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anv5 posted 6/13/2013 15:30 PM

I am still so lost about everything that has happened. I finally got confirmation a few weeks ago that he did have sex with the woman who was "just his roommate" 5yrs ago when we were separated *separated not divorced*
He answers a lot of my questions with "idk" which bothers me because I know that if I ever went outside of my marriage I would remember what happened & how many times. I really don't trust him because he lied to me about it for 5yrs (trust me it came up different times because something would be said that didn't fit)I have OW phone # still I never talked to her because I despised her. She tried actively for over a year to destroy our marriage & when we separated she jumped on it & moved in to "help". Should I contact her to find out from her what really happened? Could I even trust her when I know that she tried to "get" him for so long? A part of me feels this would be a stupid thing to do & another part of me is screaming for the truth

mepe27 posted 6/13/2013 16:56 PM

In my experience OW lied to me as well, but she and H lied differently so I was able to figure some stuff out that way, just b/c they didn't match.

I will say that talking to OW created a bunch more pain for me, she was very mean and hurtful and I never had and closure with that. If you really NEED info, I'm sure you can get some from her but I bet it will have a price.

stillhere09 posted 6/13/2013 19:35 PM

Yes, it will have a price and it probably won't be accurate.

A part of me feels this would be a stupid thing to do & another part of me is screaming for the truth

A part of you feels it would be a stupid thing to do - That is a thought process, one that makes sense.
Another part of you is screaming for the truth. But there is no thinking process involved with that, really. It's a desire, a desire for truth. Understandably so. But your head is telling you that it would be unwise to use that method for getting the truth.

Have you considered other possible ways of getting the truth?
I have always kept a diary, and in reading through the past, I realized that he was cheating long before I thought he was. Old bills, receipts, even going through old memories of events can sometimes put the puzzle pieces together.

fourever posted 6/13/2013 19:55 PM

You are so young. I'm so sorry. What made the difference for me, with the same type of MOW, was this:

I took him into his den. I said: "I have taken care of & raised our children (4), house, pets, entertained for you, etc, etc.
You have ONE get out of jail free card. This is it. I don't need you to take care of myself and the kids. So, here is you one chance to come clean about everything. If you can't or won't tell me the complete truth, you can go to her now, because I no longer need you." "There is the door".
" I may cry, be angry, everything, but I will do my best to listen. I also want a time line of every hotel, meeting, (whatever I wanted from him). "
"Make your decision now, or move out tonight". "I deserve better than you."

I was prepared to kick him to the curb, and he knew it. Fog cleared rather quickly. I would have, no question, thrown him out of our home.
Now, he did his best, he told me the truth about some lies, but some came out later. I gave him that, as he was scared shitless. Rightly so.

Bottom line, she's a whore. Will continue to be a whore, and will do what she can to create a wedge. He owes you, not her. Do whatever you can to stay away from her. Yes, its hard, but she didn't betray you, he did. (And yes, I still struggle with this).

We say "Pull up your Bitch Boots and use them on him". It works.
But, you need to mean it and follow through.

(I also opened an account in my name only and had him fund it VERY well, made an attorney appt, which I was able to cancel, and meant business.

Life going well, work in progress. If I had not taken that line, I may have had a fence sitter with a "friend". No F-ing way!

Ostrich80 posted 6/13/2013 23:12 PM

If she wants him then anything she says to you is going to benefit her chances. I know its so very tempting when your not getting answers from ws but really, she's not a friend of your marriage so she's prob gonna lie.
In my experience..I don't know..means I don't want to tell you. That's what you need to work on is why he doesn't want to. Could be some really bad reasons, like its not over or could be he's ashamed, embarrassed, or doesn't want to hurt you.

Ostrich80 posted 6/13/2013 23:16 PM

@fourever...geez you are so wise. I wish to God I had done what you did on DD. Brilliant and so perfect. If I would have done that, I wouldn't have still been in this mess 3yes later. Damn I'm writing your post down for future reference.

anv5 posted 6/14/2013 12:21 PM

I will take the advise to avoid her then.
I am struggling so much with the "idk" because I do realize it was 5yrs ago & he might remember but I makes me mad because I had the right to know when we got back together so I could make a truly informed decision.
He says it was a huge mistake & he has spent 5yrs trying to forget it ever happen because he wanted to grow old together and didn't know how I would take it. He is very ashamed of it which probably plays into the forgetting. I just hate it because the stupid mind movies make it like the fairy tale/porn movie logically I know it wasn't like that but since he can't fill in some of the blanks my mind does it for me
I do agree that she would probably lie since she tried so hard to destroy our marriage *sigh* I hate all of this. Thank you all

stillhere09 posted 6/15/2013 08:08 AM

In the Healing Library, under "Articles" read Jacob's Letter. It suits what you are saying so well. You might want to copy it with your own appropriate names & etc. and give it to him.

TrustGone posted 6/15/2013 11:08 AM

I am glad you decided not to contact her. I know how hard that was to do. OW outed the A to me on DDay. She told the truth about somethings and lied about others. The one thing that always bothered me the most was the fact she kept saying how she never meant to hurt me, it just happened and she was sorry. The truth was she was mad at WH#2 because he wouldn't leave me or ask for a D. She thought if she outed him (as she threathened to do the whole LTA according to WH#2)I would kick him out and she would have him. I even called her a few days later and heard more lies and some truths that I now wished I did not have to live with for the rest of my life. They took the affair underground after that for another year until she outed him to me again (with a note in my jewlery box). It was all I could do not to call her again, but I didn't. I am now glad that I didn't. The mind movies would have driven me insane at that point and it really didn't matter. If he truely wanted her, he was free to go and I told him so. He didn't want her and only kept it going because he really had no consequences the first DDay. I had yet to discover SI or I would have done things totally differently then too. She is still attempting to break NC with WH#2. He may or may not give in eventually, but I don't think he will now, at least not with her. He sees her for the trashy piece of ass she is and always did. She thought he loved her, he didn't. He used her and she let him (she was an old GF/fuck buddy from before we met). She tried to make it out like they were soul mates and that they had always loved each other. She did not know why he married me and not her except that I was financially better off than her and he only stayed with me for my money. #1, I am finacially independent because I put myself through college, worked full time, and was raising two children when we met. I am by no means wealthy and never have been, nor will I ever be. We have a comfortable life but are by no means living it up like she seemed to think we were. I am sure my life looked better than hers...a no where job, moving around from one apartment to the next, two grown children living off her, divorced twice that I know of, addicted to alcohol and drugs, etc.. The one thing that I have that she will never have is my dignity and self respect. She could have everything that I have, but she will never have that and I will never lower myself again to contact her and give her any of my headspace again thanks to my friends on SI and their wisdom.

TrustGone posted 6/15/2013 11:12 AM

Sorry double post!! Stupid computer!!!

[This message edited by TrustGone at 11:12 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]