Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: Views of the WH, confused
IAmPsycho
♀ 39337
Member # 39337
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH said in MC that he feels that I " have one up on him" since the A. Like, he is the bad guy, and no matter what, he can't get to be the good guy again because he had the A. I'm not sure what to do about that? Does that mean that he feels like I haven't forgiven him? Sometimes it even feels like he wants me to have an A, so we can be even
I'm not sure what to do, or if I can even fix this?.


BS (me) 43
WS (him) 48
Married 25 years
Reconciling for 12 years
DDAY 01-16-01
A with my best friend
Lots of children from 24-4 weeks old

Posts: 62 | Registered: May 2013
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is not for you to fix, it is his issue. He feels bad about himself so he is putting it on you. Or his mindset is, 'I'm the bad guy anyway, I can't win.'

That isn't fair.

It's not a matter of who is the bad guy, it's a matter of getting to the heart of things and fixing them in himself. The label is a copout and a way to avoid his issues and getting to the real work, IMO.

ETA What was the MC's response to his statement?

[This message edited by authenticnow at 3:02 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38937 | Registered: Sep 2007
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell him that you didn't realize that this was a competition. And to get over his pity party. Sheesh!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5236 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't try to fix it! This is something he needs to work his way around, on his own, and stop being a big baby. You have one up on him? How about he is standing there with your guts in one hand, and a knife in the other, while you try to staunch the flow of blood? Don't fall for the nanny boo boo pity party stuff. He has to stand up and fix this, himself.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My bet is that he felt either one-up or, more likely, one-down on you before the A. He needs more insight - is he in IC?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
RockyMtn
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea, this is on him to figure out. I started a thread on power dynamic where I expressed concern that a BS could be in a position of power, so to speak, since they are the good guy with something to hold over the WS. However, as I stated in that threat, barring a BS who is actively using the situation to their advantage to suit their preferred marital dynamic, a WS who is so concerned with power or an even playing field - that's their issue. An issue with power, with revenge, with "one-upping," or with too much concern for how things will play out for them (i.e. in their favor or not).


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
IAmPsycho
♀ 39337
Member # 39337
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH is not in IC because he says he is cured, and he is only in MC because I want to go. He thinks I need the counseling so I can get over it.

The MC replied to my WH by asking me if I use the A in arguments to win. Like the trump card. But I don't. I am still bothered by the A but I try not to bring it up if we are arguing about something unrelated.

Yes, " something to hold over". Is a much better way to word it. It's ridiculous actually because when he had the A, it made me feel so horrible about myself, that I don't have anything over anyone anymore. I lost all self esteem. He belittled me, and made me feel worthless.


BS (me) 43
WS (him) 48
Married 25 years
Reconciling for 12 years
DDAY 01-16-01
A with my best friend
Lots of children from 24-4 weeks old

Posts: 62 | Registered: May 2013
fourever
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH is not in IC because he says he is cured

Ah, not so much. I think yes, when a ws is remorseful, there is, at least in the beginning, a power shift. Perhaps because they had the power of a secret, or entitlement, whatever. After, when fog lifts, I do think power shifts for a while. However, if both are working hard to make the marriage work better than before, this should work itself out.
Sorry, I think he needs more counseling, or, he is making excuses to misbehave again perhaps.

And I agree with others, it's not yours to "fix". Make IC a condition for him. You'll know when he's "cured".


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 907 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
SimpleTruth
♀ 38507
Member # 38507
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like, he is the bad guy, and no matter what, he can't get to be the good guy again because he had the A.

This shows me that he is not "cured". Why does he still feel like "the bad guy"? That is something he should be figuring out in IC.
I agree with authenticnow:
"The label is a copout and a way to avoid his issues and getting to the real work, IMO."

WH is not in IC because he says he is cured, and he is only in MC because I want to go. He thinks I need the counseling so I can get over it.

What do you think?


D-Day 10/15/2012

Separated (3/8/2013) and in limbo.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he is only in MC because I want to go. He thinks I need the counseling so I can get over it.

I get this. He left IC 'cured', meaning that he used IC to confirm his faith in rug-sweeping and blame-shifting.

He needs IC with the goal of changing from a cheater/jerk to a great partner/great human being.

I really have no idea what your H used IC for, but he's not ready to do the work of R yet, and he won't change on his own.

Have you considered making IC a requirement for R? How about doing the 180? How about IC for you, for support while you go through this?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 10

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.