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Trying to work through this "out loud" and it's a week until my next IC appt.

My 40th birthday is coming up. I think it was last year that I realized why I hate my b-day.

MrH told me he was in love with my friend, xO1, less than a week before my 26th birthday. I can remember so many details about the time after that, but nothing about my birthday. When I talked to MrH about it this morning, he said he knew we must have celebrated my b-day. I knew we didn't or I would remember. He was still trying to "decide" between xOw1 and me.

We buried the A. So much I lived with the lie that it was an EA for nearly a decade despite my gut telling me otherwise.

By the antiversary I was 8 mos pregnant with our first child. I was triggering- but didn't know what to call it. I couldn't talk with MrH because he stood by what our then pastor had told us- forgiving meant I wouldn't bring it up again. This actually began a clinical depression I couldn't define the root of, I was so adept at rugsweeping and being obedient.

I remember crying on my birthday, worried I wouldn't be able to love my son.

I think that first year was when it started. Somewhere along the line I hated my birthday. Then I hated being born because of the unlovable message in my FOO, then in my M and eventually with my "friend". It eventually became hating myself. I could never define why, I just felt it had always been there. Yet I can remember other birthdays before that first d-day and I had fun. I didn't mind celebrating. Getting gifts, going out with friends.

Recently some of my newer friends were surprised to learn my birthday is so soon. Why don't I have it on FB they asked? They'd love the reminder. I told them honestly that it's because I hate when people who don't ever interact with me through the year put those Happy Birthday messages on my wall. The past few years I deactivate my account a day or so before until a day or so after. Nobody notices.

It's deeper than that though and this is the year I face it. I'll talk with my IC this week and with MrH and our MC. I'll cry about wasting my youth on someone who was so broken but hid it so well. I thought he was strong and could help me fix my FOO brokeness, instead he caused more. I'll cry about trying to do the right things for everyone around me at my own expense and then I'll try to figure out WHAT my dreams are then how to follow them.

And I will keep encouraging people who find a need to join SI- never rugsweep. If your spouse wants to, don't. Even if it means moving on without them and facing it on your own.

(((((Holly-Isis)))))

(((Holly-Isis)))

I hope you have a wonderful 40th Birthday!

I just turned 40 too recently A new decade for us, lets make it an empowering one

I had a B-Day ruined by my WH. It was a party he threw for me too. I ended up catching him grinding and grouping the behind of his co-worker that night. He blamed it on the alcohol so I understand the B-day being a trigger in itself. What I did this year was have a great time with my friends (they threw the party for me) and my WH joined us, along with their significant others. I didn't focus one minute on WH. It was my night, my party, my B-Day, and I did things my way and it was perfect. I hope yours is too

Happy Birthday. It's time to celebrate you!

(((Holly)))) Happy birthday.

Happy Holly Birthday to a Lovely Lady!

Good post about the unexpected consequences of rug-sweeping. It's rather horrifying how it cascades, isn't it?

Thanks everyone.

Yesterday was the antiversary of MrH telling me he loved my friend. Rugswept for 14 years. I forgot it was the day until I was talking to a fellow BW about my birthday and why I don't share the date. Funny, I don't mind telling people my age, just the day. I realized it was antiversary- yay

Today I worked with my IC on separating out those feelings. Who I am instead of what these years have put on me. Mourning what happened and remembering years I actually enjoyed my birthday...

I don't think I'll get there by this year since my birthday is next week, but we've started the process.

I lost it when I saw the compassion in her eyes when I said I had learned to hate being born and then to hate myself. She told me she feels privileged to spend time talking to me. I think the world of her and know she's not a liar...but still have a hard time integrating that into my definition of self.

Would it be OK if I wish you a Happy 10,000 posts here, Holly-Isis? Congratulations for 10,000 wonderful posts in a community where you are cherished and supported.

I am so sorry that your H put so much pain and sorrow on what should be your day. Did he acknowledge what yesterday was? Did he acknowledge the pain he caused you by cheating, by stepping out, by breaking your heart by telling you he loved a woman he should never have given a second thought to? (((hugs))) I am so sorry that he caused such painful memories to have a place in your life.

Love you Holly! Happy birthday!!!

Take your Bday back and own that sucker. One of the awesome things about being 40 is your old enough to not care what anyone else thinks and youre young enough to look fantastic doing it.

Really it's just a date on the calendar. So if that bothers you so much change your birthday. I know what it's like having a birthday associated with something horrible (9/11). Since then I celebrate it on Labor Day weekend. I own that date now. Cool thing is I never have to work on my bday. You could do the same with the 4th of July! All that celebrating bar ba que and fireworks are for you. The rest of the world I lucky to know you!

I hope you have a super wonderful awesome Bday.

Happy Birthday...I found out about my WW first affair on my 40th birthday...41 is coming up and I am scared about that

happy birthday holly, I have always - ALWAYS - appreciated your advice. And I'm so sorry for the path that you've needed to take to be able to give that advice

We all want only the BEST for you.

YOU DESERVE IT.

((((Holly-Isis))))

Silver- I hadn't even noticed I reached 10,000 posts! Thanks

MrH probably doesn't know what date the d-days are. This one was from '99 and I only know because near the first antiversary (and 8mos pregnant) I wrote him a note that mentioned it. I found that note sometime after 2d-day. We did talk today and he did emphasize how much he loves me, how much time he has wasted and how I deserve more than I have had this past 20 yrs. He doesn't want me to spend the next 20 sad...and I had to point out to him that I needed to talk as much as I needed. I can't be stifled anymore if he wants to repair this.

Tushnurse- It's more of what me being born even came to mean than the date. It came to mean a regret for my existence. I would remember the people who were happy to leave me behind. Family, friends...those I loved and believe that it meant I should never have existed. That's the part we're working on in IC.

Cletus- come here and post when the time comes, we'll be there for you. Maybe TN's suggestion of picking a new date to celebrate would help.

DMW- thank you so much.

Thank you all. It means the world to me as I have been facing this. Today is my last day as 39. I don't really care about the number, just where I am mentally, physically and spiritually. I hope I'm getting healthier in all three. I did cry more than I have in awhile in the past few days, especially when my family talks about celebrating me. It confuses the kids- to them, birthdays mean your special day because you're special.

MrH finally told them I had some problems with my birthday and memories. They get that, I've spoken honestly about my healing process from the abuse and neglect in my childhood.

So, tomorrow I will be 40 and it will only be 24hours that I have to face it being my birthday. Less if you don't count sleep. I just covet your prayers nothing pops up to tip me over the edge. That my crazy-I'm-NC-with-nutter-butter family members don't try to pop up and spread their crazy around.

((H I)). Happy Birthday. I understand what youre saying. Just gotta remember our worth.

Also I read somewhere nobody can love us til we love ourselves first.

Im glad youre here. By here I dont mean SI. You are truely valued

Happy 40th Birthday Holly-Isis!

No matter what has happened in the past, I hope you can remember that YOU ARE SPECIAL!

You may not think so right now but you are working towards that and I commend you for it!

I also want to thank you for all your posts here on SI. I respect your responses.

Finally, thank you for this post on why you shouldn't rugsweep. This is something that I have done for so long with my feelings. I feel things slipping back into that old pattern but I know I cannot let that happen. Your post reinforced that for me.

So, Happy Birthday to you Holly-Isis! This year is a new start for loving yourself and what better year to do it than on your 40th.

Happy Birthday!

You have always been one of my favorite posters. I'd wager that there are many others who look up to you too-but perhaps, like me, never have said so.