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timeless posted 6/13/2013 16:58 PM

So many of us here. My love and support to you all. I'm one of the older ones who always thought married life was to be cherished and worked on. My WS has decided it is more rewarding to have on line affairs with numerous younger "special" women who revive his passions both physical and emotional. (He does have an issue with age and is a few years younger than I.) I've tried and still try the 180 but my heart speaks out at times which of course defeats the purpose. I'm so tired and need to grasp support from somewhere....small town and don't want the gossip queens here knowing all about my life.
He just told me he will go away for 6 months to try to see what it is he wants in life. He said it might be the "best" or the "worst" thing he could do for us, but he has to do it. He wants to know what I will do while he is gone. My disbelief that after 33 years he could even contemplate this action stopped me dead in my tracks. I said I'd have to get back to him about that (the only thing I could say in a controlled manner). I can't handle this anymore. I don't know where my husband went...he would never have done this.
Please offer any words of encouragement or WS is in a fog but so am I.
Thank you for listening.

fallingquickly posted 6/13/2013 17:14 PM

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I have no idea what is right for you. The first answer that popped into my head when I read that he asked you what you would do while he was gone is, "Filing for divorce."

I don't know if I would have done it but it is the first thing I thought of.

momentintime posted 6/13/2013 17:14 PM

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Sounds like he wants to test the waters outside the M, but he wants you to stay on the shelf in case he can't find anything better (in his mind!). Hon, don't let him think you will just be sitting home alone, pining for him if he leaves, even though that is what his

He wants to know what I will do while he is gone.

was fishing for, a reassurance that you won't want change. What foolishness on his part. Tell him you can't make any promises about what you'll do, or how you will feel if he wants to come back. After all, you have no guarantee he will come back. Also, he may have something lined up and if it works out, well, you understand...he just had to do it, to find his happiness.

FTG! Don't try to reassure him, don't promise him anything, after all he is the one walking out. Be strong, you can't nice him into changing his mind. Let him worry about what he is risking and what he could lose. Don't be a doormat for him.

BeautifulEmpty posted 6/13/2013 18:27 PM

My heart just breaks reading this.
Please take care of your self and resist the urge to plead with him, if it hits you during this time.
You aren't the 'winner', you are the Prize. Please don't forget this while he's treating you like a canned good by putting you on the shelf in stasis while he decides what's best for him.
He's forgotten that he already made that decision right around when he said 'I do'.

Lionne posted 6/13/2013 19:00 PM

Married 34 years here. 30 years when I found out that my SAfWH had been trolling for whores wherever they could be found. So I can relate to where you are coming from. I'm going to give you advice I wish I had taken myself.

Your first instinct is to beg him to stay. Don't. Get to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row. Protect your assets. Start to live a life, YOUR life. Do this with no regard to what he is doing, he's not thinking of you, he's not thinking at all, come to think of it...

This isn't easy, it's heartbreaking, it's devastating. But it's reality. Right now he wants his cake and eat it, too. You have no control over him. But you can control what you do.

Make a life for yourself without him. He may come crawling back, and then, well, you can decide if you want to let him.

Many hugs to you. I truly know how hard this is, I have BTDT. Don't allow him to further abuse you. You are the prize, and he doesn't realize it.

stillhere09 posted 6/13/2013 20:29 PM

Welcome to SI.

I guarantee you he will not be alone for that six months.

After 12 years of M, I went through this on a much smaller scale. My WH was only gone for a week with his whore. He wanted to know what I would do while he was gone, too. I didn't answer that question. But when he left, I stood behind his van as he got into it and I copied his license plate number. He wondered all week if a PI was watching him.

The other posters are right - Begging him to stay is the fastest way to chase him away. I know it's so hard to do, but calmly tell him, "Oh, begin my new life, file for D, look up old flames, take your pick."

Of course, looking up old flames is a very very bad idea, but it might do him some good to wonder.

timeless posted 6/13/2013 21:10 PM

Thank you all for your replies. I read them and had a good cry (in private of course) which actually took some of the pressure off. Some may see it as "self pity" but just having a kind word or two really helps. My WS came back to tell me his plan to leave might not be such a good idea for "us", then said "but there really isn't any "us" right now is there? DUH!!! What a mixed up fool he is. As to his going away, I said I could accept it with a more open mind if he were going to get some help with his on line "addiction" to start with. " you think that's what it is?!!" was his exasperated reply. (The nerve of me to suggest it!!)
I said that if he were going to try to get help and NOT to hook up with these women, we MIGHT be able to talk at some future date. I added that it sickened me that after all these years any correspondence would be limited to "financial" matters, as I didn't want to hear about any of his wonderful new "friends" or how good they actually were in bed. It really sickens me that I have to talk to him in this way, but I no longer know him!! He has gone for a drive (probably to text his favorites)...more crap to come I'm sure. Sorry...I really wasn't raised to talk this way.
(stillhere09...good suggestion about an old flame, but the only one I would really care about is married and became a millionaire!!! Guess I should have married him instead!!!! Also, right now my WS would likely just view it as a bonus for him to be free.
Thank you all...I know I have to pick up my pieces but it's pretty raw today.

Broken1Again posted 6/13/2013 22:01 PM

It just donned on me after reading your last post that you didn't give your WS what he wanted to make it easier for him to "leave for 6 months". He wanted you to cry, kick, scream, beg, plead, do your ugly face cry...etc..etc.. and you didn't. It totally unnerved him. You need to stick to your guns now.

In an ideal world, wouldn't it be great to say, after he said "I'm not sure it's the right thing", to have said "oh no, you have to go, I've made arrangements and plans all ready." He would leave, but WOW would you ever have his head spinning! Bet you it would drive him CRAZY!!

But that's not reality, because chances are you want to kick, scream, ugly face cry, etc..etc..(I'm there with you!) All I can say, from experience and I know you don't see it but take it from someone who has been there (and is still there for years and years and years), that the best thing he could ever do for you is leave for 6 months and never come back. I know it's not what you want to do/hear, but it is not fun to wonder like you are right now if he's "taking a drive" to text his _______ (insert whatever word you want here cause I've got a few of them pouring out of my mouth right now!)

Try and be strong and tell him he needs to go...It's the only way to either work this out or be done with it for good.

timeless posted 6/13/2013 22:33 PM

Thanks Broken 1 Again for your insight. Yes I was rather proud that I didn't let out my "reality" emotions when talking to him. I'm really anxious right now as an unexpected wave of pure rage has swept over me and I can't seem to put it to rest. I'm backsliding mentally and thinking about how he is going to run right to his special woman once he leaves here. What should I care I know...I should care about me. But what do I do with this rage???

timeless posted 6/13/2013 22:43 PM

WOW. Sorry to "go on" again but he just ran in to tell me he and our good friend (male) are going out for coffee. He leaned over and whispered "don't worry, this matter is between us only...I'm just telling him I'm going away to find work elsewhere...he doesn't need to know our personal business:" OH REALLY????
I can't believe how happy he is!!! Yes I can....Now what do I do with THIS LITTLE BIT OF RAGE?????? I do not want to be viewed as the "victim" but how in the world does one carry on like nothing is happening in front of others??? I just can't do the 180 and smile all the time!!!!

UKlady posted 6/14/2013 04:49 AM


You will get lots of support here - it has been a godsend for me too.

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now, it all feels so surreal doesn't it?

When you said,

It really sickens me that I have to talk to him in this way, but I no longer know him!!

that struck a chord with me. I've sat in front of my WH and said to him, "I don't know you."

It doesn't sound like he is taking any responsibility for his actions and doesn't deserve you. I recommend you think about yourself. It's never too late to learn something new for yourself. Maybe something you've always wanted to do but put off because of general living, getting on with 'stuff'.

You need to take care or you - I believe it can help you to feel better and, as for him, let him know what you need for recovery, no debating and if he can't deliver you must cut him out of your life. Sorry - it sounds so easy to say but I know it won't be so in actuality.

Take good care of yourself.

timeless posted 6/14/2013 06:57 AM

Thank you UKlady for responding. My anger last night was unbelievable. Today I'm just overwhelmingly sad. I somehow have to pull it together and go to work. Yesterday I tried so hard to set it all aside and ended up bursting into tears there more than once. How does one appear to be "normal" at work when you're dying inside??
He came back last night from his "drive" and coffee with our friend and was acting so nice to me I wanted to scream. He said he wants to try and stop this on line behavior but at the same time said if he can't "get himself together" there is no "us". He said for now he won't text her/them in my presence as he can see it shatters me!! Great help to leave our home to do it!!! He thinks he might need to meet with her to see if anything is if it is then I guess he won't need to "fix" himself. He had sworn before that it was all just a fantasy and he would never meet with anyone in person. Funny how he now plans to move to her area to "look for work".
I'm dying here. Please tell me if there is any hope. I don't know how to carry on anymore.
Why do I even want to hope when I'm smart enough to see the writing on the wall.
Words of support badly needed to go on and pretend at work. I won't...but I want to ask him not to do this to us. Do these things ever work out in favor of the BS?

Holly-Isis posted 6/14/2013 07:00 AM

The real questions are:

Are you ok with your husband taking a sabbatical from the M?

Are you ok with sharing him?

Will you be able to live with him when he gets back and doesn't want to reveal what he's done?

Likely he won't feel there's an A (or string of As) to recover from as you gave him "permission". Are you ok with potentially living the rest of your M with this time and his actions but not dealing with it?

Are you prepared for the potential STDs he might bring home?

Are you prepared to give him permission, wait faithfully, then have him decide easy women off of Craigslist is a better deal than having to become a faithful husband?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, then you need to steel yourself to tell him, "You're either in the M or out of it. If you leave, I will file for divorce."

Something to think about: he seems to expect you to remain faithful while he plays the tomcat with who knows how many women. Also, he's expecting you to keep a secret within the M while he's running outside of the M. He has made this all about him and is showing no concern for you. Your best bet at a wake up call is D. Even if he doesn't wake up before he does this horrible thing (and I find it atrocious, callous, selfish, cruel...) then you are at least protecting yourself. Like you said, your husband is gone. In his place is an alien wearing his skin and that is who you would be D.

timeless posted 6/14/2013 07:15 AM

Yes Holly. All you said is true. (I really have a brain most times...just the pain doesn't want it to function 100%). I've thought about all those questions before and know that it's the problem of me not wanting to give up on him, the "him" I used to know. He's not there now. I also realize his wanting to excuse his actions to people is not for "my" protection of privacy but for his. He has already suggested D but felt I might want to try separation for now. I really don't think he will pine away for wonderful me. I guess I just don't see any other way to give him a chance to wake up or give up but to let him go. I don't even think the possibility of him wanting to get back together at some point can be seriously contemplated at this point. I can't make him stay. But I'm pretty sure this will take a turn for the worse on my part before he actually leaves. can he expect me to "carry on" and wait for his renewal IF it ever happened. I honestly don't want to face it....there....I've told the truth.

Williesmom posted 6/14/2013 07:32 AM

((timeless)) Welcome.

If you agree to a separation, he will see it as unspoken permission to whore around. Because, hey, we're "separated".

Tell him what is unacceptable in your marriage and back up those boundaries. Anything less is disrespectful to you and the marriage.

Be strong (at least when he sees you). Cry in private all the time.

Also, don't keep his secrets. If he's ashamed of his actions, then he shouldn't be doing tose things.

Holly-Isis posted 6/14/2013 07:39 AM

It's hard to face it. When my pastor told me that the biggest chance of a WS waking up was for the BS to file for D, I wasn't ready. Heck- a PASTOR was telling me D was my best option.

I started doing the 180 (before I knew what the 180 was- Healing Library > BS FAQs > #11). I emotionally distanced from him. I consulted a lawyer. Then I could finally tell him, "I deserve better than this. I'm ready for a D."

A WS may talk about D, but usually it's an entirely different reality for them when the BS decides enough is enough and moves towards D.

Do they wake up, remove their heads from their tailpipes every time? Become the people we M? Not always. But by that time we've managed to emotionally detach. To accept that we can't love them back to the M. To believe we deserve better treatment. To know that sometimes love means you refuse to let someone wallow in their destructive behavior.

We have all been that desperate BS, clinging to the spouse we knew, the M we thought we had. We're not telling you what you're feeling is wrong. We're just trying to share how to move through this a little faster, hopefully with less pain. So you can get to a place of strength and hope- with or without your WH.

ETA- ditto Williesmom.

If you can't talk D, then be sure to mention that since he regards this S as a chance to sleep around, you will consider yourself bound by the same rules he is. Let him wonder just like you will be.

I would recommend that you use this time (if you accept it in your M) to go NC with him. Do not be a wife to him in any way. Let him take care of his food, clothes, finances, appointments and so on.

I am so sorry that the man you love is disrespecting you like this.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 7:44 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 6/14/2013 07:53 AM


Welcome. I am glad you found us. Have you been to a lawyer? I know in my case I was terrified of the unknown and wondering how i would survive if I divorced.

Come to find out, long term marriages have special protection in many states, and my situation was not dire at all, financially speaking.

It was really scary to go, but empowering at the same time. Please consider going in for a consult. Side benefit is, any lawyer you speak with he cannot use.

Also, do stop being his wife. He just fired you from that. he can take care of his needs all by himself. He can cook, he can clean, and he can share his troubles with all those people he finds so attractive. 180 him.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 7:56 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

painpaingoaway posted 6/14/2013 07:59 AM

I am so sorry timeless.

He is an idiot, and there simply is no talking to an idiot with fake 'lurvvee' hormones surging thru his veins.

Is there anyway you can take a little time off from work to get your ducks in a row?

But what do I do with this rage???
Channel the rage into taking care of protecting yourself emotionally, financially, and physically.

1) see a lawyer, or several, find out what your rights are. If you live in a 'fault' state you will need proof of his adultery. So now is the time to get the goods on him. A lawyer will advise you about hiring a PI.
2) see your doctor for a little something to take the edge off and get tested for STD's
3) start gathering and copying all financial records, store copies in a safe place
4) join a gym, or starting going for a walk everyday
5) drink lots of water, stay hydrated, pack small healthy snacks to keep with you at work if you start feeling sick
6)start keeping a journal or calendar to keep track of what is going on with him...(later on, you may need this because you will be confused and have terrible recall of events while you are highly emotional)
7) get a VAR, and record all conversations with him
8) keep a close eye on all his financial transactions online or otherwise. Be prepared to close accounts or shut things down if large sums of money start to disappear
9) try to go do something for yourself that might bring you a tad of joy
10) remember you are not alone, and you will always have us here to talk to.

Stay strong sweetie.


timeless posted 6/14/2013 08:08 AM

I hear you. Yes emotional detachment is the key for me. Unfortunately lawyers cost money, even for a half hour consultation (I've enquired) and I do not have any funds. I work but don't make enough to support myself and pay lawyer's fees. (He promises to send money but I do not listen to promises anymore). I fear I will set aside the 180 and just let out all the anger at everything rage away at him. I know it won't be taken in by him and wake him up, but it will get it off my chest.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/14/2013 08:19 AM

Awww, I'm so sorry you're hurting.

My number ONE rule in life is to never go where I'm not welcome. I've always stuck to that rule and yes, it's very pride-based.

But it's served me well, and can hopefully serve you well, too.

He wants to go?


But don't hold the door open, providing him with a safe place to land.

The day he walks out the door is the day you should CLOSE it. For your own sanity and emotional health.

Don't let him bleed you once he leaves. But let him go.

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