"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

nogoodap1 posted 6/14/2013 15:48 PM

So I'm at a loss. I've had many years of bad habits and. One of them is checking out other women. Now after confessing everything I've no longer looked the same way I use to. it's just become something I do and when I catch myself looking I stop. And I don't register what I saw. I no longer want to but I find it hard to stop the motion of looking. And I want to know if anyone has advice on how to stop. She can no longer go anywhere with me and feel safe.

Trying33 posted 6/15/2013 01:35 AM

Wow, tough one. My H checks out other women and I can see him doing it. Coming from a home full of brothers and always having their friends around etc I know full well that guys will look at attractive women (not me in particular but I would watch them interact and talk etc!). It's almost instinctive. Some men have a tendency to look more than others. Some are discreet, some are obvious. None are oblivious (in my experience).

I guess if a woman feels secure and attractive in her marriage she won't mind too much if her H appreciates another woman's beauty. I don't mind too much as my H doesn't ogle or make me feel uncomfortable but if a pretty woman enters a room I notice him noticing. Not a biggie.

BUT your wife obviously, due to her experiences as a BS probably doesn't feel secure and pretty right now so you checking out other women will be a blow to her. I would suggest, as natural as it is, you have to consciously stop doing it or stop being in such environments where it's too difficult for you not to do.

Maybe other guys can help you more. All I can say is it's not going to help your W and will make her feel worse about herself.

[This message edited by Trying33 at 1:37 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]

BaxtersBFF posted 6/15/2013 07:38 AM

Prefacing by saying that I feel I'm about to dig myself into a hole here...

I'm presuming that you are talking about checking out women you consider pretty and having thoughts associated with those looks that aren't appropriate?

What thoughts went through your head pre-A as opposed to post-A?

Is this happening in all settings? Women on the side of the street? in the store? at work? and while you're generally out and about? Do you do it when you're alone? or when your BW is with you too?

I think Trying33 has hit on something that could help...and it's that some guys look but are discreet, and others are very obvious. What I've seen is that some guys are so obvious that it is too the point of being embarrassing that they can be so disrespectful to the women they are checking out.

I hate to say this, but this is something where worrying about how others see you could actually help. Just bear with me...think about when you're walking down the isle of the store and you see a woman coming toward you. Your inclination is to look, but do you ever notice her boyfriend or husband giving you the evil eye? When you're driving around and crane your neck to get a better view, do you realize there is likely at least one person watching you and thinking "what an ass..."?

Maybe another tack...how does it make you feel when/if your BW checks out some other guy? Or better yet, when a guy checks out your BW? I'll tell you one thing, I see guys checking out my BW often enough, and it pisses me off. I've also seen a number of guys my age checking out my 16-yo daughter. So, how would that make you feel? to have a bunch of old creepy guys ogling your daughter?

I don't know. My own habits have changed, but I think I've always felt I was more discreet than most of the guys I know. I've always been scared of being embarrassed if caught. I mean, what would you do if a woman knew you were looking at her and came up to you and asked why you were looking at her? What would you say?

I applaud you for posting this. It's a hard subject to address openly. Maybe just the act of talking about it might help to cement what you are learning, which is that it is disrespectful to your BW, and to every woman you check out. So hopefully you can stop the motion of looking earlier and earlier so that when you see something "suspect" coming into your field of view, you can keep your eyes locked on the road, or something further down the aisle, or maybe even engage your BW in conversation.

FinallyHappy posted 6/15/2013 07:55 AM

Quit looking.

Pretty simple.

Are you 13?

Believe me, (as an attractive woman), we do NOT appreciate it, and instantly relegate you to the sleeze category.

FinallyHappy posted 6/15/2013 08:01 AM

And BTW, my husband also instantly notices the sleezy guy and steers me away.

We both feel bad for the woman he's with.

uncertainone posted 6/15/2013 12:18 PM

Wow, FH, I'm not 13 and am not a guy and I look at people. People are interesting.

I get looked at and I don't immediately attach a sleazy label. There's a difference between a casual glance and a leer.

Also, I find some people misinterpret "looking". My friend and I were out one time and a guy was looking our way. She was quite "offended" , yeah whatever, at his intense focus.

I was rather amused as I was as dialed in as he was....on the sweet Chevelle 396 SS...right behind us.

Sigh...such a nice car. Mmmmmm.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 12:20 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]

stilllovinghim posted 6/15/2013 12:41 PM

I agree with UO and would like to add that looking at the fairer sex isn't what got you to cheat in the first place.

A person will notice if another person walks by and that's, normal. It's when you leer and start thinking of banging them, what they look like undressed, if you could get away with it, etc., those thoughts are what you need to look out for....there's currently over 7 Billion people on this planet and over 3 Billion are women. My point is you can't avoid them all.

FinallyHappy posted 6/15/2013 18:06 PM

There's a difference between a casual glance and a leer.

Very true! I totally agree.

I was just 'assuming' (and we know that's a mistake.. ) that if his wife could no longer go anywhere with him and feel safe, that he was leering, not just looking.

help2change posted 6/17/2013 10:57 AM

NoGood, I had d-day back in January 2013. I'm 28. This is a topic that I discussed in IC and with my wife and others. After the A you are dealing with some very strange feelings as a wayward.

I had the same thoughts as you. "Oh no I'm looking at another woman, I have to stop or I'm a horrible person."

Every time you notice an attractive woman you get confused, angry with yourself. But you can't seem to stop.

Here is my two cents and what I found to help....

Men are stimulated by visual indicators. When you see an attractive woman you will usually take notice. It's O.K.! You are not a bad person! It's how you handle your thoughts that define you.

Here is something you can do to help. When you see a woman who is attractive, don't beat yourself up! Look at your BS and think of something you like about them!

When you are checking out the Woman in the high heels and short skirt and you start to get upset at yourself, look at your BS and pick something about the way she looks and focus on that!

Also, you should talk with your BS and tell her how you feel. Tell her that you get upset at yourself and want to stop. Find out how she feels about the situation, does she understand?

Here is hoping you the best, stay strong things will get better!

nogoodap1 posted 7/14/2013 18:12 PM

It's not ok to look period....

looking can lead to very bad things. to include hurting the woman/man you are with. just by looking at someone.

I hate the responses that condone the behavior of men and its "normal"... it's not normal, its a shitty thing to do.

women: you shouldn't have to accept a man's glancing at other woman as normal behavior because they are guy's

men: we shouldn't allow ourselves to be controlled by other women. If your mind is controlled by another woman's looks and you want to look at her you are giving her the power over your woman.

I hate society today and how much sex is everywhere and it's all geared to men. its why we consider it to be "normal" because its what everything tells us... you wont walk down the street and see half naked man selling butter to women on a billboard. even stuff that's meant to sell to women has attractive women on it!!!!!!

things have gotten easier when going out with my girlfriend as far as other women around. the way I deal with it is to not look. If I feel that there's a female around I will not turn my eyes away from my girlfriend. or I will look at the ground or something away from the other female.

knightsbff posted 7/14/2013 18:32 PM

... you wont walk down the street and see half naked man selling butter to women

Ummm.....have you seen the "Zesty" commercials? He's definitely selling to women.

badchoice posted 7/14/2013 20:51 PM

I think there is a difference between 'looking' vs looking and objectifying. I don't think you can stop 'seeing' women, but what you can work on is your habit or desire to objectify them.

hardlessons posted 7/14/2013 23:19 PM

If I feel that there's a female around I will not turn my eyes away from my girlfriend. or I will look at the ground or something away from the other female.

Yeah, that ain't creepy at all... I just hope the good Lord cursed you with poor peripheral vision. I mean holy shit there is like 50% of them out there!

COME ON! Railing against society because you like boobies and have a hard time looking away. Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?

You choose your behavior, but be honest about it, it isn't society or the billboards or anything else BUT YOU. I have seen plenty of people in "Society" that manage themselves just fine. After 4 months this is the most you have come up with to make your BGF feel safe? That says more to her unsafe feeling than a cute girl walking across the room. What are you doing to fix something that might be of more value to the both of you?

JustDesserts posted 7/15/2013 10:01 AM

Interesting topic and replies. It is also interesting how mostly "one-way street" this issue CAN be viewed as...with the men as "leering visual predators" and the women as "objectified targets". Imho, that is a stereotyped oversimplification. But a logical one as our society literally bombards us 24/7/365 with exactly this message. Then comes along the subset of "Cougar culture" and mainstream media is praising the turning of the tables and women "taking control" by becoming the predator's themselves. A bit of a sick, twisted thing all around.

My wife and I have known eachother for more than twenty years. Men have and do look at her. She's has and does at men. And, yes, women have and do look at me. And, yes, I have and do look at women. Together, we have and do look at people. We're human, we're curious, and I think somewhere in Universities and research labs around the planet there are evolutionary biologists who would say we're DESIGNED to look, compare, contrast - to interact - in this way. And this sometimes means just fleetingly and just visually. We're social creatures.

On this site, that may not be something a BS wants to hear. And any WS (male or female) who is doing either the looking or attention seeking with ulterior or negative purpose needs to be transparent about the why's with IC's, MC's, and BS's. And they need to get real about the "buzz" this external validation they are seeking gives them. I am in no way excusing or condoning either a man OR a woman who is actively and with the underlying purposes of trolling to create secret connections (by either being an "active looker" or by being an active "visual attention seeker"). Both men and woman can do EITHER, and ANY man or woman doing either of these things has already crashed through the thin ice.

My affair did not begin with me giving a casual or leering glance at a woman on the street, or with a woman at the gym checking me out. I am 100% affair-free when it comes to any woman I've glanced at (and I am discreet), or who has glanced at me (edit to add: going back about 38 years!).

I'm not making light of the discomfort felt by the thread starter, or the potential danger this topic can pose. It just seems, as various respondents have touched upon, that to try to actively avoid this is actually an unnatural and perhaps draining distraction from, just perhaps and again imho, more important core issues that relate directly to me, my BW, and us. We can survive, discuss, handle glances to/from men and/or women. We have a heck of a lot of other stuff that I need to do, that she needs to do, and that we need to do together...to keep us busy, on track, and growing.

Good luck with your discomfort, nogood.

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 10:29 AM, July 15th (Monday)]