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Did your WS downplay A's?

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libertyrocks posted 6/13/2013 09:50 AM

Just curious if any of your WS's downplayed the seriousness of the other relationships they had.

H apparently had a girlfriend of over a year. I know because I met with her, she showed m pictures of them, (he looked really happy) said they loved each other. That's her story. SHE HAD NO IDEA he was married with kids. She was in shock and cried when I told her I was his wife. She's only 23 years old.

His story, is she was a loser, drank, smoked, slept with other guys, she was ugly, he didn't love her...

What I beleive. He fucking loved this girl out of all of them. He bought her concert tickets for Valentine's Day, took her to sporting events, spent money on her, took her to hotels.

But, when I asked her if he ever took her shopping, bought her flowers or jewelry, she said no.

My mind still flip flops over the truth. I know her side, his side, and know how distanct and nonexistent he was to me and our babies during this time.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:12 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]

ReunitePangea posted 6/13/2013 10:07 AM

Of course my WW did, I think it is a standard play out of the WS handbook. To some extent I can understand why this is. If you did something really bad I think your mind has to downplay it for you to move on from it. That doesn't make it right but just makes it make sense. I think it takes a bit for the WS to understand that the M is just spinning its wheels if they continue to not face what they did. Also I think there is a difference in some WS on how they feel now versus then.

I would caution spending too much time comparing stories of the AP to your WH. The AP is likely skilled at lying as well just like your WH was and/or is. The difference is that you are developing a much better understanding to recognize when your WH is lying or not lying now. You also can see your WH actions everyday to use as evidence to check if he is meaning what he is saying. You have no clue about when the AP is lying or not so I wouldnt put much weight into anything they say.

libertyrocks posted 6/13/2013 10:10 AM

Actually, she had NO IDEA he was married with kids. I felt bad for her. He lied to her about everything and created this image of who he was for her. So, IMO, she had no motive for lying to me.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/13/2013 10:41 AM

libertyrocks - At some point WS will downplay the A. I have several reasons why this happens - wanting to forget about it, not wanting BS to think relationship was serious, denial of truth, not acknowledging their behavior, maybe trying to be a cake eater and other reasons that I found not very helpful for me to process and understand. No matter if they acknowledge the AP meant something to them or the AP was a horrible person who they no longer think about, the fact is they cheated.

I wouldn't believe WS or AP. I would not believe the AP stories more than WS stories. The AP has no reason to tell you the truth. The AP either make wants you to go away or cause more problems. The one thing you can believe is you probably never get the whole truth or the why. I did eventually talk to OW and she tried to downplay what they did together and their discussions. When I would let her off the hook so easy she eventually told me "it sounds like he pretty much told you everything". The only positive thing from talking to the AP was I now don't have to question why I didn't talk to her.

I wish I had tips to help stop the flip flops over the truth. The only thing I try to keep telling myself is focus on the positive changes and not let the doubts build into a avalanche and take control. That is the only advice I have and sometimes I have a hard time following it myself.

crazyblindsided posted 6/13/2013 14:17 PM

Oh absolutely, until I uncovered all of his deleted texts Couldn't downplay at that point. I had my WH backed into a corner. I will never understand.

Chefj9 posted 6/13/2013 14:24 PM

Just curious if any of your WS's downplayed the seriousness of the other relationships they had.

Downplayed it to the point of lunacy. He told me that they had only gone out once, she never spent the night at his hotel and that he only slept with her about 10 times.

The truth, they practically lived together while he was on the road. She traveled with him, and spent the night all the time, they literally slept together 100's of times. He also failed to mention that he asked her to marry him and to wait 4-5 years until our kids were in college, then they would be together for ever.... he down playing to a whole new level.

[This message edited by Chefj9 at 2:25 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

1Faith posted 6/13/2013 16:24 PM

Of course they do because they can't be honest with themselves let alone the BS.

If they are trying to save the M then they will minimize this because they know the truth will cause more hurt and dig their hole even deeper.

Know that he was living in fantasy la la escape land. Nothing was based on honesty or truth - nothing. He was hiding in a fantasy life.

As much as we want to make sense of it we never will. Ego based not logically based.

Don't drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of nonsense. You never will.

(((Hugs)))

stunnedin12 posted 6/13/2013 16:32 PM

Oh for sure wh downplayed it. The stupidity was part of how I learned the seriousness of it all. The more he protested, the more I knew.

If I were as much of a nobody as OW, my phone would have blown apart from all the phone calls and texts! I'm still working on one specific weekend to get a timeline question straightened out. I am betting he'll downplay that too. I also want to check a date/calls/texting from when my good friend passed away. If he was yapping with her that day, his balls are on the chopping block.

[This message edited by stunnedin12 at 4:35 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

libertyrocks posted 6/14/2013 09:09 AM

1Faith...

Don't drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of nonsense. You never will.

Good advice here, sweetie. Thanks. Big hug back.

H's ex girlfriend was apparently playing the victim. SHe led me on to believe they were boyfriend and girlfriend. Then, she told me she was dating other guys half the time she was dating FWH...They both told me the slept together 10x in over a year. Shoot, when I met my H, we had sex 10times in one week! It wasn't love. I finally believe my H, he just wanted someone to drink with...

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