SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

So I'm new to this particular forum here, been in the Recon & other's...Obviously the recon part hasn't gone well. I've reached the end of my rope. Anyway, in the interest of trying to keep things civil, I want to serve her with the papers.

Have any of you done this? Any tips?

You need to get legal help--in some states, you cannot just hand her the papers--she would have to be served via a constable or other recognized resource according to the laws of the state.

Talk to an attorney first.

Cat

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I think it really depends on your situation. I had my stbx served but my cousin just gave her ex the papers and told him what to do and sign. She served him because she knew he wouldn't do anything and basically had to have his hands held during the entire process.

I had a process server give STBX the papers.

I did NOT have my STBX served. I simply had my lawyer send the petition and other stuff to her lawyer. There was no embarrassment at her place of work or whatever.

In the interest of keeping things civil, i would recommend what i did. My STBX hadn't even retained the lawyer yet, either. She had a free consult and he agreed to allow the papers to be sent to him.

Now, if the situation had been reversed, i'm sure she would have had me served at work or whatever. But, i'm not her, obviously. Take the high road.

It really depends on your situation and the laws in your state/area. I didn't have to serve STBX because we agreed on getting the D and were able to come to an agreement on terms in an amicable fashion. I got the L and had her draw up the agreements which my STBX reviewed signed and the L is sending it in to the courts.

The first step is to get a lawyer and have them fill you in on the options in your area and for your particular scenario. Just remember this is a business decision and you want to get the best deal possible for yourself so listen to your L and try to leave emotion out of it as best you can.

Sometimes minimizing their embarrassment can be to your benefit.

I had my WXH meet me at a paralegals office, we agreed on all divisions of assets in advance, I filed, he waived his right to be served, and then we just had to wait a couple months for the judge to sign off on it. Never even set foot in a courthouse.

If I had filed separately and had him served, you can bet he would have gone over everything with his family, lawyer-ed up and argued everything. Expediency was my friend.

I divorced my xh not due to infidelity, but spousal rape. He had a choice. I could hand him the papers and he could sign them. The other option was being served at work by police.

[This message edited by jo2love at 12:26 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

Thanks all. I should say that I have consulted with my attorney on this one. This is serving a petition, which I can do, rather than a summons, which would have to be done by a process server etc.

Seems to be a less "aggressive" way to get this process started.

Does she know that D is coming ? If not don't bet she will be that civil. For some reason the WS gets angry when served. No matter how unremorseful or fogged up they are. One would think they should be happy being out of the M. Yet oddly most respond with shock and anger.

No process server. The civ pro rules of my state allow for service by certified mail, so that's what happened. No fuss, no drama, just an orange slip in the mail box.

I did not serve ex because even after all that went down, it just seemed so ... antagonistic. He didn't even get a lawyer - I hired a lawyer (paid for the divorce I didn't see coming nor wanted), we agreed to terms, it was all very civilized.

Flash forward 2 years and he served me at home, totally unexpected, in his modifications suit. Then served me AGAIN 6 weeks later after change in county venue, which violated a statute in my state (because his lawyer was already corresponding with my lawyer, so should have delivered the documents to him).

Does she know that D is coming ? If not don't bet she will be that civil. For some reason the WS gets angry when served. No matter how unremorseful or fogged up they are. One would think they should be happy being out of the M. Yet oddly most respond with shock and anger.

No, she doesn't. But things have been pretty bad, so I can't imagine that she'll be suprised or shocked. We'll see.

I finally served Perv after waiting about a year. I couldn't do it til I felt the rock-bottomness of knowing it truly was over and every avenue exhausted.

And it was one bit of control I could get back, by not waiting for a sheriff to come upon me in the woods where I live.

I'm using a very nice lawyer, after interviewing several and found one with empathy, a family person.

Perv kind of mocked me because he was moving around a lot and not easy to target, so he thought that was a little bit funny, at least that was the impression his message gave.

Where we live, it's done by a plain clothes sheriff and an address has to be had, which Perv has been hiding because it's Ow and he's protecting her.

I hope it goes okay, SSI.

He was served by a process server. I gave him the OW's address, and had him served there. He was really pissed.