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Darksideofme posted 6/14/2013 11:02 AM

So its been a few weeks since I posted last. Ive started talking to a councilor. I had started to feel like this was really something my BS and I could get through...

After lasts nights talk I feel so stupid for thinking anything could really be as good as i thought they were going...

Ive really started to feel our bond again. Ive been feeling so much love that I thought was gone and kind of though he may have though things could be better too. I thought I was giving him the positive reinforcement he needs.

Well he's been in a staying in a different city in order to finish some of his work. Ive been texting him different messages everyday. How much i love him, how much i miss him. Things i think about. I get a smiley face or small responses.

We've also talked on the phone a little each day. Last night i was looking forward to talking to him and telling him about my day. Only to end up arguing.

He tries to explain how he feels but the way he does it and how he says things just make me realize that nothing has changed at all for him.

His words are that he's sad everyday. He's a completely changed person. That nothing is special anymore. He asks why now. He tries to explain how this has affected him.

My feeling now is that though I'm trying hard to figure out why and started to feel better about things. That he has not & might not ever make any progress that could lead to the happy better relationship I've read that people can have.

Maybe I've been to optimistic. In the same instance i am trying to help myself. He says things to me that i cant help him with. Ive asked that he get help through forums like this or talk to a councilor.

From what i understand he doesn't think anyone can help. He sees no reason to reach out to people who could possibly understand.

Anyway, guess i need guidance. I know the things he needs to talk about i don't know how to answer yet. I want him to get help in order to have some kind of understanding and guidance like what I'm learning and getting.

Im starting to wonder if all this effort I'm giving will be any good. Im starting to wonder if i should let him go. Im starting to think that this mistake is to much to bare for either of us...

1Faith posted 6/14/2013 11:20 AM

DDay was fairly recent. Your husband is hurting and trying to process what has happened.

He is in shock and it sounds as if he is depressed.

If you want R to work you have to be patient. You have to be kind. You can't run when things aren't going well. He needs to know he can rely on you at some point.

R at this point is about him healing. You can't fast track his healing. You just can't.

Don't take a bad day/week/month as a sign this isn't going to work. He is just going through the process.

I was on the crazy train for over a year. One day I was fully committed the next day I wanted out. All these thoughts are emotional driven and come from the fear and hurt of the affair.

I am including the timeline for healing because you have to realize it takes TIME.

Be there. Stand by him and just continue to say you are sorry you hurt him, reassure him you will never do this again and they take your direction from him.

Good timeline I found on another site...Hope this helps..

Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm.

Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.

D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself. The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

longroadhome posted 6/14/2013 12:06 PM

His words are that he's sad everyday. He's a completely changed person. That nothing is special anymore.

Believe him. It's how he's feeling now. I've heard the same thing at over two years out. It took he that long to believe it. Don't resist believing what he's telling you about his he's feeling. It will only get in the way of recovery to be in denial about what your A did to him. That doesn't mean that healing isn't happening. That doesn't mean that there isn't a possible future for your M.

I love the idea of that timeline, but I think the timeframe is too short. Just know that when I take the times out I can see some of those milestones. Remember that 2-5 years is a general timeline for recovery, not a deadline. Your BS could take 1 1/2 years or he could take 10. There are no checklists for him to work with. He may seem completely healed at three years only to trigger a month later.

I wish you both the best.

Pudding posted 6/14/2013 12:10 PM

BS here.

Keep loving him and showing him that you love him through all his pain. Stand by him and support him when he is angry and raving and nothing makes sense.

Have you read How to Help Your spouse Heal from your Affair? Its short and to the point nd has really helped my husband help me.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 6/14/2013 13:29 PM

Im starting to wonder if all this effort I'm giving will be any good. Im starting to wonder if i should let him go. Im starting to think that this mistake is to much to bare for either of us

No.

No.

No.

One of the most important things he can see from you right now is commitment to him and to the marriage. One of the things that my wife said (and showed) was "I am here. I am here with you. I will not give up. I will not leave. I will be here as long as you will let me."

His words are that he's sad everyday. He's a completely changed person. That nothing is special anymore.

He is. It's terrible. And he can't do anything about it. It is a hell that he can't escape. And he doesn't understand why you put him there.

Time helps. Consistent action helps. And eventually he will have to help himself. But he isn't there yet, and won't be for a while. Start by showing him that you are safe. That you are making changes to ensure that you are safe.

Just my opinion.

Darksideofme posted 6/14/2013 14:31 PM

Thank you everyone for your advice and help.

I just feel so useless to his healing. Im not trying to rush him but I do think talking with a counciler or other BS's would help.

I often get frustrated because i dont know how to be helpful to him. I feel like he would be so much better with out me alot of the time.

Its good to know that everything we're going through is normal. I notice i often wait for the bad days to come, to try and be prepared to really try to be some use to him and i just feel i fail all together. I dont want to let him down and feel like i do everytime.

I do believe what he tells me as far as his feelings. I know how much he hurts because I can see it in his eyes and his actions.

I just really wish I was more help...

There for i often feel lost, for me i have a very hard time with feeling im not any help.

Thanks for all the advice it helps me put things into perspective. Thank you!!