You are perfectly normal for your vacillating feelings. We have all been there. Healing is a process and it just takes time. That ugly four letter word time.
I wish there was a magic wand to make it all better but sadly there is not. You have to feel everything you feel and move through it. It stinks. It does.
Of course it is okay not to know what you want. You have been dealt a devastating blow and you are still in shock. It is a lot to absorb. Give yourself some time and some room.
Try IC just for you. You need time to figure out what you need. MC is great but you can't always heal with the person who hurt you is in the room with you.
Timeline of Recovery
I found on another site...Hope this helps..
Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?
A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm.
Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.
D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.
6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.
9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.
Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness
14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.
18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.
20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.
22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself. The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.
One day at a time...keep moving....