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Off topic? Abuse of DD and reconciliation.

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SuperDuperWonderboy posted 6/13/2013 15:06 PM

This has been on my head for a while, and I have started to post it a couple of times and stopped. But here goes (I deleted this three times just now)

About a month ago, we discovered that my FIL had been taking lewd images of our daughter(9). It has been difficult because he has been their primary care giver for years. We called the police and an investigation was done. The police have submitted the recommendation to the county attorney that he be charged with sexual exploitation of a child, which carries a 10 year minimum sentence. Now, it's up to the County attorneys on how to proceed.

So my wife's counselor (who agrees with our actions) told my wife that now she has an inkling into how I must have felt being betrayed by a person I loved and trusted. I guess I see where she's coming from, it can't have been easy for my wife to call the police on her dad. But my anger is so deep at him that I don't even feel betrayed, I just want to beat him.

It's funny how we as betrayed often say that nobody can know how we feel unless they have experienced it themselves. On a rational level, I understand how terrible it must be for my wife to have this betrayal, but at the same time, I am having some difficulty emphasizing with her. (regarding her feelings of betrayal by her dad, not the emotional devastation of having your child abused).

Anyway, it hasn't negatively impacted R, but I thought the input from her counselor was interesting.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 3:07 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

MissesJai posted 6/13/2013 15:11 PM

OMG I'm so sorry wonderboy. I'm at a loss for words. Your poor DD. How is she doing?

alphakitte posted 6/13/2013 15:13 PM

No words, just hugs!

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 6/13/2013 15:17 PM

Situation was pretty messed up. Daughter actually seems to be doing fine. I find it telling that none of the children want to know why they haven't seen him for a month.

JNRPA blames herself a lot for this, so she has been struggling with that. I have tried to get her to understand that it isn't her fault. I think she's getting there. But I know she has a lot of guilt about letting him watch our kids and then calling the cops on him.

DeadMumWalking posted 6/13/2013 15:19 PM

((((wonderboy & DD))))

I am so sorry this is happening to your family.

About the counselor's comment: maybe it is spot on, but I personally feel a little uncomfortable that the counselor would leverage this situation to make that point.

I do however COMPLETELY understand that you are having difficulty empathizing with her.

This is a very difficult, complicated situation to navigate. I am sending strength and positive thoughts to you all.

((((wonderboy)))) ((((DD))))

Exit Wounds posted 6/13/2013 15:20 PM

But I know she has a lot of guilt about letting him watch our kids and then calling the cops on him.

Realizing that this is the Recon forum, I will hold my tongue, but I would like to say that forget her, concentrate on your DD!

Your DD needs help!!!
ETA
Your DD is being used by that POS and you worry about your WW?!

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 8:09 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

alphakitte posted 6/13/2013 15:22 PM

You may feel empathy, in the future. I imagine a father's first reaction is to protect their child and then crush the monster. You feelings may evolve.

numb&dumb posted 6/13/2013 15:27 PM

So sorry man. The anger is understandable.

The counselor was probably trying to get your W to open up about it.

Best to you, wife and the kids.

SandAway posted 6/13/2013 15:28 PM

I understand this.

She was betrayed by her father - someone that she has trusted throughout her life. He was the first man she loved. She has known him all her life. She trusted him and I am sure never ever thought he would do this.

She is a mother who couldn't protect her daughter - not even with her own father.

As a mother, I understand this...

you dont have to feel empathy for her, but you shouldn't try comparing the betrayals either....

((wonderboy & JNRPA))

MissesJai posted 6/13/2013 16:42 PM

I understand all too well how JNRPA feels the need to blame herself. When DS18 opened up to me about something that happened to him when he was 4 - committed by a close family friend, I immediately blamed myself for it. My IC had to keep me from jumping off a bridge - I was so distraught. Hopefully her IC will help her work through this so that she no longer blames herself. Big hugs to you both.

JustWow posted 6/13/2013 16:46 PM

I have one of those FIL. In our experience, this behavior of his didn't start suddenly at age 60. Once it was uncovered it was the tip of the iceberg.

Take care of your kiddo(s). Maybe consult a therapist who deals with these issues with kids. I have no experience in that realm, however. FIL was outed when my kiddos were tiny, no exposure, thank God.

sisoon posted 6/13/2013 16:47 PM

No words, wonderboy and JNRPA, just best wishes to you all.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 6/13/2013 17:10 PM


ETA
Your DD is being used by that POS and you worry about your WW?!

Worrying about my wife and my DD are not mutually exclusive.

As far as this being the tip of the ice-burg. I hope it is not. The kids were the ones who exposed this, so I don't think they are hiding anything else. (And the police did a pretty thorough search of his place). That doesn't mean I won't prepare for the worst, but we are hopeful that this is as far as it goes--not that this is a good situation.


She was betrayed by her father - someone that she has trusted throughout her life. He was the first man she loved. She has known him all her life. She trusted him and I am sure never ever thought he would do this.

She is a mother who couldn't protect her daughter - not even with her own father.

As a mother, I understand this...


This helps, thanks all.

CheaterMagnet posted 6/13/2013 17:41 PM

I think what was meant by the tip of the iceberg is that there is a good probability that your WW was abused as well. It's possible that she's blocked the memories (I've done that so I know it can happen).

Sending you ALL massive (((HUGS)))

Reality posted 6/13/2013 18:00 PM

I hate to pile on to the doom and gloom bit, but seconded on the taking a look at your wife's relationship with her dad.

My grandfather was first investigated for abusing one of his granddaughters. After everything was exposed, it was six grandchildren and almost all of his children. Horrible, terrible stuff.

Men who are inappropriate/abusive with children don't just start out of the blue (with the exception of brain illness/trauma).

All the hugs for you, and your daughter. I was one of those grandchildren "discovered" during the investigation. You don't know the gift you've given your daughter that you're her advocate. Lots of us never get that.

[This message edited by Reality at 6:01 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 6/13/2013 18:08 PM

My wife and I went over this, she doesn't remember anything other than some pretty inappropriate behavior to her friends. Which...should have been a red flag in retrospect. So how does she did deeper?

We have told the other extended family members. We felt that we had an obligation to do so, for the safety of all the kids. No one else thus far has come forward and said that it happened to them too. I don't know if someone will later, but it hasn't happened yet.

It is my understanding that the County attorney will be prosecuting (at least from the detective's perspective), so the FIL is looking at a minimum 10 year sentence with a max of 28 years. If convicted.

Other than ensuring the safety of the kids, are there other steps we should be taking?

girlsbird posted 6/13/2013 21:17 PM

Wow...this is just horrible.

((((Wonerboy, JNPRA and children))))

5454real posted 6/14/2013 00:17 AM

Wow, sorry for the added trauma. I do agree with the others who have suggested that this is the tip of the iceburg. I too find it telling that none of the others have mentioned not seeing him. I assume that a forensic exam was done to his computer. Do you have access to an older one?

What about you brother? Have you seen an IC yet? I HIGHLY recommend you do so.

Strength and prayers to you and JNRPA and your family/

metamorphisis posted 6/14/2013 08:22 AM

wonderboy..
FIrst I am so very very sorry you are dealing with this.
Secondly when I read this yesterday I immediately also wondered about your FIL's relationship with your wife and if there is anything there. Again, even the inappropriate behaviour with her friends probably left a very large mark on her.
I am not surprised that nobody else is coming forward or that your daughter is acting "fine".
There is nothing quite like sexual abuse. It's so steeped in shame that everyone in the situation jumps to denial. Our brains aren't quite equipped to process this kind of trauma and as victims we stuff it down, our loved ones don't know what to do or say and it's so much easier to deny it than deal with the pain.

I will share something a counsellor told me once that was just amazing.

She said to think of sexual abuse as the seed. It's a horrible nasty dehumanizing seed. It gets planted but it needs ideal conditions to grow and take over. It needs shame, and secrecy and denial. The things that can keep it from growing are talking, and support, and love, and parents that won't accept that for you and who shine a light on it.

Keep shining a light on it. Talk about it, get into counselling with your dd and let her process it. I would be very very very wary of assuming she's ok because she's not talking about it.
It WILL come out later in self harming ways. Every woman I met in counselling (we did a lot of group counselling) who had denied it, never talked about it and never processed it was dealing with it in horrific ways as an adult.
You have already blown the lid off this. You are being an awesome advocate for your dd. Get a good therapist and talk and talk and talk. Reassure her. Strangle the seed and don't let it grow.
Sending strength and love to you and your family. This is horrible .. rest assured you ARE doing the right thing even if everyone around you wants to pretend it doesn't exist. Bravo to you and your wife for not being willing to keep the secrets of a sick sick man.

lieshurt posted 6/14/2013 08:28 AM

she doesn't remember anything other than some pretty inappropriate behavior to her friends

I'm sorry, but if she remembers this then how could she possibly leave your children with him?

Every woman I met in counselling (we did a lot of group counselling) who had denied it, never talked about it and never processed it was dealing with it in horrific ways as an adult.

I know from experience that this is true as I'm dealing with this now.

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