Also, R isn't just about them wanting to come back. It's about how they treat you and own what they've done. Remorse, respect, transparency.
If his heart is really in this, he will be handing over the information you're asking for, and then some.
FWH would remember a detail he omitted and then suck it up and tell be because he knew that if I discovered anything on my own I was out. That is the very thin thread our relationship was hanging by.
Depression and grumpiness? Lashing out at YOU? I don't think he's NEAR R. He just wants to be comfortable. Don't make if comfy.
I think he still needs to send a NC letter.
Wonder how that will go over!!
Well his reaction will show you how serious he is about R.
Also, R isn't just about them wanting to come back. It's about how they treat you and own what they've done.
Word. I know it's hard - but keep holding your ground with him, you've got to be keep being strong and set the stage for R, because he's still trying to keep the upperhand. I agree with the others - demand that official NC be sent and don't let him dictate ANYTHING right now.
Until he commits to the M and stops focusing on himself.
Until he's transparent. Gives you access to his phone and any accounts he has.
Until he's honest. Answers any questions you have, no matter how painful.
Until he's earnest- he digs in and does the work. Makes an appointment with a MC and/or an IC. Reads books on infidelity recovery. Takes action where it needs to be taken.
Again, reading your profile I'd also say he needs to go NC with his BFF. That man and his GF were not friends. They helped him tear his family apart. Also, he should go to AA from what I just read.
You need to seek IC. We all lose it, but the physical attacks could work against you, especially if it comes down to D. Anger is fine, taking it physical, while gratifying perhaps, is frowned upon and could lose you custody of your kids. Go to IC and work on not only what emotions this has caused, but behaviors for when you are angry, feeling unsafe or deeply hurting. A good IC will help you learn how to go past the primitive reactions of fight, flight or freeze.
Put him out of his misery and send him packing.
YOU need to go into spy mode, snoop, put a VAR in his car. I bet dimes to dollars that he will break NC before the weekend is out. I would also demand a NC letter.
You need to calmly tell him that he made his choices, and it's not your fault that he hurt you deeply, and if he continues to behave like a jerk that you will send him packing again. Be prepared to follow through too.
He was scared, and is trying to get back to his previous comfort level. He is not doing the hard work of R.
I would 180 him and go into spy mode. And make sure he knows you are willing to walk away if necessary.
He is not committed to R with behaving this way. Right now this needs to be about him behaving in a way that is kind, compassionate and caring. Doing whatever it is YOU need to start to heal.
Sorry doesn't quite cover this one.
He needs to go to IC to figure out WHY he chose to cheat. He needs to understand what allowed him to disregard you and your family?
Your anger is perfectly understandable. It is normal. You have been hurt and betrayed. How can you NOT be angry?
It does get better with time. Time is an ugly word and concept I know. But this is all still pretty new and raw.
Define your boundaries and let him know that he needs to start behaving like he wants to be there and shelf his ego and be there for you. If he can't do that then you have an indication of where he stands.
You then can make the decision if you are going to allow him to be this way or choose another path.
I would also demand proof that he broke it off. NC letter or email that you watch him send.
Right now I think he's waiting out the storm and will not truly change.
It's still incredibly new for you, sweetie...take it easy. I think he's pissed because he doesn't know how to make it better. His guilt is finally setting in.
It took my H a while to get it right...Anger and defensiveness was reserved for ME, NOT HIM.
1Faith always has such great advice! YEs, IC/MC sooooooo important. I just didn't think about doing it untill I felt I could function again...I totally feel your pain. If it weren't for IC/MC, H and I would not be together this very day working on R.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 11:05 AM, June 14th (Friday)]