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Reconciliation :
The hard part of Reconciliation

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 losingmyground (original poster member #36070) posted at 7:17 PM on Thursday, June 13th, 2013

I think the hardest part of reconciliation at first is realizing what lead up to the option of the affair. That is owning your own part in the marriage that caused the breakdown, not the affair.

At a year out...it is realizing that I have addressed those issues and now have to sit back and pray that it is enough. That I am enough. That our family is enough.

Also, knowing that if it happens again it will fall squarely on his shoulders. It will mean that he is broken beyond repair and I will leave.

What is the hardest part for you?

Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

posts: 291   ·   registered: Jul. 9th, 2012
id 6372953
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:29 PM on Thursday, June 13th, 2013

The hardest part for me is getting past the part where I feel like I'm betraying myself for staying. My WH broke NC many times with MOW and has not been entirely remorseful. I just feel really taken advantage of. I always put in so much into the M. WH ALWAYS put in the least. We did disconnect emotionally and had been struggling. I can see the breakdown of the M and understand how the A could have happened. What I don't understand is how I have been treated since DDay.

I guess we are in R because we are trying to fix our M, but it is a decision I have to make everyday.

fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024

posts: 9075   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 6372967
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Chefj9 ( member #38604) posted at 7:31 PM on Thursday, June 13th, 2013

The hardest part for me is realizing that it wasn't about me or things that weren't perfect in my M.

If I ask my WH now, what could I have done differently to prevent this, because I felt like I did everything possible to make him happy. He has told me NOW (not in the past) that he was happy with me and loved me very much, but that he's an addict and it wasn't about me or our M.

I have a difficult time understanding the addiction (still learning). I am a logical thinker, and when I apply my logic to his actions, they don't add up. It's very frustrating.

ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 26,16, 15 and 13
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

posts: 476   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2013   ·   location: Texas
id 6372970
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1Faith ( member #38975) posted at 7:39 PM on Thursday, June 13th, 2013

You are enough. Please know that.

The A was not about you. It was about an inability to connect with you. And then choosing to find validation elsewhere.

No marriage is without challenges and I commend you for working on you and how you can be a stronger partner.

I too struggled with "being good enough" - my thinking well if I wasn't good enough before then why am I now? I questioned that for a long time.

The hardest part for me was trusting that it was real. That I was setting myself up to get hurt again if I let my guard down and started to trust.

It was also really hard for me to get past my anger. A year after DDay I was suddenly really pissed off that I had to deal with it all.

I was no longer scared of losing him or our marriage I was just mad. Mad that he could have done this and mad that I was still hurting.

Luckily the anger did subside but it was scary.

Good question. Good luck to you.

Sometimes my life feels like a test I didn't study for

posts: 4131   ·   registered: Apr. 12th, 2013
id 6372981
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RockyMtn ( member #37043) posted at 10:43 PM on Thursday, June 13th, 2013

I'm with crazyblindsided - can't forgive myself for staying. Or, rather, I'm having a hard time accepting that I am accepting this! It doesn't fit with my self-identity, so there is a lot of slogging through to do to understand who I really am and why I'm making the decision to R. But, in a way, this is also a blessing. I;m getting to know my real self versus some outward/constructed self.

The 2nd hardest part is the risk. He's a risky dude. An addict (sober now) and someone who had two As. That is some risky business right there. But I also believe risk is a huge part of an interesting, fruitful life. Not to say I WANT this particular risk. I don;t. But I'm hopeful it is a risk that will pay off.

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

posts: 667   ·   registered: Oct. 5th, 2012
id 6373207
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Rebreather ( member #30817) posted at 10:49 PM on Thursday, June 13th, 2013

can't forgive myself for staying

It took me a long, long time to deal with this. I agree. Hardest.

Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

posts: 8016   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2011
id 6373221
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2married2quit ( member #36555) posted at 10:54 PM on Thursday, June 13th, 2013

Hardest part is making the effort. I feel like SHE should be doing EVERYTHING honestly. She made the choice not I. I do own up to my part of the breakdown of the marriage, but it was such a small part of it all. She said it herself. In my case, it was an unhappiness in her because something is wrong with her (childhood incident). But yet, I'm left with a broken heart, pieces of a marriage, a broken wife and my very little strength to continue.

The hardest part for me is getting past the part where I feel like I'm betraying myself for staying. My WH broke NC many times with MOW and has not been entirely remorseful. I just feel really taken advantage of.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

BS - Me 47 WS - Her 45 ( she's a childhood sexual abuse survivor)
DDAY -#1- June 2012/ #2 -June 2015 / #3-August 2015
Married 25yrs. 2kids
She had 2 affairs with two different men.
Status: divorced.

posts: 1746   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2012   ·   location: USA
id 6373230
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seekingtomorrow ( member #39068) posted at 12:15 AM on Friday, June 14th, 2013

the thing im finding hardest is that when i do trust him there's this voice in my head that laughs at me, calls me stupid and naive and generally starts to mock and taunt me. same voice often pipes up when he says he loves me (does he really, rubbish he doesn't or he wouldn't,,, and why should he your not special) when we talk about our future together (you really think hes going to stay with you now hes got his dream job and a good income,, pathetic) and when we try to be intimate (what couldn't find in anywhere else tonight then, guess you'll do)

D-day 1 august 1st 2012
D-day 2 October 31st 2012
D-day 3 September 10th 2015

posts: 100   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2013
id 6373338
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