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I just don't know

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Pepper Jack posted 6/14/2013 20:15 PM

I have been feeling really, really low lately. FWW has been remorseful, said and did all the right things early on, but doesn't really want to talk about it anymore (3+ yrs out). She doesn't say, "Get over it already," but that's the general attitude.

The only counselor that seemed to help me moved away in December and I have been sliding back into feeling nothing but disbelief, hurt, and inadequacy.

We have 4 kids that mean the world to me but I can't bring myself to trust her again, not just sneaking around mistrust, but emotional trust. I don't believe in her or how she feels about me anymore. Sex has all but ceased completely and I feel very alone. So very alone.

This woman meant the world to me. Who does this to people? Who willingly takes a hand in destroying two families? How can you say you love someone and then do something that utterly destroys them, unless you never really loved them at all? I hate my life and I hate myself.

scarredforever posted 6/14/2013 20:41 PM

Please don't hate yourself. I understand your feelings of being alone. Been there done that.

As far as trust goes, for me personally it will never again be 100% for my H, and that's okay with me. The emotional trust, well that's another matter. I don't trust him to have my best interests at heart. It's really sad.

I don't know the answers to all of your questions, just wanted to say you have been heard, and I do understand your feelings of loss.

HardenMyHeart posted 6/14/2013 23:31 PM

So sorry for what you are going though.

What are you doing for yourself these days to make you happy? Sometimes when we are feeling down or overwhelmed we forget to look for the beauty and the joy in the world.

What are you doing to foster and nurture your spiritual growth? That does not necessarily mean religion. It simply means a continuous discovery of the nature of the universe and the things that give it meaning. Without some sort of spiritual growth, we're simply living a day to day existence, without ever being mindful of what is going on around us.

Pepper Jack posted 6/15/2013 23:08 PM

The kids keep me going. That's about the only beauty in life I can find, but everything seems tainted. Do any other BS feel like everything else in their lives is tainted. It's like there is this layer of grime that just won't wash off.

Spiritually, I go to church and pray for things to get better. It just seems like everything is piling in on me right now. I just can't keep my life from circling the drain.

catlover50 posted 6/16/2013 17:08 PM

So sorry Pepper. Have you considered that you may be depressed? Do you have a doctor you could talk to? For your kid's sake you should look into this.

I have learned that my fWH was very broken and that his A had nothing to do with me, or indeed the OW, and everything to do with his unresolved issues. Of course he hurt me terribly, but he is trying with all his might to heal me, our M, and himself. I know that he loved me before, but he can love me so much more now.

Good luck to you.

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