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What are you doing to help

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huRtZ413 posted 6/13/2013 10:17 AM

R is a struggle trying to figure out where you are emotionally and trying to find a way to continue on with you WS and make changes and getting to a better place. What is your part in R what are you doing to help along the process? Is it ok to not know what you want ? Even though I believe I got the full truth from WH I haven't come to terms with it's sooo hard I just want to be erased from the planet sometimes see how much he loves me and to look back at his mistake its so hard to understand .... He is doing the work but feel no R happening on my part ...I take shots at him often idk how to control my burst MC says I need to focus on the positives of each other plan a future and so on ..... I'm sad , depressed , tired, angry, confused, in love, in hate ....

confused615 posted 6/13/2013 10:26 AM

I think your MC is giving bad advice. You're less than 2 months out,and she wants you to focus on the future and move forward. Sounds like rugsweeping.

As for what am I doing to help R? Im reading books,reading and posting on SI,taking care of ME,and Im allowing him to prove he means it *this time.*

But,honestly,after nearly 3 years of being the only one doing the hard work to R,Im exhausted. So Im taking care of ME..and letting him take care of me too,lol.

losingmyground posted 6/13/2013 10:26 AM

I don't know how to help you in reconciliation. I wouldn't give him the time of day if it happened a second time.

Maybe you have just hardened yourself because of his multiple betrayals. I think you should if you have any want to keep the marriage.

All the emotions you are speaking of are completely normal. You CANNOT force yourself not to feel them. And to stuff them down deep only makes it worse in the long run.

Give yourself some time.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/13/2013 11:12 AM

I don't have more advice than what confused and losingmyground gave you. Try not to get into mean name calling. When you talk about your feelings try to be calm and articulate your feelings. I know it is hard because you are hurt, angry and feel insecure about your relationship. I can't believe the MC expects you to fast forward your emotions and get to focus on the positive and the future after only founding out less than two months ago. Maybe you need IC to work on your emotions without your WS there. How do you feel about the MC? Is it helping? Your range of emotions are normal and in time will get better after you work through the emotion of disbelief, anxiety and anger. It is like a step program. You need to work through the steps and taking short cuts will not help you any faster. Take your time, read and strive to work towards a positive outcome.

At where you are at it is ok to not know what you want. That is why you need to work through the steps to get to what you want and be comfortable with whatever your decision is. Take your time to figure it out.

ItsaClimb posted 6/13/2013 12:43 PM

Honestly, it takes time. I used to hate it when I read that here on SI... I wanted the quick fix, the short-cut. But it's true. It takes time. It is more than ok not to know what you want... it's to be expected. Finding out you have been cheated on is a trauma and it takes a while to process that and to figure out what you want.

What is your part in R what are you doing to help along the process?

Trying to be patient with him and with me

Trying to control my angry outbursts, but not to the point where I bottle it up and then explode all over the place! This is a VERY fine line!

Educating myself about infidelity, reconciliation, co-dependency and all the other related topics.

Trying really hard to not let my anger cloud my appreciation of all the effort my fWH is going to to fix his issues, to show his remorse, to love me the way he should have loved me all along.

Learning to trust fWH again.

Now that I am very nearly 10 months out I am trying to let go of the pain and to stop obsessing (not something I would recommend at your stage!)

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 12:44 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

JustWow posted 6/13/2013 12:56 PM

you contribute to R by processing what you need to. Anger, denial, bargaining, accepting, lather rinse repeat. You do what you need to do to be healthy. You do your best to do no harm to the relationship.

It takes 2 healthy people to build a healthy relationship. Burying negative feelings alive isn't healthy - it isn't processing them. What is buried alive - STAYS ALIVE. It will come out sooner or later.

A healthy M doesn't require you to betray yourself. This stuff is hard, and just needs to be worked through. No sugarcoated shortcuts. They don't work.

[This message edited by JustWow at 12:57 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

1Faith posted 6/13/2013 13:06 PM


You are perfectly normal for your vacillating feelings. We have all been there. Healing is a process and it just takes time. That ugly four letter word time.

I wish there was a magic wand to make it all better but sadly there is not. You have to feel everything you feel and move through it. It stinks. It does.

Of course it is okay not to know what you want. You have been dealt a devastating blow and you are still in shock. It is a lot to absorb. Give yourself some time and some room.

Try IC just for you. You need time to figure out what you need. MC is great but you can't always heal with the person who hurt you is in the room with you.

Timeline of Recovery

I found on another site...Hope this helps..

Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm.

Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.

D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself. The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

One day at a time...keep moving....

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