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TT- 6 weeks from the first lie

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confused71 posted 6/14/2013 07:27 AM

Not sure if I still qualify for this forum as WS told me the first "little" lie 6 weeks ago. Some of you refer to TT and that seems to be what I've experienced. I kicked him out 3 days later as I started to dig through our accounts and in his work emails and caught him in one lie after another. I didn't even know he had cheated yet, but I was just so angry and confused about the lies I needed him out of our home. 5 weeks ago I discovered his 15 month EA/PA with the first of many OWs, and she lives in a different country from us. He flew her around to see him on business trips, Skyped her regularly, bought her flowers on valentine's day (didn't get me any), and made a side trip to visit her in Mexico on his last business trip. She's married with children, very Catholic, etc..... I discovered the very first emails between them (he actively pursued her) and the final week of emails between them before I actually discovered the affair via his secret email account. Disgusting stuff, not sexually explicit but emotionally damaging (ie. what lies to tell me to protect themselves, wanting her to come visit him in his new place after I kicked him out, saying I don't appreciate him and I emotionally left him a long time ago, he's not ashamed of anything he's done...).

So, the day after I found about the affair I searched online and found his secret email account linked to many escort reviews online. They all corresponded with his business trips over the past 5 years (dates and locations matched up). Didn't confront him yet as he was travelling. 4 weeks ago our maid/nanny told us that he had made sexual advances towards her when she first came to work for us. She refused and told him she would tell me if he ever did it again. WS even gave her a dress code (no tank tops, cannot reveal her chest/back, no boots?) that he said was imposed by me. She also found used condoms in our bedroom trashcan and on his sidetable when I was pregnant and away on business.

Anyway, 3 weeks ago, after MUCH persuasion and threats of divorce if he didn't tell me the truth, WS finally admitted to writing and posting erotica online, joining dating websites, seeing escorts (females and one transsexual) on business trips, ongoing affairs with prostitutes in the country where we live, and one-time visits with prostitutes who came to our home and who he had sex with in our bed. Vomit. Still won't admit he made advances towards our nanny, though. I know I don't have all of the dirt as I pressed him hard for the things he admitted to, but not sure how much more I really need/want to know.

We have two young children (ages 2 and 4), I work full-time, and I have a good job. I don't have to stay married to this man, but he says (now) that he wants to get help and find out what's wrong with him. His IC told him he scored too low on the SA assessments, so it's not that?? I suspect a personality disorder as he has never shown much emotion, doesn't show much empathy or compassion for others (doesn't like children, animals, etc.), and simply doesn't seem to grasp the magnitude of his actions and that they would cause me any pain. It's all about how this is going to affect him and his world. His initial response during the first week of lying was to blame me, and then after I discovered the affair he shifted to "I love you", "I can't live with you", and "I want our family to stay together". Nothing about me - all about HIM. Very few apologies at first (and those I prompted!), but now is apologizing more regularly. Wants MC but there is no way in hell I'm going to sit and chat about communication problems at this point. We are still separated, told him I want him to get a psychological assessment and see an IC, and then I will decide whether or not I want to see an MC. In my heart, I know I cannot stay married to this man, but I feel torn because of our children.

To further complicate matters, we both live and work overseas, our therapy options here are limited, and my husband and I are of different nationalities so neither of us plan to stay in this country long-term. I am not planning to leave my current job, as it is my primary source of stability right now but will not stay here indefinitely just so my kids will have easy access to their father. Although my WS has not been a very involved parent and he never wanted children (he has continuously reminded me of this throughout our marriage, although he agreed to have both children), he has improved his interactions with the kids during his daily visitations over the past month. It makes me sad when I think about my boys rarely seeing their father once I leave this country for good.

Anyway, I'm just introducing myself here although I noticed the forums on SA and multiple affairs which is maybe where I should be posting. While I think he has an SA (which would make me feel more willing to stay as at least there would be a treatment plan and resources available), he and his IC don't seem to think it is an SA. It just seems the alternative (eg. personality disorder, psychological disorder, being an immensely selfish person without a conscience) would be worse than a SA.

This is my second marriage to an emotionally unavailable man, my IC has said I'm a codependent, I'm nearing 40, and I just don't want to start all over again. My support system is strong (great family, ILs, and friends) and I know I can do this all alone, but do I really want to? Does the decision to stay or leave get easier with time? Can you ever learn to trust again after this type of betrayal? Some of you say you still love your WS, but how do you know that when there are so many conflicting feelings swirling about? I'm so angry and hurt still that maybe I'm just not seeing straight right now.

ineedtoleave posted 6/14/2013 08:38 AM

What an awful story! I just want to tell you something that might help you.... Imagine your life if you stay with him. Wouldn't there be constant question mark regarding his actions/intentions? What he does when away from you? That would be the life you would lead. Do you really want that? This is just my opinion.

1Faith posted 6/14/2013 10:49 AM

It is all relatively new for you so my recommendation is to take some time to wrap your head around all of this. It is a lot to absorb.

You don't have to make any decisions right now on staying or going.

IC is essential for you both, IMO. You need to express all you are feeling as well.

Hang in there and know we are all rooting for you.


newnormal posted 6/17/2013 22:10 PM

TT is what kills the marriage. Grrrr.

Ditto to what ineedtoleave said. Would you stay together if you didn't have kids?

Give yourself at least 6 months to think through the pros and cons. What are your dealbreakers? If he isn't putting forth strong effort to fix his boundaries and repair your M, it just isn't going to work. If that ends up being the case, cut your losses and run.

Welcome to the best Club you never wanted to join

confused71 posted 6/23/2013 03:24 AM

newnormal - You're right about the TT being the thing that kills the marriage. Of all of the awful things he has done, those first few weeks of unnecessary lies, "small" lies to cover up the big lies, half-truths, etc. is what really hurts the most. Actually, it took me one full week of catching him in the smaller lies before I found any hard evidence of the most recent A. By that point, though, he had already lost me. The crux of my pain was in the discovery that I was married to a stranger and in the realization that he could look me in the eye and lie to me over and over again. How can a relationship ever become healthy after that?

And to answer your question, I would have already started divorce proceedings if we didn't have children.

[This message edited by confused71 at 3:27 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

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