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Newest Member: new2this2 (45757)

User Topic: Infatuated vs Love
brokenandconfuse
♀ 39381
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night for the first time, I saw what appeared to be some remorse (since he knew that I am filing for D today). He kept saying that he was sorry and I told him that sorry isn't good enough for me-he needs to say I am sorry for...
Within this was an I am sorry for having an affair and sex with another woman while you were pregnant and when our son was born and after and that instead of being an attentive husband and father for being distracted and infatuated with another woman. He actually was reciting much of what I was telling him, but it did start hitting home with him. I think it was the first time that he admitted (even under pressure) how he hurt me. I mean who has an affair because their wife quit being their drinking buddy when they go pregnant and couldn't have sex after having a c-section

Regardless, I said "how could you be in love with another woman, while your first born son was born?". He told me that before we had gotten married he had asked this woman out on dates and she always told him no and he was infatuated with her, but never in love with her-he always loved me

I told him that I was always infatuated with him-the man that I married and loved...so what is the difference?

So...what is the difference? For 14 years I have been infatuated and in love with my husband.

He said "I don't know how you can just shut love off like that, you are the strongest woman I know. Dig deep and find a way to fight for us instead of against us"


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Bobbi_sue
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You say you were infatuated and in love with your H. That is something I rarely hear on this forum. I feel most downplay infatuation as something inferior to "true love" rather than what you described.

My relationship with my H started as infatuation and that involves romantic memories of the initial euphoria we experienced. I would not trade those memories for anything.

Not all infatuation leads to lasting love but sometimes it does. I think the word may translate to passion after the initial extreme high wears off. Relationships that develop into enduring love, but also have passion are the best relationships, IMO. It sounds like you had passion for him, but he decided to hang on to memories of the infatuation of his former lover.

I have no advice for you, but if you are not convinced he can feel the same passion or infatuation for you, that he did for the former gf, then I would not take him back. Love and appreciation that you are a "strong woman" is not enough if they make it sound boring compared to what they had with OW.


Posts: 5777 | Registered: Apr 2006
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

who has an affair because their wife quit being their drinking buddy

MY HUSBAND!! Twice. With both pregnancies. Actually, he never stopped.

Omg, you two sound like us!! We've been together 13 years. He says he always loved me and I'm strong too. I, too also wondered how the fuck could he love me????

Well, with weekly IC/MC, we are uncovering all the whys. Our MC's are great. One week he has has own session, then I have my own, and the following all four of us meet. It's truly working wonders for us.

But, back to the pain in your heart and head. I've been here for 7 months now.

SI vets here help break it down...so, with my H, he has this black hole addiction that he needs to fill. Mostly with alcohol, the OW were by products.

He was living in a fantasy, an escape from the reality of having a family and having to become a MAN, finally. He tells me himself, he didn't know how to do this. The infatuation they had with those OW was not love, IMO. It was a way to feel validated and have their egos stroked, because the good Lord knows WE couldn't do that for them. We were too busy taking care of our little ones and waiting to walk normal again after giving birth.

In the end, they ran from their responsibilities and did selfish things to fill the inner voids and struggles they have with THEMSELVES.

It had absolutely nothing to do with us.

I can see your a newbie, sweetie...keep posting and reading.

I too, asked that very question over and over in my mind, on here, to our MC, to him, etc. It can drive you crazy.

I still do the same, I love him and hate him in the same day. Of course, he "hurt" me. That's what I learned to tell him in therapy.

Fighting for the "us" is not easy, but if you have the love, drive, patience then you will make it together...

Good luck, brokenandconfused.
Big hug to you.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
brokenandconfuse
♀ 39381
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have done a lot more thinking about this. I don't think that I was ever really infatuated with him. It was more like a best friend turned to love, I don't think that I had an infatuation stage. I married by best friend, who as it turned out was a terrible friend.


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Jennifer99
♀ 39551
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here. I'm not sure why of all the things I've read here this one thread seems to be helping me the most.

I think it is because when he told me last year he was in love with her and I wanted to think he was infatuated I now see I think I should have believed him.

We were infatuated with each other once. I know I loved him. But I don't think he ever loved me.

He never put anything at risk for me.

He's put a lot at risk for her and she's shot him down consistently. (or so he says)

I'm now thinking I should believe him.

Note for therapy Monday


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
RyeBread
♂ 37437
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


To me infatuation means you are in a sense "obsessed" with someone. You have a lofty ideal of what they are. Basically you put that person on a pedastal.

Love requires action and wanting whats best for that other person. Love is knowing all there is to know about someone, good and bad, and still respecting and cherishing them.

Love requires something from us. Infatuation doesn't.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
NewMom0220
♀ 39036
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"how could you be in love with another woman, while your first born son was born?"

Me too! Except he has never admitted that he had any feelings for the OW. Said he just said whatever and pulled stuff out of his ass. I just find it hard to believe you don't have feelings if you are calling/texting her while I'm in the hospital giving birth to our first born son. Even though the thoughts have creeped in my head and devastated me from time to time, I know that this wasn't about me or the OW, it was just as libertyrocks said:

In the end, they ran from their responsibilities and did selfish things to fill the inner voids and struggles they have with THEMSELVES.

He also says he is sorry but can't ever bring himself to say exactly what he is sorry for. He has said he is overcome with shame and guilt, but as we all know shame and guilt do not equal remorse.

I just wanted to say that I CAN RELATE to both you and LibertyRocks. It's so sad when there are kids involved. Our little boy will be 4 months in a few days and hasn't ever really lived with both of us under the same roof.

I keep trying to shut down contact but the baby keeps us tied together and next thing you know I'm thinking crazy things in my brain...like maybe he can change. Maybe he will get help.

Reading your post is like looking into the future. I don't even think filing for D (which feels like the direction I'm going) would shake him into sense. Every time I shut things down he gives a little more, but doesn't want to do the work.

It's really sad when you realize that the A is not the deal breaker for you (not that anyone wants their partner to have an A), but the unremorseful shitty behavior afterward is the nail in the coffin.


Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 378 | Registered: Apr 2013
ifinallyfoundme
♀ 39523
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You WH was in full blown lust with the OW. These situations are heightened by the taboo aspect and the hormones that are released during touch,sex etc. These encounters actually change an individual's emotions even though intellectually they understand the devastation. Lust last anywhere from 9 months -2 years.
it's almost like drug addiction.

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
FightingBack
♀ 34770
Member # 34770
Happy  Posted: 4:07 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel so sad to read this thread when I see that many of the posters are young mothers in their thirties.

You may feel that you are not "young" anymore, but trust me, you most certainly are.

How I wish I had found out about my H's affair when it first began. I was 37 years old and had four young kids.

It's hard to say what I would have done then. Raising a young family on my own would have been challenging, but I think I would have tried.

My advice girls, is cut your losses and run. If your husbands do not consider you or their babies at this stage in the game, I don't think there is much hope for them.

You all deserve SO MUCH BETTER. I deserve so much better!! But I'm hanging in for the meantime while it suits me.

You have your lives ahead of you. And we only get one turn. Don't accept anything less than what you deserve, or what your kids deserve.

Dump those losers and begin living.
And I wish I could give you all a hug.

[This message edited by FightingBack at 4:08 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 809 | Registered: Feb 2012
Jennifer99
♀ 39551
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NewMom,

I don't know how you make your posts have those quotes of other people's posts in it but this one from you:

It's really sad when you realize that the A is not the deal breaker for you (not that anyone wants their partner to have an A), but the unremorseful shitty behavior afterward is the nail in the coffin.

EXACTLY


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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