She and her husband recently split up, but before they split, my husband and hers became friends. My H got him a job at his place of work and they worked together for about a year. My H is the type who always offers help and a place to stay, to someone when they are down and out, but I sort of wish he had not been so "kind" to this particular man.
Yes, I knew she was unhappy in the M, but I can't say that I really knew why, or whether I could determine whether it was both their faults. I told her I thought they were "codependent." I think she really took offense to that, but you know what? I still think so. Or worse, I think her marriage problems may very well have been as much her fault as his (as far as I know, no cheating on either side). But I tried to be as tactful and non-judgmental, and not take sides, as possible. (I believe she thought the only right thing would be to take HER side, and I am not considered loyal because I did not take a strong stance for her side (whatever it is).
I never did anything to indicate I took his side...until he came here needing a place to stay and my H said he could, and I also allowed it, for a few days. I still said I didn't want to be in the middle...but I guess I was smack in the middle!
He had a plan, has left and I don't expect him to be back. But my friend considers this a horrible betrayal. While I am sitting here like I'm all innocent, I must say my intuition told me she would be upset, but instead of calling her right away (she didn't know he was here) I decided to wait until he was gone and things settled a bit. This was a mistake but I certainly don't know the outcome would have been any different if I had called her right away. I sense that if I did not see her as 100% victim in all this, then she would consider me not supportive, and not a good friend.
She just sent me a text saying she is NOT CODEPENDENT and I have no idea how much she sacrificed. Well, I won't tell her this at this point, but I don't admire people who "sacrifice" everything for their family, or whatever she is going to say she sacrificed for. I don't admire martyrs, either.
The only ones I can think of she would be sacrificing for are her sons, but they are not his bio sons and she says he didn't treat them or her well. (I didn't live in her house so I don't know, but it appears he did a hell of a lot for her sons growing up).
But assuming she is right that he treated them all badly, I don't get why staying with him was a sacrifice. I don't get it but I know she is not going to explain it to me at this point, either.
I don't have victim mentality and I don't do well around people who are perpetual victims. She has also turned on another mutual friend but that friend said to her: "you are treating (your H) like shit!" Guess she didn't take it well nor did it open things up for a conversation.
I thought I could be more tactful, but I guess it does not matter. When my friend is done with you, she is done with you.
She also does not speak to her oldest son or his wife. I don't know the details of that either. She never would talk about him other than to imply it is all his fault and she is the victim. I don't buy it.
My H doesn't think I should be so sad, but I am! In spite of the fact I think she has become very unreasonable, she has truly been a wonderful friend to me at many times throughout my life! This hurts. I know I will survive but it still hurts. Just wanted to share it somewhere a bit more anonymous than facebook. Thanks for listening!
Maybe in a few weeks or a few months after the dust settles she will see that you didn't betray her, and she will want to let you back into her life.
Of course, you may not want to be back in her life at that point.
Either way it's hard when friends are angry with us..
((((Bobbi Sue))))
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” ― Pema Chödrön
she has truly been a wonderful friend to me at many times throughout my life!
Perhaps you could send a note to let her know you feel this way. Even if she doesn't respond, at least you can leave things on slightly better terms.
Let the dust settle and send her a handwritten heartfelt letter/card in a few days. Telling her that you had no intention of hurting her, that you will always be there for her, and should she choose to come back and be a friend you will be waiting with open arms. She's known you since 7th grade, so she knows you aren't going to pull any punches or blow sunshine up her rear. All you can do is be who you are, and let her know that you are there for her.
((((and strength))))
I have let her know that I will talk if she ever wants to. I guess that is all I can do. Based on how she has shut others out of her life, though, I guess I will be surprised if she ever wants me back in her life. I feel very bad for her, but I don't agree with all that she is doing, etc. I think she is throwing everyone under the bus that actually cares about her, and only wants to talk to those that "support her" no matter what, and agree with her regardless of what she does or says.
Based on how she has shut others out of her life
(((Bobbi_sue)))
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson "She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
If she has changed her behaviour recently, could it be that she really has been under huge stress in her marriage? That CAN change people for the worse, that's for sure.
"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks
We aren't allowed to talk to her mom or her brothers .. or his brother and the wife. They are in fights with all these people. His dad spends all the holidays regailing me with stories from 40 years ago (before I was born) about the terrible things all of these people have done to them.
Finally one day I told my husband does NO ONE see that the common denominator in all these fights and bad relationships is THEM? That opened his eyes real quick.
Now we are able to just ignore all the drama. Dramaville is clearly a place they want to live, but not us.
So I mean while I am SURE this friendship ending is painful, it may be for the best. She's just looking for a fight and you will never get your fair day in court because she's the victim.
Because in my situation I didn't know if I was the OW at first or if I was being cheated on. Found I was being cheated on.
