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I try not to come here. I can't help it.

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pewpewpew posted 6/14/2013 20:11 PM

I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. The pain is overwhelming. It's heart wrenching.

A year out it is still hard for me to read and comment here.

It does get easier. TIME heals these wounds. I know that seems hard and unimaginable - but it's true.

I am a different story. I never received confirmation. No reasons or excuses. No proof anything happened.

Am I better for it? I don't know yet.
I do know I don't have the mind movies. I don't know what they exchanged as far as I miss you's, I love you, the sex was great.

I believe in the long run - this will help us. We are doing good. Almost a year out. My marriage is secure. We are intimate, our communication is at its best, and we are happy.

We have our bad times. During this time he is reassuring, loving, and thoughtful.

I've done a ton of work on myself. I work out, eat healthy, and overall look out for myself and our daughter.

I am cynical tho. I no longer trust blindly and always trust, but verify. I hate the new me. I am no longer open and trusting. When I meet new people, I am quiet and shy. I keep my walls up.

It's a new you - and you can have a better relationship for it.
Us it work? Hell yes. It's not for p******. It takes more work than to just walk away. I've considered the latter, trust me.

I love my WH. I'm committed to making it work - this time. I've already made it crystal fucking clear - he EVER chooses to do this again - he can go fuck himself. Divorce will be the ONLY option.

Hugs and good luck. Hold on tight - it's a crazy ass ride.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/15/2013 01:20 AM

Sounds like you are a very successful rugsweeper.....

wildbananas posted 6/15/2013 01:23 AM

Us it work? Hell yes. It's not for p******. It takes more work than to just walk away.

Not necessarily. Walking away is hard too. There are plenty of stories in D/S and NB to support that.

R or D... it's all hard.

crazynot posted 6/15/2013 02:34 AM

Getting through this is hard for EVERYONE, and NO WAY is D the 'easy way out'. Also, some of us have no choice because as well as cheating on us, our spouses leave. In my case, it was the best thing that could have happened because he'd cheated before and now I don't have to live with a man who can do that to me repeatedly. I'm always happy to hear successful 'R' stories - it was what I wanted for myself so much at one stage. But none of us has it easy, and those of us for whom infidelity ends the marriage are no less brave or hard-working.

kick1363 posted 6/15/2013 07:27 AM

Well I am over 2 years from DD and its still difficult from time to time, i like you have what i feel is now a better relationship but also have changed so much that am i the same person i was 2 years ago.
I love my wife and i believe she loves me. god knows it may have been easier to walk away than deal with the issues. i am sure i wouldnt be so grey now.
Glad things worked out for you.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/15/2013 11:51 AM

Without the WS working on themselves, which requires honesty about what they've done and dealing with that, there will never be a successful R. There will just be more DDays to come down the road, more lies, more deception, more blaming it on the BS and how they looked, acted, spoke, didn't clean, etc. etc.

It may work for you now, pew, however I would recommend you read up on our many members who are here after years or more of rugsweeping and finding infidelity happening again and now having to deal with a new infidelity as well as drudging up the painful first infidelity that they knew about so long ago but never dealt with.

Time heals nothing.... time only makes the memory hurt less.

Josephine01 posted 6/16/2013 11:46 AM

Hi, thank you for trying to encourage us all here. Your efforts are appreciated.

In your post you say that "[you] hate the new [you]. Then you say "it's a new you - and you can have a better relationship for it."

My question is, and I am not judging you or saying you are wrong, if you hate yourself, then how can you have a better relationship?

I do, however, disagree with you that it takes more effort to live in R than to ask for a D. I honestly believe that I am taking the road of least resistance in staying, because like you my H has admitted that he had an EA. But, he doesn't consider it an A. While I am pretty sure that it was a PA. Like you, I have no proof. But I have reconciled myself to giving him a year to come clean. We get a little closer to the truth each time we talk, and we do talk.

He does acknowledge that he hurt me and gives me reasons why, but I am not getting even close to the truth yet. I am doing a good job of rug sweeping myself so again I am not judging you, I just believe that people who choose to D because of an A are not weak by any means. We are all struggling here and living our lives the best way we know how at the moment.

dmari posted 6/16/2013 16:42 PM

It takes more work than to just walk away.

Whenever I read this on SI, it hurts. I don't think it is fair for any of us to minimize someone else's circumstances ~ rather it be to R, S, D or whatever else there is.

I believe whatever path we are on, IT TAKES WORK! One doesn't necessarily take more work than another. The fallout of infidelity effects us all harshly and putting your life back together is incredibly hard work for all of us.

pewpewpew posted 6/16/2013 17:31 PM

I just want to clarify -
I did not word it correctly. Yes it would be just as difficult to D. In my case - R is harder for me. I had always said infidelity would be a deal breaker. But now, I am doing my best to R since children are involved.
I guess you cannot say for sure you'd walk away until you are put in the situation.
Also - I am by no means rugsweeping. We have done IC and marriage counseling. We continue to meet with our MC as we see fit.
I know in his case it was at least an EA. I have no proof anything physical did happen. He states it wasn't an EA since it was inappropriate - but because there was never feelings/sexual innuendo discussed.
During our sessions - I have received more truth. He knows it was wrong. He knows boundaries were crossed.

PhoenixRisen posted 6/16/2013 17:37 PM

It takes more work than to just walk away.

ahhhh I know you didn't mean it but... wow, that is offensive for anyone who did have to walk away.
Both opinions are hard. But that is why we are all here. The opinions we have been presented with are hard work all round.

But why try not to come here? You can still share your story and since you are R you can share your trials along that path.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/17/2013 12:33 PM

I never received confirmation. No reasons or excuses. No proof anything happened

He states it wasn't an EA since it was inappropriate - but because there was never feelings/sexual innuendo discussed.

If he's getting away with this garbage and you haven't pulled him into a poly test yet, then you are rug sweeping. He's never told you the truth about it, so he's never had to get to the root of why he had an inappropriate relationship with another woman, so there isn't a real R there. It's rug sweeping. You might not like to admit that that's what it is, but after a year and still no answers, that's exactly what it is. I'm sorry to break it to you.

pewpewpew posted 6/17/2013 13:37 PM

I guess I'm confused as to what constitutes rug sweeping?
I believed it was putting my head in the sand and/or turning a blind eye?

What if he did not sleep with her? Is it that naive of me to try to believe him?
Yes - he was calling and texting a co-worker. He hid it from me. But I have no clue what they discussed. He says it was work and it was a friendship only. I know they always say that...

I don't know what else to do to find out. It's over - I know that.
I tried everything to get texts. I bought wonder share and an irecover stick.

I'm tired of being a detective. But I want my M and a real R.
What do I do?

crazynot posted 6/17/2013 14:50 PM

pewpewpew... just noticed your age. My ex cheated on me a year into our marriage (we were in our 20s) and we had a massive wake-up call, remorse, the lot. He was besotted with me and invested everything he could into repairing the damage caused by his ONS. But what we did then, finally undid us. We never discussed it again. Just moved on. Had kids, were great parents... had the close relationship everyone envied. Yet something inside me - and him - had died. Not just because of the infidelity, because we never got help to discover WHY one of us had done such a horrible thing. And I never investigated the stuff I had going on either, which tbh probably led to the ONS. We were both terrified and absolutely threw the thing under the carpet. You can see where I am now. I'm happy now and it's hard to regret a long marriage which gave me such amazing kids. But since he left me I've found an incredible relationship with someone else. Our 'rug-sweeping' robbed me of years of that.

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