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Newest Member: timeheals (61501)

User Topic: Hanging in there
♀ 37534
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been doing well for the most part lately until my fWS started back to school. We discussed it and decided that he should go back to school. And then boom. The last week and a half or so has been very rough on me. I am trying to control my thoughts and not dwell on every little thought but it is so hard! When he was in school before was how he was able to conduct his affairs without my knowledge. He is trying so hard to make me feel safe with him at school. Yet my mind still races at times. What is the norm for 8 months into reconciliation? What are some steps you all have done that help you?

Me,BS 33
SA fWH (masame5) 35
Married 13 yrs, 7 kids
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP

Posts: 196 | Registered: Nov 2012
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like our H's might have been my tag lines... I actually found out in November 2012, same as your registration date.

I made my H get a new job bc that's where his A's took place and started. He used to be a bartender. With your FWH going to school, that seems tough. Couldn't he go online??

The steps that helped me most was to give him very specific boundaries. He already went NC with all of them and attempted his sobriety several times. He knows he can NEVER be the guy who just has one drink. He got a new job, new phone, new number, new friends, new priorities.

And, 180. I'm big on 180 right now. In my mind I say fuck him, even though I love him. But, I can only be strong and have love for him if I first have it for myself.

Also, realizing I'm not the broken one and it's not my fault because I'm awesome. lol. This is huge, too.

Finally, I think the hardest is IC, I have FOO issues that are apparently messing up our R. So, we're both in IC/MC to work on ourselves FIRST, then "us." Good luck sweetie.

I'm 7 months out.

Also are you two seeing chemical dependency MC's? That helps understand the addictions.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:57 PM, June 14th (Friday)]

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

Posts: 972 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, him being at work was a big trigger because while he didn't have an office A, he met up with his ONS AP during working hours, and used working late as an excuse so he could go to the strip clubs.

Me having a tracker on his phone, and having his exact schedule helped a lot. That way, I knew exactly where he was and was supposed to be. And for the times that he was away from the office (office picnic, etc.), he took photos and sent them back to me, as well as arranging to ride with a male co-worker so he didn't have the freedom to leave where he was supposed to be.

Perhaps you can get a copy of his class schedule, put a tracker on his phone, and have him check in with you during any free-time he has during the day? Just until you can trust him more?

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10058 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 3

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