and he's on thin ice. This is how affairs start.

brokensmile322 posted 6/13/2013 10:09 AM

I guess I don't get the "had to stay an extra day to attend a meeting."

Why? And why was he not forthcoming about it?

I agree that I would not pounce on him, but I would have alot of questions. My WH worked with his OW. He also was not attracted to his OW at first. Somewhere that changed. I suspect when he got to know her better.

Anyway, if this was my WH, I would be explaining the need for full disclosure about who will be on these trips and the itinerary. In other words, I would need to see emails documenting the 'need' to stay an extra day.

This is of course me. What used to just roll off no longer does. I am now very cynical.

TXBW68 posted 6/13/2013 10:35 AM

As much as I hate to say this, I think you have to look at work situations on a case by case basis instead of using the blanket "no females" boundary. And I say this even though my H left me for a co-worker.

He just went to Houston for a conference. He flew down with 2 women. My H got a car for all of them. The only way I was ok with this is because I know these women. While they (and their husbands) supported him as a friend during our separation, they never supported his A with COW#4. They told him he was making a mistake. BUT, they all work closely together. So they tried to help him stay sane during our separation - just as mine did for me. They are in full support of us being back together.

Was the extra day planned as part of the overall trip Prior to him leaving? Do you know this person? Was it just a convenience of her not renting a car? Were there other people from his work who also attended the meeting?

If the answers to these questions are "NO", I would be furious! Time to put on the bitch boots and explain how boundaries work. Maybe a little reading from "Not Just Friends".

Also, we have a list of boundaries with clearly defined consequences. A list like that may be in order. Or a refresher course if you've already covered all of this with him.


surreal posted 6/13/2013 10:51 AM

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to post your thoughts.

He did tell me before the trip that "everyone else" was coming home Wednesday night. He wanted to stay for a meeting this am. It didn't come out until last night that his female coworker was staying too. He was driving them to the meeting because he is the only one who can get on military base. (?). Really?
I do not know her personally. He tells me that she is not his type at all. And we live in Texas now and folks here don't do that sort of thing.

I'm pretty sure that I'm overreacting. His affair was with a co worker when he was working out of town.

I will gently ask him about it tonight. I really think he likes that validation and admiration from a subordinate.

What bothers me the most is that it just seems sneaky. Not lying, just withholding info that he knows I wouldn't like.

Six years out and still working on ME. I need to take care of me and fill my own happiness as bucket!

Thanks again. I so very much appreciate all of you!!

Rebreather posted 6/13/2013 11:12 AM

What tends to make other people attractive to us is spending time together and crossing boundaries. So he has a very misguided notion of what purpose boundaries serve.

And the whole "I wouldn't do anything because she is a troll" excuse just kills me. So what you are saying is, if she WAS NOT a troll, then you'd be banging her six ways from Sunday? The ONLY thing standing in your way of hot monkey sex is her underlying trollness? I mean, really? That is what is supposed to make us feel better and trust they understand what their role as a partner is? The statement is so illogical and well, stupid, it makes me go all hot and itchy inside my brain.

[This message edited by Rebreather at 11:12 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]

surreal posted 6/13/2013 13:28 PM

^^^ I laughed out loud and choked on my Big Mac (sympathy meal)! I know it wasn't meant to be funny but its so true it just caught me off guard! Geez!

uniquenewyork posted 6/13/2013 13:45 PM

Both of my WW's (recent) AP's were "assholes", according to her.
So, I always wondered if I should try to be more like them to win her over...

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