Hereís a little story that just took place this morning while FWH and I were driving in so I could drop him off at work. Setup, we are going on a date night tonight, I am off work today, so we drove in together so I could drop him off and then pick him up tonight so we had one car and could go directly to dinner.
As we were driving, I had a couple of questions that I wanted to have answers, so I asked FWH if he minded if we talked. Of course not, he said.
I said, I understand that you said that you were actually relived in a way, when I confronted you on DDay, because you realized that you would kept on going down the road you were walking until I found out or we were divorced. Yes, he said. But, I asked, are you sorry that you told me things that I didnít find out by going through your computer? I didnít have any idea that you actually had an ONS. Are you sorry that you told me then and there? Do you regret that you didnít try to hide that from me, since I didnít have proof?
This is the part where I want you to really pay attention.
No, he said. I donít regret it at all. Even though I knew in the back of my mind that you might find out, that it would hurt you, and that what I was doing wasnít OK with you, I pushed that knowledge away and hid from it. I was so desperate to make myself feel better, that I just didnít allow myself to think about what I was doing and how it would impact you. When you confronted me, the way you confronted me, it shocked me so badly that I instantly knew that if I had any chance of staying married to you, I had to come clean. I had to tell you everything, right then and there. If I didnít, I knew that you would leave me. I knew that what I had to tell you would hurt you badly, and even then, I underestimated how bad I had hurt you, but I knew if we were ever going to have another chance to save our marriage, that I had to tell you then and there. I was so shocked that this thought was crystal clear in my head. TELL HER. You know sheíll find out sooner or later, so TELL HER NOW. The only choice I had was to tell you, or realize that I was going to get divorced. I donít regret telling you anything.
And then he apologized for hurting me and we talked a bit more about our timeline. But the point I want to make to you is that if you want to get through to your WS in the quickest way possible, you need to try to plan so that when you confront, you leave them no place to turn. Truth or out they go. Even if they rage, storm, blameshift, try to weasel, you need to stand your ground for as long as it takes and either get the truth, or have them leave. Nice doesnít work. Loving them out of the fog doesnít work. Only strength works. Yes, they may leave. That might be the end, but, if that is the end, then it was going to end anyway and you have saved yourself months and possibly years of agony and anguish.
Be strong. Stand your ground. Let there be no doubt in your mind or theirs, that you WILL have the truth or they WILL leave. Essentially, throw a bucket of the ice water of reality in their face and keep throwing it until they get the picture.
And yes, we do have these conversations even at more than a year out. You will too, even if and especially if youíre in a healthy, loving, and supportive relationship with your WS. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Thank you for sharing. Hopefully, I will be able to join you one day in R forum.
I hope that all BS's read this and know what they need to do. It is probably too late for WS#2 and I to R as he just wants to rug sweep and TT his LTA as I didn't handle it the right way in the beginning. He just keeps saying the more I know, the more it will hurt me. He has no idea of the pain that this is still causing me as we can not talk without him getting defensive. Had I known then that I would still be living this hell 1.5yrs later, I would have went ahead with the D then and would be well on my way to a new beginning now without him. All the last 1.5yrs has shown me is how broken he really is and I know I can't fix him thanks to my SI friends. Thanks for sharing. (((HUGS)))
Truth or out they go. Even if they rage, storm, blameshift, try to weasel, you need to stand your ground for as long as it takes and either get the truth, or have them leave. Nice doesnít work. Loving them out of the fog doesnít work. Only strength works. Yes, they may leave. That might be the end, but, if that is the end, then it was going to end anyway and you have saved yourself months and possibly years of agony and anguish.
Absolutely. Strength forces them to be as honest as they are going to ever be. If we are not strong, they will blameshift, lie, continue to cheat.
Only strength works. Yes, they may leave. That might be the end, but, if that is the end, then it was going to end anyway and you have saved yourself months and possibly years of agony and anguish.
The end is so much more peaceful when done from a position of strength.
Thanks for posting this.
If you are not strong and forcible in what you want/need, most likely it will go underground.
Call them out. Expose us the only way to go.
Bear with me because you will see at the end of my post....exactly why I am laughing.
Sultan and I were standing in the kitchen one day waiting for a child's bus to come. Now I had hard evidence of one of his A's, but he had openly confessed to a bunch of others that he didn't have to because there is no way in hell that I would have ever been able to confirm any of them. I mean the f'n guy had sex with some chick that he met on an elevator, FFS, how would I have ever found out about that???
Anyway. So we're standing in the kitchen and he says "I'm not sure that telling you all of those thing was the right thing to do." And I looked at him and waited because that statement could be 'taken' a whole bunch of ways, so I was waiting for him to elaborate. It's totally understandable that he would be completely bummed out that I knew his 'shit', right? Well, his next statement floored me....and ended up getting him *asked* to leave quite soon after.....
He followed up with this: "Because I know a bunch of guys that are doing shit that their wives don't know about. And they're HAPPY!!!"
Well thank you Sultan for TELLING me to my face that you don't see you *doing* these things as the problem. For TELLING me to my face that my *knowing* about it is the problem. And for letting me know that is my future with you...--> there's the door, you cheating, lying bastard.
Skan has given an example of how a *remorseful* spouse deals with this issue....and I have given you an opportunity to see how an unremorseful spouse deals with it. And yes, I am now divorcing him because Sultan DID continue on with his cheating and lying ways.....
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
gonnabe2016, I have to say, that just about every time you post, I'm shaking my head in disbelief of the things that come out of your almost XWH's mouth. Oy!
Here's another good tidbit. The reason that we had a date night last night was that yesterday was our one year anniversary of the first time we went to our MC. I have no desire to celebrate our wedding anniversary, so I asked FWH if there was another date that was special to us. He promptly said that he thought that June 14 was the date because that was the day that we started to build a new and improved marriage. Sigh, that melted my heart!
I'm shaking my head in disbelief of the things that come out of your almost XWH's mouth. Oy!
I asked FWH if there was another date that was special to us. He promptly said that he thought that June 14 was the date because that was the day that we started to build a new and improved marriage.
I agree, that's awesome. I wish I had a chance to come close to hearing a statement like this from WW but, alas, that is not to be.
Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.
Those that try to 'nice' them back, or 'nice' them into coming clean are doing themselves a grave disservice IMO.
Unfortunately, I had not yet found SI on Dday1, and I did this:
D-day one I called him on the phone, told him what I had found and to come home and explain himself, the drive home gave me time to calm down and go from red hot anger to conducive thought and gave him time to think up his explanation
Dday2, I had found SI, and I had summoned my anger, strength and courage, met with lawyers, moved out, worked the 180, and within a week, H was on his knees, literally, begging for a second chance.
My first rage attack on Dday 2 scared him so badly, that he later told me that he fessed up because he was afraid I would have a heart attack because he had never seen me so angry and crazed, lol.
Shock and awe people. Shock and awe is the only way.