Thanks everyone. I survived the weekend, but I had a few reality checks...
First, it hurts to see or hear (from the kids) things that ex is doing now that he didn't do for me. Dumb stuff, like grilling. Most men grill, but ex left all the grilling up to me. I saw him set out a chair for her...when we were together I carried the chairs and set up my own. Dumb stuff, but it made ma realize just how poorly ex treated me, especially over the last couple years as he started to break inside. Hurt to see, but helpful to make me see the possibilities in my life.
Secondly, I got a closer look at ow than I have in recent times. Mind you, she befriended me through the A and we worked together. Well, she was never attractive to begin with and this whole situation has aged her, badly. She also used to be super skinny...something that really attracted ex because he always had an issue with my weight gain after having 4 kids (I've lost that now and weigh less than when I met him), well she has put on at least 40lbs! He ex-H used to keep them both eating healthy. My ex doesn't eat healthy at all. He has a good metabolilsm which saves him, but he's a deep fried kind of guy. Due to her height, she doesn't look "fat", but she is far from skinny. Her upper arms are bigger than mine and she's got a pooch started...she never had children, so this is new. Her legs are also heavier. Like I said, she's tall, so most would say she's "average" now, but she used to be skinny and at this rate she'll be "overweight" sooner rather than later.
Third, I heard and saw so many little things that ex and ow did that were things they got from me. After hearing from ex how he (suddenly) questions my ability to take care of the kids now that I'm on my own it makes me laugh that there are so many things that I do that he/they feel the need to copy. It's more than just trying to keep things the same for the kids. At first I was mad because ow has no right to copy me, but then I tried to change my thinking to take it as a compliment that ex would never give me.
It bothers me that I took such "pleasure" in these observations. I want to be "above" that. I want to feel nothing but total indifference towards ow. I don't want to waste my time and energy comparing myself to ow or the life that ex is making with her. That is what I need to work on.
As far as "boundaries", trust me, I have put up every boundary I could legally impose. Unfortunately, I live in a no fault state, so the law isn't on my side. Up until this summer, ow was not allowed in my driveway. If she was in the car, they had to park on the road. I now allow her, but she cannot get out of the car. Bonus, she doesn't even look up from her phone on the rare ocassions she's in the car. I wouldn't allow overnights prior to the divorce because of the fact we were married and ex was living with ow. Since the divorce, I had to let that go because I have no legal standing. As far as sports events, I couldn't stop ex from bringing ow, but I did warn him that she was to stay very far away from me and not attempt to invade my "space". She stays away and doesn't look at me. I also told ex that if he is okay flaunting his affair partner for the world to see while we are still married, then it is within my rights to tell everybody exactly who she is. I never mention her name, but her reputation is well known now.
I also have 100% placement of the kids. ex can see them upon reasonable time and reasonable notice so the house he lives in (owned by ow) will never be "home" to our children.
I do thank you all. I pray that this will all get easier at some point, but I see struggles continuing to come up. ex has talked about taking the kids for a long weekend to meet ow's parents who live out of state. I think this is stupid because these people are nothing to my children and there is no guarantee that ow and ex will even marry, so why add them to the kids' lives? Again, legally, I have no way to stop him. Battles like that, or bombshells as I call them, are just the way ex operates. He pushes fast and furious in an attempt to force things the way he wants them to be. Right or wrong, he won't stop until he either digs himself into a hole or "proves" that he was right. He's always been that way. I could temper him, but ow couldn't temper a fly without turning it into an episode of crazy.
I will continue my journey to "rise above" ow. I hear the words "she is nothing", but I need to be able to believe them. Right now, ow is something because she is the life that ex chose rather than the one he promised me. These last years should have been a test we should have been able to overcome. The man I married was a good man. Even though that man is gone now, it's still hard to accept that I "lost" him to the likes of ow. Issues I need to work through....