I have compassion for him. He is already in ic...but i cant help but wonder if his addictions and infedelities are linked??
I want to be sure not to blameshift, rug sweep or make excuses for his unacceptable behavior.
Thought? Not sure what to make of this news????
Yes, I will agree that it certainly plays a part, but it is not the reason why someone cheats. They don't cheat because they were molested. They may cheat because of the shame they carried that made them feel not good enough to be in a relationship, or they may cheat because they felt they were just a sexual object and they were supposed to perform whenever anyone approached them, or many other reasons RELATED to being molested, but not simply because they were molested.
I hope that makes sense.
It's good that H told you, this can help you two be so much closer and have less secrets between the two of you.
I too learned this about my H after Dday. I have read a lot about it and both my H and I have dealt with it in IC and MC.
I have learned that, like anything else, boys can be damaged in different ways. Not everyone reacts the same. Of course the degree of abuse can vary. From what I understand age 7 and an uncle are both particularly difficult. And of course abuse can have life long effects that can be profound.
My H has learned that his abuse, which was by his mother's boyfriend from age 8-10, which his mother apparently ignored, caused him to have dismissive attachment, profound fear of control, fear of intimacy, the ability to compartmentalize, be selfish, have poor self esteem and made him withdraw when he sensed criticism.
If you were to make a list of wayward requirements you could not do better!
So yes, I believe the CSA had a lot to do with the infidelity. We talk about WSs being broken, and nothing breaks a person quite so effectively.
That can help explain why but it still is no excuse. There is that much more work to do to heal. I do find that it helped me feel some compassion, however.
Good luck to you both.
he is seeing his ic for his foo issues. i can clearly see that he has a lot of issues that have nothing to do with me.
just wish he didnt cheat, you know?
Please watch this video on what sexual abuse has to do with addiction and infidelity:
Has he told his C? It may affect his treatment.
I recommend reading The Sexual Healing Jouney by Wendy Maltz. It is comforting to know that other CSA survivors have had similar life experiences and thoughts.
Abuse during our formative years re-wires our brain, and while we all cope in different ways: addiction and sexual deviancy are common.
This needs repeating. Not EVERYONE will react in the same ways. Just like not everyone who experiences anything in life will take away the same lessons. But it is very very common for sexual abuse to be related to self harm in any number of ways.
He was unfaithful to his ex-wife all through his marriage with prostitutes and OW (around 4-6 that I am aware of, one that he kept going back to over a period of about 12 years) and then used prostitutes during a period of our relationship.
After I found out (he pocket dialled me while he was fucking a prostitute...nice) my world imploded. But so did his. He went through a very painful period of finally facing up to the abuse and the effect that it had had on him all his adult life. We both did a lot of research and he had a ton of counselling.
Yes, he had options and choices, but when something as horrendous as that happens at such a young and tender age, of course it will have ramifications.
After a lot of soul searching, I decided to support my SO as he went through the initial process of working this out, and during that time we put our relationship on hold.
That was last October, and now I see a changed man before me. Every single facet of his life is different. His relationship with me, with his workplace, his ex-wife, his kids, my kids - but more importantly HIMSELF.
He grew up believing and knowing in his heart that he was dirty and wicked and not worth protecting or loving. Now he loves himself, values himself and is not afraid to fight for what he wants. One of this "things" is a loving and healthy relationship with me. I too have had to face some demons, and have had to have the strength to see hiim through this, while at the same time valuing what I need, and keeping myself safe.
We now have an extraordinarily close and loving relationship. We have both worked very, very hard on it, and there is no way I would have reconciled with him had he not worked hard. At this point, I can honestly and truthfully say I am glad it happened, glad it found out. I would never have had this wonderful man that I could always see beneath the grief had I not.
He grew up believing and knowing in his heart that he was dirty and wicked and not worth protecting or loving. Now he loves himself, values himself and is not afraid to fight for what he wants
You say he transformed in about 6 months? That gives me great hope, thanks again.
TIKYa: Yes, but I hope nobody would interpret your post, or mine, as saying every CSA victim is predestined to cheat. I'm sorry you went through that as a little kid.
[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 8:55 AM, June 17th (Monday)]
My wife told me years ago, but I (in my ignorance) didn't think it really hurt her much. She told me there was some molestation but that was it. Didn't give me details of much. It hurt in my heart but she was a "normal" woman. Still, didn't want to have much sex at all, me thinking all women are like this.
YES, there is a CONNECTION!!! Not all molested children grow up to be WS, but the link IS there. CONTROL is the word. Sexual deviation. She views men in a VERY non-healthy way. Her OM was safe, she controlled and the only way she knew how to express her attraction to him was sexual. She wanted to keep it non-emotional and a secret. It backfired.
She hid the molestation for years, till this day. I am the only one that knows (other than IC). She grew up compartmentalizing in order to deal with it, grew up with a hidden shame, guilt, dirtiness, unworthiness, self loathing, with a hidden depression. These are all part of the downward fall if never dealt with.
Now she has to deal with what she did, the destruction of our home by HER doing. The destruction of the OM's home, the shame, the guilt, the self loathing while the past comes busted open from its hidden compartment in her brain.
caused him to have dismissive attachment, profound fear of control, fear of intimacy, the ability to compartmentalize, be selfish, have poor self esteem and made him withdraw when he sensed criticism.
As quoted above from a previous poster, this is what she is now. Making our R very very hard. To the point where she feels nothing, is selfish and wants to separate so she can be alone. In her head she sees me as a fuck buddy or some f'd up shit like that. Needless to say, what a monster did to my wife, f'd my wife up and me now. Our children hurt too. :(
In lots of prayer.
[This message edited by 2married2quit at 9:22 AM, June 17th (Monday)]
I wouldn't say that his transformation happened in six months. He ended his marriage of 23 years over four years ago, and that precipitated some changes, but he never faced the true cause of his issues. I knew of his infidelity while married, and like the innocent that I was assumed that our great and special luurve would mean that had ended.
in the last four years he has dealt with things on the surface, so I guess the groundwork was done. He knew things intelectually, but never really authenticated or demonstrated what he had learned. It was like "yes, I know this is what I should be doing and feeling, but I am choosing not to".
It wasnt until that horrible, horrible night when I heard what I did and he saw my grief and pain, and what he had lost that he was slapped to his senses.
The night he told me about the extent of the abuse was so sad and heart wrenching. From that night on he has worked so hard on making his world okay. In terms of our reconcilation, he has never EVER made excuses for his actions. He has been completely open with his phone, computer, he sends me copies of agendas and details of meetings and business trips, photos of people he is with with date stamps. He answers my questions over and over with total patience. So there is no way he gets a leave pass just because he was abused as a boy. As someone else here said, abuse does not always lead to infidelity. It was his choice to behave that way, but after doing it since he was 13 years old (having sex with his sister's friend at the same time as having a girlfriend) its very very hard to change those responses.
The only other thing I would add is that while my pain has been expressed and not shut down at all, I have never judged him or spoken disrespectfully to him. When I have been angry, I have just been angry. I have expressed my feelings without having to insult or denigrate him. We set some rules down for communication very early on so that we could manage our way through this. The secret to all this is that we were both fullly and wholly committed to reconciliation between and of ourselves.
I do hope that you and your partner are able to work through this. I am so sorry for your pain, and the pain that your husband experienced as a boy.
i have compassion for him...but i still do hurt terribly by what he has done.
and i do also wonder if that makes my journey to healing different? it all hurts.