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How do others deal with jealousy?

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FeelingSoMuch posted 6/13/2013 22:32 PM

Among the many things I'm struggling with is jealousy.

Here's the worst part about it. The OM is ugly. No joke, I'm not just saying this for the obvious reason.

My WW is considered gorgeous. I'm considered a good looking guy. WTF???

And he had a live-in girlfriend of two years that my WW knew about.

You know the commercials about four out of five dentists endorsing a product? (There's always that one dissenting dentist)

Well, I feel that five out of five female dentists would choose me over OM. The two exceptions in the world are my WW and his mom.

OK, I'm probably sounding conceited here but I'm more likely trying to give my self-esteem a boost. I showed OM's Facebook photo to people who have no idea about the A and they all said -- without exception -- eeew. Dirty looking guy.

My WW is very well put together when it comes to how she dresses and so on. As I am. OM is a slob.


I'm done venting. The truth is I'm feeling jealous. I don't know how to make that better.

Suggestions are appreciated.

Ostrich80 posted 6/13/2013 22:56 PM

When I've shown pix of the ow to people I know, they are shocked. It doesn't make me feel any better in fact maybe worse. I know I'm better looking than her and I'm not conceited either. All I can say is he went slummin' and I like to think he feels like a slimeball himself and that makes them a perfect match. My ws is a good looking guy, as my dad says, he ain't no Ricky Nelson :grin
but he stays in shape and women seem attracted to him. I don't get it so I try to not go there because it could potentially drive me crazy.:

Oh back to the question..dealing with jealousy. I'm more jealous of what she's got that I don't know about. Must be pretty good unless he carries a bag to cover her face. Yes I get jealous sometimes and I deal with it by slipping into sweet denial and stuffing it way back into my thoughts. Probably not the healthiest approach but it gets me through those days.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 11:05 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

keptmyword posted 6/13/2013 23:09 PM

It's not about looks. It's about broken dysfunctional behavior. Your WW is weak-minded and has weak boundaries. The OM is also weak-minded and has no boundaries. He was just looking for someone weaker than him.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/13/2013 23:15 PM

keptmyword, intellectually I know that. And surprisingly, I don't have a problem having sex with my WW because I feel I'm better than the OM in every way (and yes, I know comparisons are not healthy).

I fully get that it's not about looks. But I still feel jealous. My WW shared with him intimacy that she had promised to share with me only.

The only thing that makes it easier, is knowing that the OM doesn't appreciate what she shared with him as much as I appreciate it.

And that makes me so mad at my WW, for sharing with someone who doesn't appreciate her.

I know. I'm all over the place. Today has been one of those difficult days and I'm thankful for the opportunity to vent here.

Jospehine85 posted 6/13/2013 23:15 PM

OM's physical appearance is pretty much proof that it didn't matter to your WW who the guy was. It wasn't about him. It was about the validation she got. Could have been anyone. Your wife was having an affair with a fantasy, not with THAT specific guy. He just happened to be the broken individual who was willing to stroke her ego. If you had asked her to rate his looks then and now, the responses would be considerably different.

My brother's thought WH's MOW was a man in drag when I showed them the pictures she had posted of herself on Facebook (the one's she considered the most flattering).

My WH now thinks she looks like Alfred E Neumann (they could be identical twins). Yet during the A he thought he was in love with a stunningly beautiful woman.

What he was in love with was a fantasy projected on to MOW.

He couldn't figure out why I kept referring to MOW as Mule Mouth. He hadn't noticed the big gap between her front teeth and the blackened enamel. He was aghast when I showed him a picture a month after Dday.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/13/2013 23:17 PM

Jospehine85, thank you for the laughs. I needed that before going to bed tonight

namaste32 posted 6/14/2013 08:13 AM

I cant really answer you question,but I just want you to know that I truly understand how you feel. Its very similar to my situation. I am very slim,after having 3kids,and very healthy and fit. Really dont want to sound snobby,but I do turn heads. So does my H. We both dress well. The OW on the other hand is 15 years older then me. She looks dirty,like once a week shower type. She has a face that only and I repeat only a mother could love,.....she is also very ,very heavy and looks manly. She has hair on her face and a wart on her nose. So yeah,you get it,not really good. It hurts even more for me because he screwed something like this and I used to get angry.I used to ask my H ,you really couldnt find someone in our class? Instead of a fat butch,and oh yeah a single mother of like 5 kids, job,...and so on,so you see a real peach,huh? Anyways,I now understand that the OW could had been anybody. She was at the right place at the right time,also broken,willing to settle for leftovers,and stroke another broken persons ego. Also a pretty,good looking,healthy person is very unlikely to do something like this.Hope this helps a little,take care

brokensmile322 posted 6/14/2013 08:23 AM

I get what you are saying.

The OW is very pretty, put together and has a good job. I am jealous the other way because I am 10 yrs older, with kids and the battle scars to prove it. I don't feel as good as the OW.

But I am also very jealous of all women now. I never used to be. I was confident. Now any woman that looks my WH's way drives me nuts. Business colleagues bother me. It really is an awful way to live.

I'll be paying close attention to this thread. I need it!

windowsnotwalls posted 6/14/2013 08:28 AM

It was something I dealt with a lot, but in a way, you're fortunate that OM was so ugly. It only goes to show more that the A wasn't about you. There was nothing you could've done to be more attractive, a better husband, etc to prevent her from having the A. Use this as knowledge to empower you that the A really is 100% about your WW's own brokenness.

I'm no psychiatrist, but from what I've read concerning issues like this, (because MrWNW was with some truly trifling OW), it's attributed to their own bottomed out self-esteem. The ugly slobbish OM would dote on her, make her seem like a princess, without her having to put forth any effort at all. It's what my IC would call an inferiority complex. They seek out individuals lesser than so that they can feel better about themselves. When they're around people equal or better than them, they feel small, unworthy. It's HER issues is the point. Nothing for you to feel bad about. She needs help. Try to look at her with compassion for her brokenness. Is she in IC?

Long Gone posted 6/14/2013 09:38 AM

My fWW AP was a complete walking disaster.
Me? Im not......not being concieted, but I am a long distance triathlete and take great care of myself. The OM was shorter than her, chubby to downright fat...balding and smoked like a chimney. I have an MS...he had a GED and delivered bread for a living but has gone from job to job like I change shirts.
Not that there is anything wrong with that...

What have I learned? Its not about you my could be Brad Pitt....and it wouldn't matter...its about them and what they see in the mirror....My wife had thought I had been cheating on her for years when in reality I had reality I had checked out due to her constant fucked up behavior...
She felt worthless...ugly...etc etc..when in fact she is gorgeous.

The OM filled a void because he made her feel like she was a comparison to him...she was....he kept telling her how lucky he was he was so happy that he was with a woman like her

It ain't you my friend....I had to swallow my pride and drive on.....took a long time though...

Long Gone posted 6/14/2013 09:43 AM

On the other talks with the APs BW.....she is having or had a very very hard time with it....when it is the other way around...her WH was having an affair with a woman that she considers so far above made me so sad to hear her cry on the phone......
She stalked us awhile...went to our area of the city to shop, drove by our house.....ugh...she lives 35 miles away....

ugh....they should have a "kick a cheater in the ass" day.....

libertyrocks posted 6/14/2013 10:13 AM

Dude, same here!!!
You need to address your self esteem daily. I do, anyways.

They pick weaker, uglier ones sometimes to make themselves feel better. H admitted to picking OW with issues, so he could have drinking buddies.

The part I'm jealous of most is style. I am, but I'm not. I will explain. I'm pretty young looking, people think I'm in 20's when I'm really in 30's. I'm petite. I like indie music, rock n roll, I have black hair, I still think I"m cool (Like Paul Rudd in that THIS IS 40 movie lol)and I like cars, monster trucks, racing, etc. Well, H likes sports, hip hop, we're totally different. Well, he goes and picks these ghetto hoodrats like they're from a damn snoop dogg video, which I don't like at all. I truly love myself, but I still get jealous too, because that's what he wanted... :(

So, to deal with it, I tell myself I would never be like those girls, drinking, smoking weed, etc. It's not me. I'm intelligent, well-mannered, I have great morals, a good mother, etc.

Wow, this was a good question and very, very theraputic for me. Thanks for posting!

I started doing the 180 and my self esteem is starting to heal and get stronger. Now, I feel I'm too good for FWH!! lol. No, I'm just kidding, but I do feel really good about myself now. It took a long while though...

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:14 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

Razor posted 6/14/2013 10:32 AM

You will probably get better answers from women when it comes to picking apart the female psyche which is something Ive never understood. So many times I see a smart and beautiful woman with some scum. The bad boy with no teeth and poor hygiene. What the heck is that about?

I have seen that women are sometimes attracted to men that make them laugh. So maybe that had something to do with her choice.

But consider. Would it be better for you if OM looked like a male model? Would you feel better if you were the less good looking one?

My WWs OM was good looking, witty, funny, and smart. Im not a troll myself but in all honesty I have to say that compared to OM I pale. OM is better looking and better educated. He is also a good listener (or pretends to be soas to get what he wants).

But here we are. Does any of that really matter? We all go through the questioning of *why wasnt I enough?* I am not sure that *why* will ever make sense to us. But the truth of it is that we were not enough.

In the end though she is with you NOW. So how are you 2 NOW?

wanttogoforward posted 6/14/2013 13:44 PM

We all have feelings of jealousy at times.... for the waywards though I truly believe an A is not about how they look... I beleive I am much better looking than the last OW.... anyway....

I think it's all about the high the person gets when they talk to the OP.... they begin by being more just friends and it leads to a compliment... that leads to more compliments and the wayward gets a high in endorphins from hearing things they likely haven't heard in years form a fresh perspective... it causes them to do things they might likely not do normally.... is it a good excuse - hell no- but I feel this is how a person can get themselves into an intimate- type of relationship with someone who is not their spouse/ SO.... the key is to have boundaries!
I have never allowed myself to go down the road of infidelity because I stop the flirting before it takes over... as all people in a relationship should do....
It's not about the other persons looks- it's how your spouse feels when the OP says flattering things.... and it nearly always leads to trouble!

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/14/2013 14:43 PM

Thank you for the posts. I'm feeling a lot better today and loved reading some of the stories about APs shared here.

Right on, namaste32. You're absolutely right, the OM (in your case, OW) could've been anybody.

My WW and I work very different hours. She has a great job except that it forces her to do a split shift 6-9 a.m., then 3-6 p.m.

I work 11-7. We see each other very little and it was in that in-between time the A was going on.

She needed attention and he was a great listener -- now she apparently realizes that he was such a great listener because he was prepared to say whatever she wanted to hear just to keep the sex going.

I could've done that, too, but have always had too much respect for my wife to give her bull. I have, however, kept up my habit of telling her I love her every day.

Long Gone, thanks for sharing. It doesn't make sense they would cheat down, but when you really think about it, cheating down does give people a kind of self-esteem boost (I'm not endorsing it in any way).

The weird thing is, I never stopped telling my wife how attracted I am to her and trying to show it. I guess after 12 years of seeing me at my best and worst (in the bathroom, etc) some of the luster can wear off. It didn't for me, though.

Razor, you're asking how we're doing. The most honest answer is, we're doing better.

It hasn't been four months and I find that every day I have at least a roughly 15-minute period where I don't think about the A.

My WW is less defensive, but not totally so. She's pretty good about saying "I'm sorry" but sucks at listing the things she's sorry for. Yes, from time to time I ask for that.

We're both in MC and IC. Last night we started spending a daily half hour following an exercise given to us by our MC that forces us to give each other appreciations. It made me feel good and my wife seemed to also appreciate it.

I think about D a lot. The best way to explain how I think about it is this. I don't want D. I want to work through this because I love my wife. But feeling that I can D her makes me feel more free to try harder in R. Does that make any sense? R feels like a choice, not like the only path.

I wake up feeling stronger every day, even though some days are tougher than others. OM wakes up just as ugly every day and that makes me smile.

Tripletrouble posted 6/15/2013 12:57 PM

My WH didn't seem to have any standards whatsoever. No matter age, weight, race, he sexted with them all. Still don't know if he slept with any of them. Apparently the only line he drew was gender - at least it was all women. This has not only been devastating as I have no idea who they were (so in public it could be any female), but it has also left me feeling like there isn't a woman alive who isn't more attractive than me. It's nothing short of traumatic and devastating to the self esteem.

Lucky posted 6/15/2013 13:04 PM

My brother's thought WH's MOW was a man in drag when I showed them the pictures she had posted of herself on Facebook (the one's she considered the most flattering).

Exactly what everyone thought of OW, I think she looks like a troll, which she really is!
She's a truly awful manipulative unhappy thang - I can't be jealous of THAT

[This message edited by Lucky at 1:05 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/16/2013 11:39 AM

The other thing to keep in mind about OM/OW is that even the more physically attractive ones are pretty ugly on the inside

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