Interesting topic and replies. It is also interesting how mostly "one-way street" this issue CAN be viewed as...with the men as "leering visual predators" and the women as "objectified targets". Imho, that is a stereotyped oversimplification. But a logical one as our society literally bombards us 24/7/365 with exactly this message. Then comes along the subset of "Cougar culture" and mainstream media is praising the turning of the tables and women "taking control" by becoming the predator's themselves. A bit of a sick, twisted thing all around.
My wife and I have known eachother for more than twenty years. Men have and do look at her. She's has and does at men. And, yes, women have and do look at me. And, yes, I have and do look at women. Together, we have and do look at people. We're human, we're curious, and I think somewhere in Universities and research labs around the planet there are evolutionary biologists who would say we're DESIGNED to look, compare, contrast - to interact - in this way. And this sometimes means just fleetingly and just visually. We're social creatures.
On this site, that may not be something a BS wants to hear. And any WS (male or female) who is doing either the looking or attention seeking with ulterior or negative purpose needs to be transparent about the why's with IC's, MC's, and BS's. And they need to get real about the "buzz" this external validation they are seeking gives them. I am in no way excusing or condoning either a man OR a woman who is actively and with the underlying purposes of trolling to create secret connections (by either being an "active looker" or by being an active "visual attention seeker"). Both men and woman can do EITHER, and ANY man or woman doing either of these things has already crashed through the thin ice.
My affair did not begin with me giving a casual or leering glance at a woman on the street, or with a woman at the gym checking me out. I am 100% affair-free when it comes to any woman I've glanced at (and I am discreet), or who has glanced at me (edit to add: going back about 38 years!).
I'm not making light of the discomfort felt by the thread starter, or the potential danger this topic can pose. It just seems, as various respondents have touched upon, that to try to actively avoid this is actually an unnatural and perhaps draining distraction from, just perhaps and again imho, more important core issues that relate directly to me, my BW, and us. We can survive, discuss, handle glances to/from men and/or women. We have a heck of a lot of other stuff that I need to do, that she needs to do, and that we need to do together...to keep us busy, on track, and growing.
Good luck with your discomfort, nogood.
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 10:29 AM, July 15th (Monday)]