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The hard part of Reconciliation

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losingmyground posted 6/13/2013 13:17 PM

I think the hardest part of reconciliation at first is realizing what lead up to the option of the affair. That is owning your own part in the marriage that caused the breakdown, not the affair.

At a year out...it is realizing that I have addressed those issues and now have to sit back and pray that it is enough. That I am enough. That our family is enough.

Also, knowing that if it happens again it will fall squarely on his shoulders. It will mean that he is broken beyond repair and I will leave.

What is the hardest part for you?

crazyblindsided posted 6/13/2013 13:29 PM

The hardest part for me is getting past the part where I feel like I'm betraying myself for staying. My WH broke NC many times with MOW and has not been entirely remorseful. I just feel really taken advantage of. I always put in so much into the M. WH ALWAYS put in the least. We did disconnect emotionally and had been struggling. I can see the breakdown of the M and understand how the A could have happened. What I don't understand is how I have been treated since DDay.

I guess we are in R because we are trying to fix our M, but it is a decision I have to make everyday.

Chefj9 posted 6/13/2013 13:31 PM

The hardest part for me is realizing that it wasn't about me or things that weren't perfect in my M.

If I ask my WH now, what could I have done differently to prevent this, because I felt like I did everything possible to make him happy. He has told me NOW (not in the past) that he was happy with me and loved me very much, but that he's an addict and it wasn't about me or our M.

I have a difficult time understanding the addiction (still learning). I am a logical thinker, and when I apply my logic to his actions, they don't add up. It's very frustrating.

1Faith posted 6/13/2013 13:39 PM

You are enough. Please know that.

The A was not about you. It was about an inability to connect with you. And then choosing to find validation elsewhere.

No marriage is without challenges and I commend you for working on you and how you can be a stronger partner.

I too struggled with "being good enough" - my thinking well if I wasn't good enough before then why am I now? I questioned that for a long time.


The hardest part for me was trusting that it was real. That I was setting myself up to get hurt again if I let my guard down and started to trust.

It was also really hard for me to get past my anger. A year after DDay I was suddenly really pissed off that I had to deal with it all.

I was no longer scared of losing him or our marriage I was just mad. Mad that he could have done this and mad that I was still hurting.

Luckily the anger did subside but it was scary.

Good question. Good luck to you.

RockyMtn posted 6/13/2013 16:43 PM

I'm with crazyblindsided - can't forgive myself for staying. Or, rather, I'm having a hard time accepting that I am accepting this! It doesn't fit with my self-identity, so there is a lot of slogging through to do to understand who I really am and why I'm making the decision to R. But, in a way, this is also a blessing. I;m getting to know my real self versus some outward/constructed self.

The 2nd hardest part is the risk. He's a risky dude. An addict (sober now) and someone who had two As. That is some risky business right there. But I also believe risk is a huge part of an interesting, fruitful life. Not to say I WANT this particular risk. I don;t. But I'm hopeful it is a risk that will pay off.

Rebreather posted 6/13/2013 16:49 PM

can't forgive myself for staying

It took me a long, long time to deal with this. I agree. Hardest.

2married2quit posted 6/13/2013 16:54 PM

Hardest part is making the effort. I feel like SHE should be doing EVERYTHING honestly. She made the choice not I. I do own up to my part of the breakdown of the marriage, but it was such a small part of it all. She said it herself. In my case, it was an unhappiness in her because something is wrong with her (childhood incident). But yet, I'm left with a broken heart, pieces of a marriage, a broken wife and my very little strength to continue.


The hardest part for me is getting past the part where I feel like I'm betraying myself for staying. My WH broke NC many times with MOW and has not been entirely remorseful. I just feel really taken advantage of.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

seekingtomorrow posted 6/13/2013 18:15 PM

the thing im finding hardest is that when i do trust him there's this voice in my head that laughs at me, calls me stupid and naive and generally starts to mock and taunt me. same voice often pipes up when he says he loves me (does he really, rubbish he doesn't or he wouldn't,,, and why should he your not special) when we talk about our future together (you really think hes going to stay with you now hes got his dream job and a good income,, pathetic) and when we try to be intimate (what couldn't find in anywhere else tonight then, guess you'll do)

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