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User Topic: Confessed and left, don't know where we are
ws0235
♀ 39552
Member # 39552
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had been living with my boyfriend for 6 years and ended a LTA a year ago. The past year I really truly though it was right to bury it and try to fix myself, but it didn't seem to be working. I was going to just leave, but when I tried to leave I ended up confessing.
I wasn't expecting a reconciliation, I didn't know what I was doing. I just knew something wasn't right and I felt that it was wrong for me to continue living with him. Now I think deep down I did want forgiveness but didn't feel I deserved to even ask for it.
This was about two weeks ago. Now we have minimal contact. I have written to him explaining that I know I have some growing to do before I can ask him to trust me again, and that it is up to him, but I don't even know if he read the email. When I have seen him since I confessed, there have been times he was cheerful and friendly, but once he just ignored me and slept on the couch while I collected some belongings.
I'm not sure if I should initiate contact or try to be supportive, or if I should just wait for him to ask for what he wants. It's a tough position to be in because I don't know if reconciliation is even on the table.
I will still have to be in contact to get mail, and deal with a few logistical things, but I guess all I can do is keep it casual until he decides what he wants?
I can't say I am sure what I want, because even though I am remorseful, and have been faithful the past year, I still felt there were things that were missing, not understanding that the infidelity itself had built a wall that sort of invented problems that might not have existed otherwise. Or that I would have been able to ask for help with if I hadn't felt so guilty about the affair.
I haven't seen any posts about situations quite like this. I didn't plan to confess, I was just going to leave, but in the process of trying to separate I realized how much I love him. At the same time, I know that some of that emotion is just the natural sorrow of separation from the companionship we shared, and there are still deeper motivations to examine.
He was totally blindsided, although it always puzzled me that he never noticed something was up.
I guess if I have a question, for BS or WS, it's just to ask how much I should try to stay involved, or show support. I screwed up at first and was so scared for him that I got his sister involved. Now I realize he probably would have preferred that she didn't know, but I was so scared that he would spiral downward, and he wasn't talking to anyone, and I knew he would talk to her.
Which I guess is my other fear. I fear that she is counseling him to just write me off. Maybe that is what is best for him but I wish I knew what to expect. I know that I can't expect any kind of consideration for my feelings after what I've done, but it's just such a scary position to be in.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jun 2013
isadora
♀ 29130
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome.

Right now you need to let go of the outcome and focus on making yourself a safe partner (for your BBF or someome else).

Confessing was a good first step, but he may need some space to put his life with you into his new perspective. Or this could be a dealbreaker for him.

Work on you, let him know you are available if he has any questions, tell the truth if he asks, apologize,

I was blindsided by FWH's confession but after the initial shock wore off, things began to make sense. It took awhile to adjust.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4521 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
ws0235
♀ 39552
Member # 39552
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for the perspective. I am generally and genuinely trying to work on myself but I have these moments when I am gripped by fear and desire to know the outcome. I know that part of growing is getting through those moments and I appreciate the response that helped remind me of that.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jun 2013
TrustGone
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to start by saying that I am proud that you confessed instead of taking the cowards way out and just leaving him. At least now he knows that it wasn't his fault. You could have just as easily left and never told him since it happened/ended a year ago. You could have blame shifted and gas lighted him but you didn't and that shows that you realize what you did was wrong and he deserved to know the truth. I think this is the first step to fixing your issues that lead to your A and a good start to hopefully not go down that self-destructive road again. Even if it doesn't work out for the two of you, you recognize you have a problem that you need to fix before becoming involved in another relationship.

I didn't see you mention if you were in IC. If not I would recommend that you start. Find one that deals with infedelity and stick with it until you can dig down deep and find out the reasons for cheating and any other FOO issues you may be dealing with that may have contributed to your A or other issues you may be having.

As far as knowing if you can R with your boyfriend after this only time will tell. It may be a deal breaker for him. R is hard when you are married, but I would think it would be even more so if you are not and have no children to consider. I do not say this to discourage you, only to point out that it is a long hard road to go down, not only for him, but also for you. Sometimes as you know love is not always enough to get past the betrayal of infedelity for the wayward or the betrayed.

What you need to do now is show you want to R with actions, not just words. Words at this point mean nothing. You have to really own this, not just for him, but for yourself. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Divorcing as soon as I can as he is still cheating with OW

Posts: 2473 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
TrustGone
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to start by saying that I am proud that you confessed instead of taking the cowards way out and just leaving him. At least now he knows that it wasn't his fault. You could have just as easily left and never told him since it happened/ended a year ago. You could have blame shifted and gas lighted him but you didn't and that shows that you realize what you did was wrong and he deserved to know the truth. I think this is the first step to fixing your issues that lead to your A and a good start to hopefully not go down that self-destructive road again. Even if it doesn't work out for the two of you, you recognize you have a problem that you need to fix before becoming involved in another relationship.

I didn't see you mention if you were in IC. If not I would recommend that you start. Find one that deals with infedelity and stick with it until you can dig down deep and find out the reasons for cheating and any other FOO issues you may be dealing with that may have contributed to your A or other issues you may be having.

As far as knowing if you can R with your boyfriend after this only time will tell. It may be a deal breaker for him. R is hard when you are married, but I would think it would be even more so if you are not and have no children to consider. I do not say this to discourage you, only to point out that it is a long hard road to go down, not only for him, but also for you. Sometimes as you know love is not always enough to get past the betrayal of infedelity for the wayward or the betrayed.

What you need to do now is show you want to R with actions, not just words. Words at this point mean nothing. You have to really own this, not just for him, but for yourself. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Divorcing as soon as I can as he is still cheating with OW

Posts: 2473 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 5

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