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Dealing with Annv

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spldbrt614 posted 6/14/2013 11:55 AM

Today would have been our 33rd annv. In March of 2012 I found out he had been having a 7 year(according to him) 13 year(according to her) A. I mean 7, 13 WTF difference does it make? He is saying that it was the worst mistake of his life (no shit) and really wants to R. He is leaving me notes everyday and telling me he is sorry and that he adores me. I have gone from, according to our MC acting like the one that had the affair and it was my job to fix it - to I hate him one minute - love him the next - want a divorce one minute and a R the next. I have gone from being so hurt that I actually considered suicide to being so angry that I feel like I am going to explode and yet the hurt is still very much a constant. How have you all dealt with annv?

Razor posted 6/14/2013 12:07 PM

First. His LTA was not a mistake. A mistake is something you do once. Could be an error in judgement. Or forgetfulness. A mistake is not something you do and KEEP DOING for 7 (or 13) years.

About the anniversary. My view is that my M ended when WW jumped in the sack with OM. In my mind to celebrate an anniversary is to celebrate something that has been continuous over many years. My WWs LTA ended that. Now the *anniversary* celebrates nothing.

I struggle with anniversaries because there is this expectation that it should be celebrated. If someone died I would not celebrate that date. I might instead give some silence and thought to them and remember what I lost. Having a nice dinner and a party would be completely inappropriate in my view.

Recently we passed the 40 year mark of the date WW and I said our vows. WW wanted to have a party. I was absolutely against it but she did it anyway. She seems to have this attitude of *we had a bit of trouble there but we made it*. Maybe she made it but I sure did not. I told WW I would rather she not have this party but she did it anyway.

It was awkward. I just stayed away from as much of the action as I could and drank beer. Even though I have worked hard at not letting what WW does not bother me. I was still triggered by the whole thing. I hung out with the men and drank beer and tried to not think about what we were supposed to be celebrating.

avicarswife posted 6/14/2013 13:01 PM

Our last anniversary was 3 months after D-Day. We pretty much ignored it - although he got me a card.

At that point I had been married for 26 years. This August I will have been married for 27. I feel like he hasn't been married for the same length of time me. At some point he tuned out of our marriage and had his affairs.

I feel like a fraud when people make a comment on the length of our marriage.

I don't plan on "celebrating" the next anniversary. To be truthful I am not sure yet if we have a marriage to celebrate. Maybe we will spend the day just doing something low key - brunch and an outing.

Like you I oscillate in my emotions - although I don't love him like I used to - guess I am hoping that will return if we R.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 1:02 PM, June 14th (Friday)]

ineedtoleave posted 6/14/2013 14:10 PM

Our 8th anniversary was this past Tuesday. Yesterday morning, he looked at me and said "I forgot our anniversary!" I looked at him and said "Me too"... And you know what? Sad really, I wasn't mad 'cuz it doesn't mean much anymore.

heartache101 posted 6/14/2013 14:29 PM

spldbrt614

Honey you don't have to celebrate squat!! I like you have been married forever. 30 years for me this year.

So is he in counseling? Is he in contact with the AP?
Sounds to me like you are staying in the marriage for now.
Why don't you celebrate the day. June 14, 2013. Not the day you got married. I mean hey you put up with him for all thos years you need to celebrate. Go get a message. Then go buy yourself a beautiful outfit an go out to eat. If he doesn't want to go out then go out yourself! Keep it low key..

Make it YOUR day!

spldbrt614 posted 6/14/2013 15:15 PM

We are in MC. We were in MC when I found out about the A. I am staying for right now because my MC told me that until I know what I want to do - do nothing. He is not in contact with POSOW. Maybe I will go to dinner but not as a celebration of anything but getting out of the house!!!!

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