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Newest Member: HeartbrokenQueen

Divorce/Separation :
Totally disconnected

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 want_to_forgive (original poster member #20470) posted at 8:32 PM on Thursday, June 13th, 2013

I was married twelve years. Divorced in April. I have zero feelings about my ex. It's almost like he is just an acquaintance, not someone I spent most of my adult life with. I guess I should just be greatful that I am not in a bad place, but I think it's strange. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it possible this is a defense mechanism I have developed to suppress feelings after the trauma of my marriage?

M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

posts: 534   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2008   ·   location: Alaska
id 6373041
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Nature_Girl ( member #32554) posted at 9:52 PM on Thursday, June 13th, 2013

What feelings do you think you should have?

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

posts: 10722   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2011   ·   location: USA
id 6373147
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peacelovetea ( member #26071) posted at 10:38 PM on Thursday, June 13th, 2013

I feel the same, for what its worth. We were together nearly 18 years, married nearly 13. I can deal with him now as I do any other parent I know reasonably well for playdates and such. Chitchat at kids' activities, etc. But I don't feel anything beyond that. It was like when I had that "I'm done" moment I was truly done -- I've had some frustration or anger, sure, and its been awkward sometimes, but less and less now. Our D was final in December.

I think I just did all my mourning after DDay. By the time I was ready to say "I want a D" I was done with that. I waited for awhile after separation (which was a year in April) for the feelings to hit, but they never did and I am sure now that they won't. I am wistful sometimes about what could have been, but my focus is on the future and the present, which is pretty damned awesome just at the moment.

Healthy detachment. Its a good thing. :)

BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

posts: 542   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2009   ·   location: PacNW
id 6373192
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Coraline ( member #36434) posted at 10:40 PM on Thursday, June 13th, 2013

I don't know. I think it's great. Why should you have feelings?

Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

posts: 771   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2012
id 6373193
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KeepOnMovin ( member #38245) posted at 10:56 PM on Thursday, June 13th, 2013

Totally disconnected...that's my goal. Can't get there soon enough.

Me: Creating a better life for myself
Her: Somebody else's problem
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

posts: 601   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 6373236
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didiknow ( new member #39410) posted at 11:01 PM on Thursday, June 13th, 2013

God, that sounds wonderful. I can only imagine what it would be like to get off of the rollercoaster.

Me-BH (38)
Her-WW (27)
M Aug 29, 2010
D-day May 25, 2013
A #1 June 2012
A #2 Late 2012-May 2013
No matter what "new" information you find out, it's all just part of the same iceberg, hidden under the surface.

posts: 50   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2013   ·   location: wa
id 6373247
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numbandnauseous ( member #34525) posted at 12:52 AM on Friday, June 14th, 2013

Yes, I am feeling this way now. WH is unremorseful, so I have had to process the rollercoaster of feelings on my own (which I have done through friends and IC). I now feel pretty detached and am ready to move on with D.

WH and I went out the other night and I felt similar to how you do - like he is an acquaintance (or even a stranger). I agree, it is a really strange place to be in, as I have spent my entire adult life with this man (20 years).

It may be a defense mechanism if you are numb and suppressing.

But if you have processed through the anger, grief, etc. and are finally to acceptance/detachment, you're in a really good place!

BS (me) - 50
WH - 58, EA with HS GF x 2, now deceased
M: 15 years, T: 20, divorced
2 teenage children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)

posts: 828   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2012   ·   location: the other side
id 6373364
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Sad in AZ ( member #24239) posted at 1:37 AM on Friday, June 14th, 2013

I was M 33 years when we separated (together for 39 years) and have been D 2 years. I do remember that I was M to him but I have no feelings one way or another.

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-63
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

posts: 25351   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: Arizona
id 6373402
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Nature_Girl ( member #32554) posted at 1:46 AM on Friday, June 14th, 2013

I was surprised earlier this year when we were in divorce court, going through the pagentry that is a divorce trial, and I felt nothing for him. Well, he was somewhat repulsive, but I'd think that of anyone who looks/acts like him. I took advantage of the opportunity when on the witness stand to look at him. Nothing. No emotions. Nothing. Well, I do pity him in the way you pity Rumpelstiltskin, in that he's a lost soul who has no prospect for any joy in life but that which comes at the expense of another's soul.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

posts: 10722   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2011   ·   location: USA
id 6373410
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stronggirl72 ( member #37293) posted at 1:56 AM on Friday, June 14th, 2013

I think how you're feeling sounds wonderful! I can't seem to get past the revulsion and move onto disconnected.

That said, I do understand that you'd be worried about post-trauma effects. I say just try to bask in it if you can.

"Taking the high road, and doing it with class."

DIVORCED!!

posts: 190   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2012
id 6373419
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 want_to_forgive (original poster member #20470) posted at 9:46 PM on Friday, June 14th, 2013

Hi everyone, thank you for the responses. I have been away from my computer and unable to post a reply on my phone for some reason, hence the delay.

What feelings do you think you should have?

I guess I feel like I should be sad or missing him at least a little, but there is nothing. That doesn't bother me, but it is a bit disconcerting that I feel so removed from the last twelve years of my life. He has had a really hard time adjusting to my distance. One word answers to page long messages, etc. I just don't care.

My IC told me I had already grieved the end of my M years ago. I know she is right, I just didn't expect to feel like the whole thing was a reality show that happened to someone else.

M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

posts: 534   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2008   ·   location: Alaska
id 6374524
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