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Why can't I stop thinking about xWW?

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foreverempty posted 6/14/2013 18:22 PM

I thought I was shaking her off but I still can't seem to get her out of my head.

Still Facebook stalking her from a fake account which is completely stupid.

Today she has changed profile picture to what I can only assume is yet another new bloke in her life....

Friends say delete the account then you can't look, to which my response is, but I'll only have the ability to make another one and do it all again when I'm drunk some time.

This other new guy is massive and a bodybuilder type and she looks massively happy, like she used to in photos of us.

Thought I was over her.... Clearly not.

Wierd as last night for the first night in ages I had a whole night of anxiety filled bad dreams about her and my exDD. Didn't know about the new guy at the time but I woke up all upset.

Don't like it. She's still in my head.

It's so unfair on current SO that XWW is still so much in my head but I can't help but think I'm going to be years and years before she's properly gone, if she ever is.

Not sure I know what I want to be happy any more. Just seems still so confused and its been almost 18 months.

The only thing I know how to do well is work.

I crave happiness but am still so scared of allowing someone properly into my life.

SO is fighting a huge battle trying to break through my emotional blockades but I can't help but think she's loosing.

It scares me when I get asked the question, "what if XWW came crawling back trough the door begging" and as much as I know I'd tell her to sod off, I know inside I still bleed a little for her and obviously still think about her more than I'm ready to admit too.

I said in counseling yesterday if I saw her I don't think it'd bother me. Seeing her with this new bloke has made me think differently.

Sad in Wales tonight

[This message edited by foreverempty at 7:38 PM, June 14th (Friday)]

Hope24 posted 6/14/2013 19:33 PM

My heart breaks for your SO.

SBB posted 6/14/2013 19:45 PM

It stops when you say it stops. When you've hurt yourself enough by looking her up. It takes a lot of effort to stop but it takes more effort to keep her in your life this way.

It stopped for me when I realised I had taken the knife he hurt me with and I was now stabbing myself with it by keeping him in my life in this way. That imagery stopped me in my tracks.

Now 8m later I am not even tempted to look. I am honestly not interested nor do I want to know. I have asked everyone to not tell me things about him. None of it is useful to me. None of it does anything but causes me pain.

NC = No New Hurts. I learned it the hard way - most of us do.

Also, I have to say - what the hell are you doing in a relationship when you're feeling this way? It is not fair to your SO and I have to question how healthy she is for tolerating it.

Using someone as a bandaid is cruel and will hurt you and them in the long run.

I know you say it has been 18m but IMO you are not very far in your healing because a) you've not gone total NC - it is impossible for you to detach this way and b) you've tried to distract yourself with some poor innocent SO.

There are no shortcuts. The only way through it is through it. You could walk through it in a relatively straight line by NC/detachment or you can do what you're doing and walk in/out of the fire repeatedly for 18m.

Love yourself more than this friend. You deserve better. Your SO deserves better. You are betraying her with this behaviour.

Your X is a fucked up POS who abused you. Infidelity is a form of abuse.

Affairs are not passive, neither are detachment and healing.

You are keeping her in your head. You are giving her free real estate in your mind. Evict her. Start off my not looking her up. Please stop hurting yourself.

foreverempty posted 6/14/2013 20:10 PM

Thanks guys

It's odd cause I was in a complete NC situation for so long.

Didn't look even though I could.

Never answered even one single call, text or message from X ever since I decided enough was enough back in February of last year.

Did the same, asking everyone, even if they knew what was happening in X's life I didn't want to hear as it had 100% nothing of interest to me.

I'm not sure why the recent desire to look her up.

I know when it started, after I bumped into her when she was drunk in town with other new BF. I guess my previous strength was stripped back after the first ever face to face for well over a year.

I'm not friends with her on FB, she and her entire family are blocked so I can't look even if I wanted. But one night after I saw her I crated a fake account and realised I could see the restricted version of her Facebook, just profile picture updates if I'm honest, nothing else.

I'm torturing myself for no real good reason. She is scum of the hugest order and I'm well aware of the fact my life is much better without her in it.

Maybe my new hurts are coming from situations out of my control.

I'm finally writing my letter to exDD for her new parents to keep until she is older. I'm finding it hard to express my love for her and how none of this was her fault, that at no time I expected this to happen and the adoption to fail. It's made me miss her all over again.

The divorce which has taken forever to sort out only finalised 6 weeks ago.

Only last week I've had to apply to the courts to sort finances as X is refusing to respond to any solicitors letters we are sending.

So despite my self inflicted FB hurt I have a lot of forced new hurts currently going on that I have no option but to deal with like we all have.

I do feel very much for SO. We only get to see eachother once a month or so as we live 300 miles apart. I do wonder why she still supports me knowing how difficult and unemotional I have become of late but she says she wants to stand by me and support me and believes that soon I will be in a good place where we may flourish. She says I have come so far and have been so strong and she has seen me grow from all this. I do still question if her FOO issues are a driving for e and that maybe she sees me as an escape from where she is but that's an assumption I'm making which may be a little unfair on her.

Last nights nightmares about X and xDD were a complete surprise as it has really been longer than I can remember since anything like that happened to me.

It's utterly bizarre....

Thanks for the support though and apologies for spelling as its 2am, I can't sleep again and I'm speed typing all this on my phone.

foreverempty posted 6/14/2013 20:17 PM

I've just logged on and requested a complete deletion of my fake account, not a deactivation, a deletion.

I know I can open up another at any time but i we t for so long before not knowing and not wanting to know maybe this redeletion will be a perminent fixture.

I'd already deleted every text history, all phone contacts No. Of X and family and friends and all photos off my phone and laptop of everything that related to her.

They were huge moments for me and I did it. I just kick myself for my weakness following my bumping into her....

Sorry all for being a bit limp about it again!

Jrazz posted 6/14/2013 20:30 PM

Good for you, foreverempty. One foot in front of the other.

SBB posted 6/14/2013 20:35 PM

Not limp friend. You're hurting.

I've seen a few threads here about the surprise triggers a bit down the track.

Fake it till you make it. One day you'll realise you're not faking it.

Give yourself a time limit to think about it each day then shorten it every month or so. Some use a rubber band on the wrist to 'snap' you out of it. I used a big red flashing stop sign in my head. One day you'll notice you haven't thought about her or "it" for a whole day, a whole week.

I'm starting to feel like this has all happened to a good friend of mine. Not me. All of my current issues are parallel parenting related.

I'm sorry very sorry about your DD. When it rains it pours. Lean into the pain when it gets bad.

Triggers are tough but they do pass. You just have to breathe through them.

I won't make further comment about your SO as I think you know what we'll all say to you and I know you'll ignore it all.

foreverempty posted 6/14/2013 20:47 PM

I do know what you'll all say and its the same as I have discussed with my closest friends here at home and my parents.

I need to be alone again for quite some time I think.

Its not that I don't want to be with her, it's more that I don't want to be with anyone and that's exactly what I said to my best friend a week of so back.

She's a lovely person but I'm realizing more everyday that I'm just not in a place to be fully involved in an emotional relationship as I'm still not in control of my own mental well being.

I just don't know how to do it. I've never broken up with someone cause there's nothing wrong with them, I'm just a bit batty!

nowiknow23 posted 6/14/2013 21:54 PM

They were huge moments for me and I did it.
So glad to hear that you made those important moves, forever.

She's a lovely person but I'm realizing more everyday that I'm just not in a place to be fully involved in an emotional relationship as I'm still not in control of my own mental well being.
I think the honest and open way is the only way to end things with her. Tell her you are not healed. Tell her you need some time alone to work on those wounds. She may be around when you are truly ready, or she may not. But the kind thing to do is to take that time to rebuild yourself, forever.

I know this won't be easy. Sending you strength and comfort. ((((forever))))

foreverempty posted 6/16/2013 10:10 AM

Well it seems my recent mood swing has coincided with yet another special occasion without me fully realizing.

It's Father's Day today.

3 days of sleepless nights and nightmares about fantasy situations that never happened involving me xWW and xDD, worry and anxiety flushes and today I've realised what I think it's all about.

I'm missing my baby girl this Father's Day and can't stop thinking about the fun she is having today with her new mummy and daddy and the joy she must be bringin to them.

This is what I used to come home to very day after work.

Miss you baby girl. This is her curled up with my dog Stella who was also rehomed last year when I couldn't even look after me.

Wish I'd been stronger and maybe offered them both a home with me still but what happened left me being control medicated by my parents and in no way fit to parent

Glad she's happy again now.

Think I want to be single forever so this pain never hits me again.

Gonna tell dad tonight how much he means to me when he gets in from work x

[This message edited by foreverempty at 10:13 AM, June 16th (Sunday)]

SBB posted 6/16/2013 10:55 AM

Oh friend. I simply cannot imagine losing my girls.

She is absolutely gorgeous.

I don't know your backstory but I am wishing you peace and healing. Please be gentle with yourself.


nowiknow23 posted 6/16/2013 11:23 AM

((((((((((forever)))))))))) So sorry you are hurting. Be gentle with yourself. These are deep cuts, honey. They take time and attention to heal.

foreverempty posted 6/16/2013 12:02 PM

Thanks ladies

StrongButBroken, backstory in a nutshell. Caught xWW having affair while in the middle of adoption (as she couldn't have kids), about 7 months in.

I told social services about it and the rest is history now. DD now has been adopted by a new couple.

NIK, been very grateful of your ongoing support throughout... x

It's been a odd week as I've been in a very good place for a while despite the odd relapse but this week caught me off guard and I just couldn't pinpoint exactly why until today.

traicionada posted 6/16/2013 12:12 PM

Are you being good to yourself? Getting enough sleep? Eating healthy? Working out? The first round of holidays is always the hardest so be good to yourself; this shall soon pass

nowiknow23 posted 6/17/2013 23:24 PM

Just checking in on you, forever. How are you doing today?

foreverempty posted 6/18/2013 03:21 AM


Yeah I'm ok thanks. Back in work yesterday so a bit of a distraction.

Just don't like it when these things suckerpunch you out of seemingly nowhere. I'd been feeling good for ages, that was the odd thing.

Guess I wasn't helping myself with the FB thing but hopefully I'm done with that now.

being good to myself? Trying

Getting enough sleep? Nope, doesn't seem to be getting any better but no more daily nightmares which is good.

Eating healthy? Kind of.

Working out? Defiantly not, put some weight back on but new job is keeping me physically rushing around all day.

I really want to get a dog for company but working full time is scuppering that plan. Found a dog sitter/walker locally who would charge about 15 a day for 2 visits so that may be an option. Especially as I found the perfect puppy last night.

Soooo cute. I want her badly x

Hope24 posted 6/18/2013 06:11 AM

18 months is a very short time to recover from betrayal and divorce, let alone losing a child and beloved pet.

It's okay to grieve. Give yourself enough time to feel the pain and move through it. Replacing the losses with new loved ones (SO, new puppy) may soothe you temporarily, but you're only masking the pain. It will resurface eventually.

Depression is anger turned inward (according to my IC). Is there a part of you that blames yourself for being abandoned and losing the life you loved? You may need to forgive yourself before you can move on in a healthy way.

Grief, forgiveness and time.

foreverempty posted 6/18/2013 06:39 AM

Replacing the losses with new loved ones (SO, new puppy) may soothe you temporarily, but you're only masking the pain. It will resurface eventually.


New SO is causing me quite a bit of confusion not necessarily because if anything about her but mostly because I can't seem to be able to grasp the concept of replacing my xWW. I'm being hugely unfair to her. I don't like me much for that.

New puppy.... Um, I keep swinging between the positives but recognizing the negatives which is what keeps holding me back. I can't honestly say that even I 100% think its the right thing to do although I like the way I am trying to investigate support options (regular dog walker/sitter). Days gone by I would have bought now and worried about all that later.

Is there a part of you that blames yourself for being abandoned and losing the life you loved? You may need to forgive yourself before you can move on in a healthy way.

Yes, very much.

If only I'd done this, if only I'd been more like that, maybe I'd still have my family...

Reality is (historically but i didn't know at the time) she was always a cheater, she cheated, she would have done it eventually no matter what I did. I understand that, but I'm seriously scared of it happening again.

I don't see me ever being able to have that total feeling of security in a relationship as that involves a little naivety, blissful ignorance and unquestionable trust I can never get back again.


nowiknow23 posted 6/18/2013 09:10 AM

I don't see me ever being able to have that total feeling of security in a relationship as that involves a little naivety, blissful ignorance and unquestionable trust I can never get back again.
I understand this feeling. To be honest, however, I think it's not all a bad thing to lose that naivety and ignorance. I think there's a lot to be said for learning to trust ourselves again after all this. For me, that's taking some time. ((((forever))))

BTW - that puppy is insanely darling. I don't know that I could resist her.

foreverempty posted 6/18/2013 18:26 PM

I don't think it's all bad either NIK its just such a shame we've been thrust into this place. I really enjoyed my naivety though, I was so cozy in it, it was like my whole life was a great big safe and secure cwtch (Welsh cuddle)

Well I've not long got in from work. Staying at my parents tonight as I sometimes do.

They both sat me down and told me if I really wanted the puppy they would help me where they could to manage looking after her. I've also found this fab sounding dog sitter just down the road from me who can do 2 visits a day while I'm in work.....

It's just making that decision to once again become responsible for someone/something. Yes maybe I am wanting to fill a whole as I miss my dog loads and loads, but I crave a feeling for wanting responsibility. Maybe a dog at home will stop me seeking a unhealthy relationship with another person until I'm properly ready?

I don't know what the right decision is but I am getting a little excited at the prospect of maybe going through with this.

After all I've got a house with 2/3 acre garden and am about to get another 1/2 acre or more of woodland to go with it for free. I've got a stable job now as well, my rental properties are doing well and apart from my occasional batty moments and obvious need for more healing, I'm in a much better place than I have been for a long long time.

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