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User Topic: Sometimes she downplays (warning graphic)
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes she says "it wasn't such a big deal". "I can't believe it, it was nothing and now all this". Once in a while she says these things. While in the fog mostly. But the TT started with flirting, sexting, a kiss, making out to full on physical stuff (fingering). So should I be this pissed? I mean, am I over reacting? She didn't have complete sex or oral (from what I know of).

I just want to know am I sane? Am I making a big deal over nothing or is any physical contact unacceptable? Besides that, there was an emotional affair as well.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1446 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
lilflower1000
♀ 36634
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course it is a big deal. Yes you should be angry. ((hugs))


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
FeelingSoMuch
♂ 38814
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a big deal. And the EA hurts a lot, too.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. Ouch. That's no remorse.

You aren't crazy. What she did was wrong, wrong, wrong. In addition, it took her a long time to stop contact and to pull her head out. She's really not that far along her healing path. I hope she is doing some intense work on herself.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6698 | Registered: Jan 2011
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would she be angry if you allowed someone to jerk you off? I rather think so!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5312 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you!!! Wheww...never been able to tell anyone and I wanted to check if I was insane. But I am pissed. It's been a year so I have accepted it. She's very repented of it, dealing with guilt and shame. The EA was also a huge deal as she was emotionally divorced from me period. The fog has lifted. THANK GOD!

She still has a long way to go.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1446 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what happens is that many times we hear about sexual affairs that last years and in comparison to what she did, it is somewhat "minimal". However, betrayal is BETRAYAL. Needless to say, this is one of the things I can't erase from my mind when we make love. Kissing is a big no-no too. I do not make out with her unless we are having sex. She also wears a skirt that he felt her up in. When ever she wears that, I do NOT approach her at all!!!!!


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1446 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can recover from this, but betrayal hurts.

The EA hurts tremendously. The sex hurts a lot. The violation of vows hurts a lot. The lying hurts a lot. Above all (IMO), the betrayal hurts more than all the rest combined.

Can you evaluate each element separately? Sometimes I think 'yes', sometimes 'no'.

In the end, you define the level of permitted physical activity. Personally, I suspect I'd feel as bad as I do if the physical aspect had been as little as a romantic kiss.

It IS a BIG DEAL.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:18 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10793 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Afraid2LoveAgain
♀ 11185
Member # 11185
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Burn that skirt.


BW -- 57
Divorced 2001
Re-married 2014--on what would have been our 35th anniversary

Posts: 434 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: NC
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sisoon - I try to break it down and there's levels of intensity for each. The EA, PA, Kisses, sexting, all have different levels of intensity in my anger and hurt.

Afraid2LoveAgain - Agreed. It's one of her faves but it just makes me SO DARN UNCOMFORTABLE every single time she wears it. She threw away a panty and a lingerie already.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1446 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Burn that skirt.

Word.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6698 | Registered: Jan 2011
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ 34716
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayal is unacceptable. I have a hard time dealing with some of the stuff that my wife did, but the emotional component of it is just as bad.

As far as that skirt goes...why the hell hasn't it been burned? If she knows it triggers you, a remorseful person would have gotten rid of it.

Here's what remorse looks like:

This morning I got an email from my wife, wanting to know if everything was o.k. because I seemed a little distant. Told her that her "tough Mudder" shirt just kind of got me thinking about the affair, because she had showed the pictures of the event to him. No big deal.
Her response: Consider the shirt trashed, you will never see it again. I am so sorry..etc.

But no, you are in no way, shape, or form, overreacting.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2M2Q: You know what? Who cares if the skirt is one of her favs? Go out TOGETHER and pick out a new fav skirt.

I am saying this kindly to you but it's not repentive to say:

"it wasn't such a big deal". "I can't believe it, it was nothing and now all this". [/quote)

Hugs!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2685 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as that skirt goes...why the hell hasn't it been burned? If she knows it triggers you, a remorseful person would have gotten rid of it.


Exactly. If she were fully remorseful, she wouldn't be able to bear even the thought of that skirt because of the pain she knows it causes you - it would actually become a trigger for HER too.

But instead, knowing that it DOES hurt you, she actually still wears it? That skirt is more important to her than your pain?

2married2quit, I'll say right now that I haven't read your story before - so maybe I'm way off base with what I say next - but based on this post alone, I'd say it's more than just downplaying going on here. To me it smacks of total selfishness and a lack of true remorse. Sorry.


((2married2quit))

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 2:33 AM, June 14th (Friday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1904 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Emptyshelldad
♂ 32292
Member # 32292
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

am I the only one that thinks that this could be a downplaying to save bs feelings. once your an adult who has sex regularly, making out of that caliber (third base and all) generally you cross all the way to home plate every time. so.....it seems....convenient that they say they didn't because it does cause this very question....it's it as wrong if they didn't actually sleep together....but come on.....seems very very suspect to me.....anyone else feelings or am I missing something.


Me: BH - 28, Her: WW - 31, 10 years, 5 months, 6 days.
2 beautiful daughters. 1 devious, deceitful, serpant-like liar of a wife.
"oh god this has brought a path of destruction and scorching pain leaving in its wake a charred wasteland of a onc

Posts: 149 | Registered: May 2011 | From: emptyshelldad
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed about the skirt. We'll have the talk this weekend. Today I told her we should go shopping for a new one.

She claims that she has blocked out that person from her mind (OM) and therefore she wants to reclaim things/songs and not be about him at all. Is this wrong? I don't like how it triggers me.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1446 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just had my "throw-away-his-clothes-party." It was great and I felt so much better afterwards. He helped, we discussed, and he threw them in the garbage.

But, YES, it hurts!!! I can't believe she says it wasn't a big deal. She has no idea how you feel!! Oooo, I"m so mad at her right now...

Don't let her manipulate your feelings, make her own the very actions she did THAT caused YOU to feel the way you do.

I tell H all the time, HE DID THIS TO ME, now he has to make it better.

Do it when your ready. We've been working on creating new memories from his old ones at places, restaurants, etc...But a hotel. Not just yet. I'm not ready to go on a vacation. That's where he banged his loser broads after they got drunk first. Bc booze was his #1 lover...

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 11:00 AM, June 14th (Friday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She claims that she has blocked out that person from her mind (OM) and therefore she wants to reclaim things/songs and not be about him at all. Is this wrong?

Ok, fine, it's not about him.

I don't like how it triggers me.

The question is why doesn't she care about you?

Honestly not seeing much remorse from her. Sorry brother.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 21(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3354 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ 34716
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She claims that she has blocked out that person from her mind (OM) and therefore she wants to reclaim things/songs and not be about him at all. Is this wrong?

Well whoop-dee-fucking-doo for her. I see a person with no remorse or empathy here. It must be one hell of a skirt if it's worth putting her husband through hell every-time he sees it.

I also see a person here who is gearing up for the "I'm moving forward, you need to put this behind you and just move on" speech. She don't get it.


ETA--sorry but this just pisses me off for you.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 11:39 AM, June 14th (Friday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2M2Q. You are sane and you aren't making a mountain out of a molehill.

The whole skirt thing is an indication that your WW doesn't really understand what she has done. If you haven't read the 'Dry Adultery' post in Wayward by UO, it might be a helpful read for you.

Yes, the argument could be made that it's *just* an article of clothing and that it shouldn't bother you. However, it IS *just* a skirt....so she should be more than willing to get rid of it. And I don't think that she should be placated with the promise of getting her a new favorite skirt. Don't bargain with her over this issue. Burn the darn thing.

And I agree that it seems that the road you guys are on is leading to "it's in the 'past', get over it."


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8264 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

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