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Totally disconnected

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want_to_forgive posted 6/13/2013 14:32 PM

I was married twelve years. Divorced in April. I have zero feelings about my ex. It's almost like he is just an acquaintance, not someone I spent most of my adult life with. I guess I should just be greatful that I am not in a bad place, but I think it's strange. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it possible this is a defense mechanism I have developed to suppress feelings after the trauma of my marriage?

Nature_Girl posted 6/13/2013 15:52 PM

What feelings do you think you should have?

peacelovetea posted 6/13/2013 16:38 PM

I feel the same, for what its worth. We were together nearly 18 years, married nearly 13. I can deal with him now as I do any other parent I know reasonably well for playdates and such. Chitchat at kids' activities, etc. But I don't feel anything beyond that. It was like when I had that "I'm done" moment I was truly done -- I've had some frustration or anger, sure, and its been awkward sometimes, but less and less now. Our D was final in December.

I think I just did all my mourning after DDay. By the time I was ready to say "I want a D" I was done with that. I waited for awhile after separation (which was a year in April) for the feelings to hit, but they never did and I am sure now that they won't. I am wistful sometimes about what could have been, but my focus is on the future and the present, which is pretty damned awesome just at the moment.

Healthy detachment. Its a good thing. :)

Coraline posted 6/13/2013 16:40 PM

I don't know. I think it's great. Why should you have feelings?

KeepOnMovin posted 6/13/2013 16:56 PM

Totally disconnected...that's my goal. Can't get there soon enough.

didiknow posted 6/13/2013 17:01 PM

God, that sounds wonderful. I can only imagine what it would be like to get off of the rollercoaster.

numbandnauseous posted 6/13/2013 18:52 PM

Yes, I am feeling this way now. WH is unremorseful, so I have had to process the rollercoaster of feelings on my own (which I have done through friends and IC). I now feel pretty detached and am ready to move on with D.

WH and I went out the other night and I felt similar to how you do - like he is an acquaintance (or even a stranger). I agree, it is a really strange place to be in, as I have spent my entire adult life with this man (20 years).

It may be a defense mechanism if you are numb and suppressing.

But if you have processed through the anger, grief, etc. and are finally to acceptance/detachment, you're in a really good place!

Sad in AZ posted 6/13/2013 19:37 PM

I was M 33 years when we separated (together for 39 years) and have been D 2 years. I do remember that I was M to him but I have no feelings one way or another.

Nature_Girl posted 6/13/2013 19:46 PM

I was surprised earlier this year when we were in divorce court, going through the pagentry that is a divorce trial, and I felt nothing for him. Well, he was somewhat repulsive, but I'd think that of anyone who looks/acts like him. I took advantage of the opportunity when on the witness stand to look at him. Nothing. No emotions. Nothing. Well, I do pity him in the way you pity Rumpelstiltskin, in that he's a lost soul who has no prospect for any joy in life but that which comes at the expense of another's soul.

stronggirl72 posted 6/13/2013 19:56 PM

I think how you're feeling sounds wonderful! I can't seem to get past the revulsion and move onto disconnected.

That said, I do understand that you'd be worried about post-trauma effects. I say just try to bask in it if you can.

want_to_forgive posted 6/14/2013 15:46 PM

Hi everyone, thank you for the responses. I have been away from my computer and unable to post a reply on my phone for some reason, hence the delay.

What feelings do you think you should have?

I guess I feel like I should be sad or missing him at least a little, but there is nothing. That doesn't bother me, but it is a bit disconcerting that I feel so removed from the last twelve years of my life. He has had a really hard time adjusting to my distance. One word answers to page long messages, etc. I just don't care.

My IC told me I had already grieved the end of my M years ago. I know she is right, I just didn't expect to feel like the whole thing was a reality show that happened to someone else.

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