SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

The Power of Shocking Your WS

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Skan posted 6/14/2013 14:59 PM

Hey there. Just wanted to share this with all of you, who are in such early, agonizing days. Itís just been over a year from DDay for me. I am firmly in the R forum, but I hang out here too, to try to be here to help payback some of the fantastic help I got when I was skin-flayed raw. For my back story, see my profile.

Hereís a little story that just took place this morning while FWH and I were driving in so I could drop him off at work. Setup, we are going on a date night tonight, I am off work today, so we drove in together so I could drop him off and then pick him up tonight so we had one car and could go directly to dinner.

As we were driving, I had a couple of questions that I wanted to have answers, so I asked FWH if he minded if we talked. Of course not, he said.

I said, I understand that you said that you were actually relived in a way, when I confronted you on DDay, because you realized that you would kept on going down the road you were walking until I found out or we were divorced. Yes, he said. But, I asked, are you sorry that you told me things that I didnít find out by going through your computer? I didnít have any idea that you actually had an ONS. Are you sorry that you told me then and there? Do you regret that you didnít try to hide that from me, since I didnít have proof?

This is the part where I want you to really pay attention.

No, he said. I donít regret it at all. Even though I knew in the back of my mind that you might find out, that it would hurt you, and that what I was doing wasnít OK with you, I pushed that knowledge away and hid from it. I was so desperate to make myself feel better, that I just didnít allow myself to think about what I was doing and how it would impact you. When you confronted me, the way you confronted me, it shocked me so badly that I instantly knew that if I had any chance of staying married to you, I had to come clean. I had to tell you everything, right then and there. If I didnít, I knew that you would leave me. I knew that what I had to tell you would hurt you badly, and even then, I underestimated how bad I had hurt you, but I knew if we were ever going to have another chance to save our marriage, that I had to tell you then and there. I was so shocked that this thought was crystal clear in my head. TELL HER. You know sheíll find out sooner or later, so TELL HER NOW. The only choice I had was to tell you, or realize that I was going to get divorced. I donít regret telling you anything.

And then he apologized for hurting me and we talked a bit more about our timeline. But the point I want to make to you is that if you want to get through to your WS in the quickest way possible, you need to try to plan so that when you confront, you leave them no place to turn. Truth or out they go. Even if they rage, storm, blameshift, try to weasel, you need to stand your ground for as long as it takes and either get the truth, or have them leave. Nice doesnít work. Loving them out of the fog doesnít work. Only strength works. Yes, they may leave. That might be the end, but, if that is the end, then it was going to end anyway and you have saved yourself months and possibly years of agony and anguish.

Be strong. Stand your ground. Let there be no doubt in your mind or theirs, that you WILL have the truth or they WILL leave. Essentially, throw a bucket of the ice water of reality in their face and keep throwing it until they get the picture.

And yes, we do have these conversations even at more than a year out. You will too, even if and especially if youíre in a healthy, loving, and supportive relationship with your WS. (((hugs)))

tooanalytical posted 6/14/2013 15:04 PM

2X that.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/14/2013 15:05 PM

Love this post. Thank you.

meplusfour posted 6/14/2013 15:11 PM

As of today, I am three months out from DDay. I am tentatively moving into R and still assessing the state of my M. Your post gives me hope that one day I will be where you are. My almost fWH (not quite ready to make him a fully fWH) came clean much like your fWH did and appears to be fully remorseful, regrets his actions, accepts responsibility and is working very hard to resolve his issues and our R. I had confronted him much like you, with no room to blameshift, play word games or minimize what he had done. Almost fWH tells me that although it was the worst day of his life, he finds relief and solace in the fact that he was able to confess what he had done and be honest with me.

Thank you for sharing. Hopefully, I will be able to join you one day in R forum.

TrustGone posted 6/14/2013 15:20 PM

I hope this helps a few new members to do it the right way the first time around. I didn't know about SI until after DDay#2 and did everything the wrong way. I thought it must have been me, why else would he cheat if he was happy with me. I thought I had done something wrong, even though I hadn't. DDay #2 I knew I had done nothing wrong and that he could no longer blame me. I had changed everything about myself that he said he was unhappy with and it didn't stop him from taking it underground for another year. I finally found out that it had nothing to do with me, but the brokeness inside himself. I also knew that I couldn't nice him back into the marriage and that we were not really in R.

I hope that all BS's read this and know what they need to do. It is probably too late for WS#2 and I to R as he just wants to rug sweep and TT his LTA as I didn't handle it the right way in the beginning. He just keeps saying the more I know, the more it will hurt me. He has no idea of the pain that this is still causing me as we can not talk without him getting defensive. Had I known then that I would still be living this hell 1.5yrs later, I would have went ahead with the D then and would be well on my way to a new beginning now without him. All the last 1.5yrs has shown me is how broken he really is and I know I can't fix him thanks to my SI friends. Thanks for sharing. (((HUGS)))

thrivingnow posted 6/14/2013 16:21 PM

Truth or out they go. Even if they rage, storm, blameshift, try to weasel, you need to stand your ground for as long as it takes and either get the truth, or have them leave. Nice doesnít work. Loving them out of the fog doesnít work. Only strength works. Yes, they may leave. That might be the end, but, if that is the end, then it was going to end anyway and you have saved yourself months and possibly years of agony and anguish.

Absolutely. Strength forces them to be as honest as they are going to ever be. If we are not strong, they will blameshift, lie, continue to cheat.

Only strength works. Yes, they may leave. That might be the end, but, if that is the end, then it was going to end anyway and you have saved yourself months and possibly years of agony and anguish.

The end is so much more peaceful when done from a position of strength.

Thanks for posting this.

pewpewpew posted 6/14/2013 21:12 PM

^^^^ YES.
Yes. Yes. Yes.

If you are not strong and forcible in what you want/need, most likely it will go underground.
Call them out. Expose us the only way to go.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/14/2013 22:08 PM

Bear with me because you will see at the end of my post....exactly why I am laughing.

Sultan and I were standing in the kitchen one day waiting for a child's bus to come. Now I had hard evidence of one of his A's, but he had openly confessed to a bunch of others that he didn't have to because there is no way in hell that I would have ever been able to confirm any of them. I mean the f'n guy had sex with some chick that he met on an elevator, FFS, how would I have ever found out about that???

Anyway. So we're standing in the kitchen and he says "I'm not sure that telling you all of those thing was the right thing to do." And I looked at him and waited because that statement could be 'taken' a whole bunch of ways, so I was waiting for him to elaborate. It's totally understandable that he would be completely bummed out that I knew his 'shit', right? Well, his next statement floored me....and ended up getting him *asked* to leave quite soon after.....

He followed up with this: "Because I know a bunch of guys that are doing shit that their wives don't know about. And they're HAPPY!!!"

Well thank you Sultan for TELLING me to my face that you don't see you *doing* these things as the problem. For TELLING me to my face that my *knowing* about it is the problem. And for letting me know that is my future with you...--> there's the door, you cheating, lying bastard.

Skan has given an example of how a *remorseful* spouse deals with this issue....and I have given you an opportunity to see how an unremorseful spouse deals with it. And yes, I am now divorcing him because Sultan DID continue on with his cheating and lying ways.....

stratus722 posted 6/15/2013 00:32 AM

They need tough love. They are already getting their egos stroked by ow who no they are cheaters and don't mind sharing. Let them no that you Don't share. I confronted my husband by texting the number I found numerous times on our phone bill. After I knew who the number belonged to I sent her a text to have my husbad call me. Of course he didn't so I sent him a text to get some clothes and get the f out. When he came over to talk and said he wanted me but he couldn't end it with her yet. I walked him to the door and told him you have 15 minutes to tell her and if u can't don't come back. I pushed him out the door and he he came back in time. He wanted to move back in but I kept him out for a month. He had to prove he was worthy. I told him about the type of husband I wanted and if he couldn't be that then I would find one that could. You have control so make ur demands. You know your not the pathetic desperate woman with no morals like ow. If that's what he wants push him out the door.

Skan posted 6/15/2013 10:28 AM

meplusfour, I look forward to the day that you'll be a regular member of the R forum! I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

gonnabe2016, I have to say, that just about every time you post, I'm shaking my head in disbelief of the things that come out of your almost XWH's mouth. Oy!

Here's another good tidbit. The reason that we had a date night last night was that yesterday was our one year anniversary of the first time we went to our MC. I have no desire to celebrate our wedding anniversary, so I asked FWH if there was another date that was special to us. He promptly said that he thought that June 14 was the date because that was the day that we started to build a new and improved marriage. Sigh, that melted my heart!

seekingtomorrow posted 6/15/2013 10:36 AM

I think this thread has given me some clarity over our two d-days. D-day one I called him on the phone, told him what I had found and to come home and explain himself, the drive home gave me time to calm down and go from red hot anger to conducive thought and gave him time to think up his explanation, down play the whole thing and justify it. d day 2 we were both in the house, there was no time to calm down my anger and no time to think about how to explain it to me,, we were just there, me angery and him cornered and that's when he opened up about it.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/15/2013 12:21 PM

I'm shaking my head in disbelief of the things that come out of your almost XWH's mouth. Oy!

Me too, Skan. Me too.
I asked FWH if there was another date that was special to us. He promptly said that he thought that June 14 was the date because that was the day that we started to build a new and improved marriage.

Awww! Good answer, MrSkan.

WakingFromADream posted 6/15/2013 12:45 PM

I asked FWH if there was another date that was special to us. He promptly said that he thought that June 14 was the date because that was the day that we started to build a new and improved marriage.

I agree, that's awesome. I wish I had a chance to come close to hearing a statement like this from WW but, alas, that is not to be.

painpaingoaway posted 6/15/2013 13:04 PM

Excellent post Skan, and something I wish all newbies could understand right off the bat.

Those that try to 'nice' them back, or 'nice' them into coming clean are doing themselves a grave disservice IMO.

Unfortunately, I had not yet found SI on Dday1, and I did this:

D-day one I called him on the phone, told him what I had found and to come home and explain himself, the drive home gave me time to calm down and go from red hot anger to conducive thought and gave him time to think up his explanation
Huge mistake.

Dday2, I had found SI, and I had summoned my anger, strength and courage, met with lawyers, moved out, worked the 180, and within a week, H was on his knees, literally, begging for a second chance.

My first rage attack on Dday 2 scared him so badly, that he later told me that he fessed up because he was afraid I would have a heart attack because he had never seen me so angry and crazed, lol.

Shock and awe people. Shock and awe is the only way.

Pippy posted 6/15/2013 14:57 PM

Excellent post Skan. Congratulations.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.