"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

movingfast posted 6/13/2013 14:19 PM

D-day was 2 years ago, divorce was final almost a month ago. Ex lives with ow and is determined to create his "new" family with ow and my children. How do you let go of the resentment towards ow. I know I will never like her or trust her since she befriended me through the A. But I am finding myself resenting her living with MY ex husband and trying to make a "family" with MY children (she was married but couldn't have kids). The thought of my children spending weekends with ex and ow literally makes me ill.

How do you let go of that? I'm not asking how to be friends with the ow, but just how to not look at each time spent with ex as being an attempt to "take" more from me. I feel like, isn't it enough she got my husband, my workplace (ex owns the business, I was fired, she was hired) and my friends (at work), why does she get to take my kids too? I see them together because our kids are heavily involved in sports and it sickens me when she sits next to ex and pretends that she's just "one of the moms". The other parents know better, but it still makes me seethe.

I really thought I was handling this better, but now that ex has overnights with the kids (he didn't before the D was final), I feel like I've slipped backwards. Any advice from those of you who have successfully had your "New Beginnings"?

better4me posted 6/13/2013 15:18 PM

My kids were older when the A happened (and were his stepkids) so I really don't have any specific advice based on my own experiences. It may be worse right now for you because overnights just started a month ago. You haven't had much time to adjust to this "new normal" and it feels like a huge loss because it is so new. I remember the first overnight my kids spent with their dad when he and I divorced...I cried like a crazy woman for a couple of hours...and the divorce had been my idea! I can't imagine how much worse it would be with the betrayal you've experienced added in.

This stuff can eat you up inside though if you let the bitterness get the better of you. Are there any fun things you can do when the children are with their dad? Things you can look forward to on their overnights? People you can do things with?

Ignore the OW at baseball games etc. She really is nothing! Consider getting some IC to help you get over this latest kick in the gut.

((movingfast))

cmego posted 6/13/2013 15:35 PM

Maybe I'm a bitch...but I drew very strong boundaries.

EX left the AP (gay affairs) when he met his current BF. They have now been together a year, and it has been bumpy.

I do not allow the BF at sporting events/school events/ kid pick up. My life is MY life. I can't control what they do on his weekends, but my territory is sacred. (I have primary custody) EX pushed this issue, but I explained to him the longer he keeps the BF away, the more I will respect him when the time comes when (if...) he does start coming to "family" events. EX's family supported my decision and help keep EX under control.

When they do the "fun family things" on his weekend, I just don't ask my kids about it. If they bring it up, I say something like, "Sounds like you had fun!" and change the subject.

I keep busy the weekends they are gone so I"m not thinking about it.

I'm a little further out, d-day was 3 years ago, S 2.5 years ago. The last year I have done a lot of "letting go". I have a new life, new friends, most people hate EX, I'm dating, overall I'm happy and the kids are settled. They can play "happy family" all they want, but everyone knows the truth.

lostmommy posted 6/17/2013 14:43 PM

Ugh...I don't look forward to future sporting events, graduations, etc. It's hard to let it go. I wish I could say there's a magic button but there isn't. My XH married the OW, and they have an OC. So not only do they get to live like a happy family EOW with my son, but they like to put on a show for everyone around them.

I know the truth. I know what their relationship stemmed from. The best thing I can tell you is to just put on a happy face and act like they're nothing. They thrive on the drama and chaos they cause you, so without that, they really have nothing.

movingfast posted 6/17/2013 17:13 PM

Thanks everyone. I survived the weekend, but I had a few reality checks...

First, it hurts to see or hear (from the kids) things that ex is doing now that he didn't do for me. Dumb stuff, like grilling. Most men grill, but ex left all the grilling up to me. I saw him set out a chair for her...when we were together I carried the chairs and set up my own. Dumb stuff, but it made ma realize just how poorly ex treated me, especially over the last couple years as he started to break inside. Hurt to see, but helpful to make me see the possibilities in my life.

Secondly, I got a closer look at ow than I have in recent times. Mind you, she befriended me through the A and we worked together. Well, she was never attractive to begin with and this whole situation has aged her, badly. She also used to be super skinny...something that really attracted ex because he always had an issue with my weight gain after having 4 kids (I've lost that now and weigh less than when I met him), well she has put on at least 40lbs! He ex-H used to keep them both eating healthy. My ex doesn't eat healthy at all. He has a good metabolilsm which saves him, but he's a deep fried kind of guy. Due to her height, she doesn't look "fat", but she is far from skinny. Her upper arms are bigger than mine and she's got a pooch started...she never had children, so this is new. Her legs are also heavier. Like I said, she's tall, so most would say she's "average" now, but she used to be skinny and at this rate she'll be "overweight" sooner rather than later.

Third, I heard and saw so many little things that ex and ow did that were things they got from me. After hearing from ex how he (suddenly) questions my ability to take care of the kids now that I'm on my own it makes me laugh that there are so many things that I do that he/they feel the need to copy. It's more than just trying to keep things the same for the kids. At first I was mad because ow has no right to copy me, but then I tried to change my thinking to take it as a compliment that ex would never give me.

It bothers me that I took such "pleasure" in these observations. I want to be "above" that. I want to feel nothing but total indifference towards ow. I don't want to waste my time and energy comparing myself to ow or the life that ex is making with her. That is what I need to work on.

As far as "boundaries", trust me, I have put up every boundary I could legally impose. Unfortunately, I live in a no fault state, so the law isn't on my side. Up until this summer, ow was not allowed in my driveway. If she was in the car, they had to park on the road. I now allow her, but she cannot get out of the car. Bonus, she doesn't even look up from her phone on the rare ocassions she's in the car. I wouldn't allow overnights prior to the divorce because of the fact we were married and ex was living with ow. Since the divorce, I had to let that go because I have no legal standing. As far as sports events, I couldn't stop ex from bringing ow, but I did warn him that she was to stay very far away from me and not attempt to invade my "space". She stays away and doesn't look at me. I also told ex that if he is okay flaunting his affair partner for the world to see while we are still married, then it is within my rights to tell everybody exactly who she is. I never mention her name, but her reputation is well known now.

I also have 100% placement of the kids. ex can see them upon reasonable time and reasonable notice so the house he lives in (owned by ow) will never be "home" to our children.

I do thank you all. I pray that this will all get easier at some point, but I see struggles continuing to come up. ex has talked about taking the kids for a long weekend to meet ow's parents who live out of state. I think this is stupid because these people are nothing to my children and there is no guarantee that ow and ex will even marry, so why add them to the kids' lives? Again, legally, I have no way to stop him. Battles like that, or bombshells as I call them, are just the way ex operates. He pushes fast and furious in an attempt to force things the way he wants them to be. Right or wrong, he won't stop until he either digs himself into a hole or "proves" that he was right. He's always been that way. I could temper him, but ow couldn't temper a fly without turning it into an episode of crazy.

I will continue my journey to "rise above" ow. I hear the words "she is nothing", but I need to be able to believe them. Right now, ow is something because she is the life that ex chose rather than the one he promised me. These last years should have been a test we should have been able to overcome. The man I married was a good man. Even though that man is gone now, it's still hard to accept that I "lost" him to the likes of ow. Issues I need to work through....

homewrecked2011 posted 6/17/2013 17:36 PM

(((moving fast)))

Your story is exactly like mine and I am going thru the same thing right now!!!!

Her D was final just a month ago and she is at all my children's stuff, acting like she is their mom.

XWH and OW (whom they set me up with to be friends 3 months AFTER the A started) are all over town together and really just want me out of the picture. Her H lives out of town and doesn't know they are together or doesn't care.

Will your XH family help you at all?

Mine won't help me, but it's just a suggestion.

Also...I found out recently the OW has someone else on the side!!!! LMAO. My XWH doesn't know this! They always look so happy and he is so attentive to her, and BAM out of the blue someone told me what they had learned about OW and yet another OM! LMAO! OW and XH are really clueless about the pain they have caused me as a person.

What also hit me in your post was XWH grilling for her. Just 2 days ago, my friend was at a kids bday party and there was OW (slut) and XWH (lumpy). My friend said he was sitting with his arm around her, etc. Gosh, when we went anywhere he left me with the kids and went out to the parking lot and drank beer with a group of people. Or when we were at a party and it was time to eat, he let me sit by myself and then went to sit down next to some hot chick.

All I can say is, they are on their best behavior now. It might be roses for a little while, but it's not gonna be perfect forever, and about that time, maybe our hearts have healed. I am just realizing that I really do not want him ever again because of the way he treated me and the way he is treating me now (just like you, he's questioning my parenting skills).

movingfast posted 6/17/2013 18:25 PM

homewrecked2011

Funny that ow has someone else on the side! This was ow's 2nd A. Ex says the two of them have talked about that and worked through it, but I see ow seeking out her next conquest at some point...provided she doesn't turn into a blimp! I would be seriously surprised if xwh cheated on ow though. The A was very much against the person he thought himself to be. But in your case maybe ow won't be in the picture for long!

I don't have anything against ex being with someone now that we are D. It is ow specifically that I can't tolerate in my life. She betrayed ME and purposefully set out to destroy MY life. She knew me and my children when she proposistioned ex. Any new person ex may meet won't have that betrayal and I would have a much easier time accepting. ex, of course, thinks I'd have a problem with anyone he'd be with, but he doesn't understand how personal this A was.

You do have a point about being on his best behavior. ex is searching for "happiness" but, from what he's told me, his life will be a balance trying to keep her crazy in check. And I hope that this whole charade gets old for the two of them soon...or at least before they do something really stupid like get married.

Ex's family is great. I had them over for Easter this year! His dad walks a fine line due to ex's personality. fil will speak his mind to a point, but he's afraid of pushing too hard because ex will cut him out of his life and, right now, ex owes fil a lot of $$$. fil has told me I will always be his daughter in law, and anyone ex marries will be his son's wife. He got caught in a very tough spot due to his son's actions.

Like I said, I want ow out of my life, but until that happens, I want to reach the point of indifference. They say the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference and that is what I want to feel. I don't want this resentment to bubble up each time I see or hear about ow or her life with ex. I was able to reach the point of forgiveness with ex because of my children....for them I can do anything. I just need to believe that reaching the point of indifference towards ow will benefit them and I think that will be when I will start to work towards indifference.

SBB posted 6/18/2013 08:50 AM

I've reached a point that as long as she or the next version of her, or the next, or the next are not being unkind to my girls then I'm OK. I don't love it but I hate it less than the thought of someone being unkind to them.

Their father is the problem - he is the one damaging them with his choices, not his whores.

I don't worry that she'll take anything away from me. She can have my sloppy seconds of a husband. She can play house with my girls but they'll always be mine and I'll always be their mummy.

IMO unless there is something you can do legally your only option is to surrender to it. I did it begrudgingly at first but it did get easier. It will for you too.

She is indeed taking your role in his life. It will end in much the same way your role ended in his life. Changing the players doesn't change the game. Please remind yourself that he's still the same guy. There's no clean slate just because there's a new victim.

movingfast posted 6/18/2013 09:21 AM

StrongButBroken

I want to be where you are.

Yes, ex is making the choice to have sleepovers while living with ow. Yes, his choices are what got us to where we are today. However, it is ow that propositioned ex knowing he was married, knowing our 4 children, acting as a friend to me and all of us working together. Ex said "yes" which was his choice. ex screwed up, but he also screwed himself because he won't ever be the man he thought himself to be because of the choices he mad. ow cheated on her husband before ex and I have seen, first hand, how false she is. She will stab you in the back while smiling to your face. ex is an idiot, but he's not intentionally cruel.

So, my efforts have been, for the sake of our children, to forgive ex. I needed to be able to look at my children and honestly tell them their Dad loves them. I needed to be able to forgive ex if I had hopes of saving my family. I did that and although I still get angry with his behavior, I'm good with my feelings towards him.

ow holds no significant role in my life. Her actions were purposefully cruel and I honestly believe, given the same set of circumstances, she would do the same things all over again. She is a master manipulator and will be the person she thinks you want her to be and that person changes based on who she is with. I've seen her turn on her best friend over clothing choices. I've talked with neighbors who said she would smile at them one day and scream at them the next. She's a basket full of crazy. Right or wrong, the majority of my anger through the A has been aimed at her. The anger I have towards ex is more because he's not the man I married. ow is just black-hearted.

Long way to say that I have a long way to go towards indifference. I know she will treat my kids nicely as long as ex is around...it's part of her act. However, I also believe that if ex left them in her care, her act wouldn't last and that is my biggest issue with her. I don't trust her to always be kind to my children because she has no true depth.

I think I also have an issue with ow because I've always taken the high road. She can guess as to my true feelings towards her, but I have never faced her and told her how I feel. I've written it down, I've expressed it to IC and I've made no mistakes in telling ex my feelings. So, maybe I resent that she lives in a little bubble and thinks nobody thinks ill of her. She has managed to worm her way back in with the employees that were once my friends...well, all except one or two, so she believes all is forgiven.

Maybe, I just need to see karma take care of things the way everybody says it will. Maybe I just need to see that ow suffers like I have had to suffer. As I see it, she lost her h, but it was due to her own actions. She is not alone, she is not unemployed and she seems to have landed on her feet while I am still picking up the pieces of the mess she and ex have made. The child in me wants to cry out, "It's not FAIR!"

better4me posted 6/18/2013 12:23 PM

Since the "she is nothing to you" phrase may have been mine to begin with, let me explain it a little bit more. Notice that I didn't write "she is nothing" but "she is nothing to you". Saying this gently: There are so many things about this situation that you cannot change and if you focus on those things that are unfair, or were manipulative or focus on her actions; you are not in your own life, you are in her life. Each time you find yourself focusing on her, you give her some power over your mood and your day and power over you. Why would you let someone like that have power over your day? Each time you find yourself ruminating about the unfairness or it all you are focusing on "what should have been" and you aren't focusing on "what is". You are living in the past and not in the present.

It will take time and effort to get to indifference. What worked for me was to focus on ME. I had to ask what I needed to do to have my best life. I had to face my fears and do the things that were scary. I had to face my shortcomings and do something to fix them. I'm still doing this. Every day.

This is a tough thing to do and it took me a long time! I was very resentful for about 9 months. 9 months of ruminating about other people's (my XH, my XMIL, my XSIL) treatment of me, rather than focusing on ME.

That is what I meant by she is "nothing to you". Stop living her life, live your's.

[This message edited by better4me at 12:25 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

SBB posted 6/18/2013 16:21 PM

^^better4me nailed it. Read and re-read it.

Maybe I just need to see that ow suffers like I have had to suffer.

I have never suffered as much as I did when I was in that relationship. Even when things were 'good' I now see that I was just a frog being slowly boiled.

Her wasting any time with him is enough Karma for me.

homewrecked2011 posted 6/18/2013 22:23 PM

moving fast...

I, too struggle with how a person can be a friend to my face, and then do this to me. I don't think OW has any feelings---it's all what SHE wants, and she makes herself whomever to get what she wants.

I think I have just started to really obsess over this because all the other drama and trauma is over. PLUS I thought when I got divorced it would be totally separation and the crazy would be over,,, but no, they, too play stupid games.

It's all a process. I'm too tired right now to check, but i think there is a thread under I CAN RELATE that is titled DOUBLE BETRAYAL... I think it's for this situation --- friend w/ our husbands...

tesla posted 6/19/2013 17:51 PM

It's hard to watch them 'play' happy family. Remember...they are playing at it.

I don't like sending my kid over to his dad's...they play happy little family. But how can it possibly be the same safe, secure, loving *home* that I can give my son? They are two broken people that feed off of each other's drama. They spend money like it's nothing. They are entitled and selfish. They care more about appearances and things than experiences and moments of discovery.

So I let go (to the best of my ability) knowing that the superficial experience of family at his dad's is no comparison for the sense of family and love that I provide him.

movingfast posted 6/19/2013 21:44 PM

Great advice and better4me your post is spot on! The whole reason I want to reach indifference is because I don't like that ow is taking up residence in MY mind! She's taken enough. As suggested, I have read and reread your post. I need to commit it to memory and live by it.

For myself, I think what I need to do is continue on my mission to come out of this better. I have lost weight, I am stronger, I am independent...I am better. I still have some things to work on, but in my own mind I need to conquer my weaknesses and that's how I "win". I want to lose a few more pounds, but I put it off. Now, I will get working on it again. If I am in better shape, then it is a "win" for me since ex wanted someone thinner than me...I will prove I can be the thinner one as ow continues to gain weight. I know I am the better and only Mom, so I need to continue to focus on being the best Mom I can be. I can't be the best if I'm worried about what ow is doing.

These are the types of things I need to do to find that indifference towards ow because in my own mind I am seeing her as "winning" in this hellish game. Logically, I know ow hasn't "won". ex is a broken man, ow is hung up on her ex, they are on the tip of financial hell, neither can fully trust the other, the kids are with me most of the time, their life is not "solid" and the list goes on. But, emotionally, I see she "won" because I'm the one who was discarded and tossed aside. That is what I need to overcome...the emotional.

As I've searched for answers to this for myself, I have read more than once that we mothers are put in the position of finding the ow okay because she is nice to our children. I don't buy that. I shouldn't have to be thankful that someone exhibits the HUMAN quality of being nice to children. From where I stand, there is NOTHING I need to be thankful to ow for. As a matter of fact, she should be kissing my feet because I "allow" her to even be around my children. Legally I may not have a choice, but I could certainly make life hell for ex.

Again, I want to thank you all for your input. Hearing from you has helped me better understand myself. I have a ways to go to reach the indifference I seek, but knowing I am not alone helps me to know I can get there. I will also check out the DOUBLE BETRAYAL thread as I am sure I can learn a LOT from that!