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Sometimes she downplays (warning graphic)

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2married2quit posted 6/13/2013 16:40 PM

Sometimes she says "it wasn't such a big deal". "I can't believe it, it was nothing and now all this". Once in a while she says these things. While in the fog mostly. But the TT started with flirting, sexting, a kiss, making out to full on physical stuff (fingering). So should I be this pissed? I mean, am I over reacting? She didn't have complete sex or oral (from what I know of).

I just want to know am I sane? Am I making a big deal over nothing or is any physical contact unacceptable? Besides that, there was an emotional affair as well.

lilflower1000 posted 6/13/2013 16:55 PM

Of course it is a big deal. Yes you should be angry. ((hugs))

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/13/2013 16:57 PM

It's a big deal. And the EA hurts a lot, too.

Rebreather posted 6/13/2013 17:05 PM

Yeah. Ouch. That's no remorse.

You aren't crazy. What she did was wrong, wrong, wrong. In addition, it took her a long time to stop contact and to pull her head out. She's really not that far along her healing path. I hope she is doing some intense work on herself.

Skan posted 6/13/2013 17:08 PM

Would she be angry if you allowed someone to jerk you off? I rather think so!

2married2quit posted 6/13/2013 17:12 PM

Thank you!!! Wheww...never been able to tell anyone and I wanted to check if I was insane. But I am pissed. It's been a year so I have accepted it. She's very repented of it, dealing with guilt and shame. The EA was also a huge deal as she was emotionally divorced from me period. The fog has lifted. THANK GOD!

She still has a long way to go.

2married2quit posted 6/13/2013 17:14 PM

I think what happens is that many times we hear about sexual affairs that last years and in comparison to what she did, it is somewhat "minimal". However, betrayal is BETRAYAL. Needless to say, this is one of the things I can't erase from my mind when we make love. Kissing is a big no-no too. I do not make out with her unless we are having sex. She also wears a skirt that he felt her up in. When ever she wears that, I do NOT approach her at all!!!!!

sisoon posted 6/13/2013 17:17 PM

You can recover from this, but betrayal hurts.

The EA hurts tremendously. The sex hurts a lot. The violation of vows hurts a lot. The lying hurts a lot. Above all (IMO), the betrayal hurts more than all the rest combined.

Can you evaluate each element separately? Sometimes I think 'yes', sometimes 'no'.

In the end, you define the level of permitted physical activity. Personally, I suspect I'd feel as bad as I do if the physical aspect had been as little as a romantic kiss.

It IS a BIG DEAL.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:18 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

Afraid2LoveAgain posted 6/13/2013 17:19 PM

Burn that skirt.

2married2quit posted 6/13/2013 17:23 PM

sisoon - I try to break it down and there's levels of intensity for each. The EA, PA, Kisses, sexting, all have different levels of intensity in my anger and hurt.

Afraid2LoveAgain - Agreed. It's one of her faves but it just makes me SO DARN UNCOMFORTABLE every single time she wears it. She threw away a panty and a lingerie already.

Rebreather posted 6/13/2013 17:29 PM

Burn that skirt.

Word.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 6/13/2013 17:29 PM

Betrayal is unacceptable. I have a hard time dealing with some of the stuff that my wife did, but the emotional component of it is just as bad.

As far as that skirt goes...why the hell hasn't it been burned? If she knows it triggers you, a remorseful person would have gotten rid of it.

Here's what remorse looks like:

This morning I got an email from my wife, wanting to know if everything was o.k. because I seemed a little distant. Told her that her "tough Mudder" shirt just kind of got me thinking about the affair, because she had showed the pictures of the event to him. No big deal.
Her response: Consider the shirt trashed, you will never see it again. I am so sorry..etc.

But no, you are in no way, shape, or form, overreacting.

LA44 posted 6/13/2013 17:35 PM

2M2Q: You know what? Who cares if the skirt is one of her favs? Go out TOGETHER and pick out a new fav skirt.

I am saying this kindly to you but it's not repentive to say:

"it wasn't such a big deal". "I can't believe it, it was nothing and now all this". [/quote)

Hugs!

sinsof thefather posted 6/14/2013 02:31 AM

As far as that skirt goes...why the hell hasn't it been burned? If she knows it triggers you, a remorseful person would have gotten rid of it.


Exactly. If she were fully remorseful, she wouldn't be able to bear even the thought of that skirt because of the pain she knows it causes you - it would actually become a trigger for HER too.

But instead, knowing that it DOES hurt you, she actually still wears it? That skirt is more important to her than your pain?

2married2quit, I'll say right now that I haven't read your story before - so maybe I'm way off base with what I say next - but based on this post alone, I'd say it's more than just downplaying going on here. To me it smacks of total selfishness and a lack of true remorse. Sorry.


((2married2quit))

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 2:33 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

Emptyshelldad posted 6/14/2013 02:36 AM

am I the only one that thinks that this could be a downplaying to save bs feelings. once your an adult who has sex regularly, making out of that caliber (third base and all) generally you cross all the way to home plate every time. so.....it seems....convenient that they say they didn't because it does cause this very question....it's it as wrong if they didn't actually sleep together....but come on.....seems very very suspect to me.....anyone else feelings or am I missing something.

2married2quit posted 6/14/2013 10:48 AM

Agreed about the skirt. We'll have the talk this weekend. Today I told her we should go shopping for a new one.

She claims that she has blocked out that person from her mind (OM) and therefore she wants to reclaim things/songs and not be about him at all. Is this wrong? I don't like how it triggers me.

libertyrocks posted 6/14/2013 10:58 AM

I just had my "throw-away-his-clothes-party." It was great and I felt so much better afterwards. He helped, we discussed, and he threw them in the garbage.

But, YES, it hurts!!! I can't believe she says it wasn't a big deal. She has no idea how you feel!! Oooo, I"m so mad at her right now...

Don't let her manipulate your feelings, make her own the very actions she did THAT caused YOU to feel the way you do.

I tell H all the time, HE DID THIS TO ME, now he has to make it better.

Do it when your ready. We've been working on creating new memories from his old ones at places, restaurants, etc...But a hotel. Not just yet. I'm not ready to go on a vacation. That's where he banged his loser broads after they got drunk first. Bc booze was his #1 lover...

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 11:00 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

5454real posted 6/14/2013 11:19 AM

She claims that she has blocked out that person from her mind (OM) and therefore she wants to reclaim things/songs and not be about him at all. Is this wrong?

Ok, fine, it's not about him.

I don't like how it triggers me.

The question is why doesn't she care about you?

Honestly not seeing much remorse from her. Sorry brother.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 6/14/2013 11:39 AM

She claims that she has blocked out that person from her mind (OM) and therefore she wants to reclaim things/songs and not be about him at all. Is this wrong?

Well whoop-dee-fucking-doo for her. I see a person with no remorse or empathy here. It must be one hell of a skirt if it's worth putting her husband through hell every-time he sees it.

I also see a person here who is gearing up for the "I'm moving forward, you need to put this behind you and just move on" speech. She don't get it.


ETA--sorry but this just pisses me off for you.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 11:39 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 6/14/2013 11:58 AM

2M2Q. You are sane and you aren't making a mountain out of a molehill.

The whole skirt thing is an indication that your WW doesn't really understand what she has done. If you haven't read the 'Dry Adultery' post in Wayward by UO, it might be a helpful read for you.

Yes, the argument could be made that it's *just* an article of clothing and that it shouldn't bother you. However, it IS *just* a skirt....so she should be more than willing to get rid of it. And I don't think that she should be placated with the promise of getting her a new favorite skirt. Don't bargain with her over this issue. Burn the darn thing.

And I agree that it seems that the road you guys are on is leading to "it's in the 'past', get over it."

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