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AgainandAgain posted 6/14/2013 20:59 PM

Everything has been picture perfect lately. Everything. We hit a bump a few weeks ago but nothing major. My H has always looked at porn but it was never an issue. I know about it and it hasn't really ever bothered me until lately.

We have a young daughter who is still very needy and doesn't get to see him much. You'd think with him home, he'd spend time with her. Nope. He sits on his iPad, plays Candy Crush, and views a little porn. So he keeps making remarks lately about how he looks at very little. Which, compared to a few years ago, it is. It's still about 30 minutes a day sometimes less.

I digress. He made the comment about it and I said you still look at it a lot. I pulled up his history and showed him it. Ever since then, he's been moody. I left tonight for an hour, came back and he was sitting there like a spoiled brat with his arms crossed. He proceeds to say I don't think we are getting along. I said yes that would be a correct statement. He then blows up and says he is tired of my nagging of his porn. It wasn't an issue but it is now. I said it's an issue now because I get very little sleep with our daughter and now we have a new puppy that I TAKE CARE OF. He has taken the dog out 6 times in the last 2 weeks. I'm up with him all night. He barks and wakes our daughter and then I'm up with her. F**k You!

I'm sitting here just crying because he went to bed like an arsehole and I'm again up with baby and puppy. This shit is ridiculous. Now he wont talk to me.

Sorry for ranting...I just need to get it out.

Pippy posted 6/14/2013 21:13 PM

Will he go to counseling? He needs to find out what issues make him cheat and disrespect you with his porn addiction. Right now it sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.

You have to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with a 12 year old spouse.

Children imprint from their parents. That's how they pick out spouses who resemble their fathers or mothers. They learn how a couple interacts and how to respect a spouse. This is something to keep in mind. What influence will he have on your baby?

As for your puppy, please find a good home for it because you don't need that stress in your home right now.

AgainandAgain posted 6/14/2013 21:21 PM

I've never asked about counseling. For some reason growing up I was taught if I needed it, I'm broken and just walk away.

The porn doesn't bother me at all. I've never had an issue with it. I don't know why but it never has bothered me. Only if they hide it. I grew up with mostly male friends and I've always been one of the guys.

I told him that a daughter will grow up to marry someone like her father. Although I've been married twice and the first one was the polar opposite of my dad. My husband is exactly like my dad. I remember him having the "dirty magazines" and my mother actually went and got them for him. Weird, right?

The problem tonight is that he is acting exactly like the beginning in our relationship. He was very childish and did a complete turn around and has been wonderful. Just today though, it has resorted back and I don't know why.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/14/2013 21:38 PM

To be honest, if I were him I would be mad at you too.

You are engaging in double-speak. You proclaim to not care about him looking at porn and yet you are monitoring his usage. And you also say that the porn wasn't an issue until now....and then link it to the fact that you aren't getting much sleep and you have a new puppy.

I'm having trouble connecting how the dog barking and waking up your baby is related to your WH's porn usage.

It seems to me that you are being very unclear with your WH about what your are REALLY upset about. He's *hearing* that you are upset about the porn....but it seems to me that you are pissed because he's just slacking in general. If you really don't have a problem with his porn usage, then leave that subject out of your argument because it seems that he gets pretty defensive when you bring it up and it keeps him from hearing that you really just want him to step up to the plate and HELP you.

{{hugs}} to you. A baby AND a puppy??? WTH were you thinking??? (j/k )

AgainandAgain posted 6/14/2013 21:57 PM

Gonna-so sorry I'm confusing you! When I"m upset I have a hard time typing. My mind is going 100 miles a minute and fingers just don't catch up.

Ok, to be clear, I don't mind the porn if it's not interrupting family time. Which it now is. Instead of helping with our daughter or the puppy, he's viewing porn. The reason I know this is he is on the couch while I'm walking around doing things. He always asks me if I need help after he is done looking/playing his games.

The dog barking wakes up our daughter. So I'm averaging very little sleep each night. He on the other hand sleeps and naps during the day so he is very well rested. I ask him to please help by taking the dog out, helping bathe our daughter, etc. Anything will help me. He goes on and on about how tired he is and how he has no time to do things but yet I just look at him like he has 4 heads. He's bragging about how he doesn't look at porn that much but it's increased. It was 30 minutes or less but now he pics up his iPad every 10 minutes to look at porn and then he plays Candy Crush. Once his lives are gone, back to porn.

I know, I know. Our dog passed away a few months ago and we've had major break ins and home invasions in our tiny community. So we got a protective pup but he's a yapper. Our daughters room is right above our living room so of course it wakes her. Usually you can drive a truck through the house and she won't budge.

Can you tell with my ramblings that I'm tired and exhausted?????

gonnabe2016 posted 6/14/2013 22:40 PM

Ok. So I'll be a bit more direct.

I think that maybe you DO have an issue with the porn. Think about it and be honest with yourself.

Bottom line is that you think that he's slacking and you need help. He's not helping. I don't see the issue as 'porn' related...but just 'computer' related in general. Porn, CandyCrush, whatever...he is disengaged from the family responsibilities.

Make a chore list. AAA takes the dog out at xyz times and WH takes the dog out at abc times.

My point is to make it more of a 'family' responsibility thing because it seems that if you say the 'porn' word your WH gets all defensive about it. And from your post it doesn't seem as if you give a hoot about *why* he's on his just want some help. And understandably so. You NEED help.

You should not have to shoulder all of the responsibility for the baby and the puppy on your own.....

AgainandAgain posted 6/14/2013 22:53 PM

Gonna-thanks for making me really second guess my self. I didn't think it was an issue. Trust me, it's annoying but I thought of it as no big deal.

You are absolutely right in all you said. I do need help. I have a few friends that actually have family and/or hired help come in and help them. I don't have family that are in my life so they are not around. My mother in law would help if she could and I love her for that.

It's so hard to talk to him sometimes. He has the mentality that he works and I stay at home with our daughter so therefore I can sleep "anytime I want" while he can't. Mind you in the next breath he tells me he wants to spend time with us but sitting on his iPad is not spending time with us.

Once he cools down I'll talk to him. He seems really out of his element lately and not really close. I don't know what's going on with him.

I do need help but I'll never ask for it. I feel if I have to ask him, it's more forced with him. I feel like this iPad is taking over his life.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/14/2013 23:17 PM

There was a time when I didn't think a little porn was a big deal but post A it would be a huge trigger for me. Objectively, I still think a little porn isn't a big deal in marriages where infidelity is not an issue. I think a lot of porn would be an issue in most marriages. So, I can see how the escalation in porn use would be a problem, especially since it has been a problem in the past.

I guess it would be like other addictions. My WH is an alcoholic. There was a time when we could enjoy a nice bottle of wine together. Now, I catch him with alcohol on his breathe the poop will hit the fan. If he has a porn addiction he thought he could control through moderation he is apparently wrong. Obviously it is a problem for him since it is effecting his marriage and he is still doing it.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 11:46 PM, June 14th (Friday)]

Nature_Girl posted 6/14/2013 23:29 PM

Clearly porn IS a problem now. There's nothing wrong with changing your mind about something when new information presents itself. You have new information. New circumstances. A new family member.

This is about more than that, though. It seems like your WH is overwhelmed with new responsibilities and is shirking/avoiding them, rather than stepping up to the plate to meet them with you as an equal partner.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/15/2013 00:18 AM

I stay at home with our daughter so therefore I can sleep "anytime I want" while he can't

He on the other hand sleeps and naps during the day so he is very well rested

Your WH's attitude irritates the hell out of me. Maybe you should leave him home with the baby and the puppy and a 'list/timeline' of daily chores to do so that he can get a small taste of what being a SAHM is like.

Your WH sounds like a chauvinstic jerk. But maybe I'm misreading this and letting my own personal situation impinge on you. I never imagined that I would be a SAHM. I graduated from college and I wanted to have a 'career'...but then I got married and I *supported* my husband in his career choices. His choices included a lot of travel and enough money that we could survive without me I stayed at home to raise the kids. But it ended up coming back to bite me in the ass because my stbx thought that I was riding the gravy train. When I line-itemed out for him just exactly how 'taxing' the days were for me.....his response was that "I was a mom and that was my job". He didn't appreciate how difficult it was to manage the household. And actually, managing the house and the kids wasn't really all that was just the 24/7 level of responsibility that sucked.

As a SAHM, there is no down-time. You can't just *vapor* and take your lunch or a break. There is no overnight there is for a person with a 'normal' work schedule.

As for your WH....chores/family responsibilities first, and THEN he can touch his stupid ipad.

TrustGone posted 6/15/2013 00:46 AM

I think the porn is a big deal for you and you are just not admitting it to yourself. I used to think porn was no big deal either. Just a little fantasy fun every now and then. Then it got to where everytime we had sex he put on a porn video. That's about the time his LTA started.

I have since been very opposed to porn. I think my spouse being an alcoholic and the porn lead him to want to try and reinact the stupid fantascies he sees on the porn videos. He also has hundreds of porn pictures on his phone that I discovered after he became transparent. When I asked him why he would put something like that on his phone he stated he just liked to look at the pictures and he saw nothing wrong with it. He said all the men do it. I responded with well all the men didn't screw around on their wives with a nasty slut for 3yrs and why would you be looking at porn pictures when you are at work. He has since curbed his porn watching, but I still catch him doing it late at night when he thinks I am asleep. Luckily he is not a computer guy so I don't have to worry about him joining websites to find women like others on here have done. His LTA was with an old GF he knew before we met.

Anyway, with that said, I think anytime that we are cheated on it gives us an inferiority complex. Especially to the young women on porn sites that have the fake bodies. I think with having a new baby and all that goes with it that your husband needs to step up to the plate. If porn or anything else is interferring with family time, you need to address it with your spouse. No, he may not like it, but at least you have told him you are having issues with it. (((HUGS)))

AgainandAgain posted 6/15/2013 07:25 AM

Thank you all for the replies.

From time to time he will help. 2 nights ago, I was feeling really sick. So he helped with the dog and he helped with our daughter but he eventually I woke up and I had to go help out. He loaded the dishwasher yesterday while I left for a while to go run a few errands. It's not much but he does help.

Thinking about it last night I think the porn is an issue only because it takes away from time with us. He works a weird schedule so he doesn't get alone time but you know what? I don't either. He wanted me to be a stay at home mother because he didn't want our daughter in daycare.

I feel really, really sad today. In fact, I feel like I want to cry but I can't because I don't want our daughter to get upset. He's resorting to his old way where he doesn't want to talk about things and he wants to just go to bed and ignore me. It's not helping. I'm feeling like I just want to run away and get away from him. How can he just sleep away soundly and I'm stuck wide awake and sad?

I appreciate everyone talking to me about this. I didn't know if I was overreacting. I say something is ok but I never set a time/amount on it.

He hasn't woken yet but I don't know how my day is going to go. I'm still feeling like crap.

JustWow posted 6/15/2013 08:05 AM

I have never had much tolerance for porn, so I really can't relate, so I was thinking of a substitute "vice", to try to parallel. Lets use beer....

I truly don't mind if H wants a beer after mowing the lawn. Wants to kick back and have a couple on a Friday night. Have a few at a party.

If he gets to having a sixpack after that lawn mowing. Drinking a few every night. Seeking out a party to have some. My gut aint liking this.

I bring it up to him. He gets sulky, defensive, ashamed thar I've noticed, and tells me I've never had a problem before so this is my problem, not his. Suddenly I'm seeing we have a problem in our house with the beer.

Porn is as addictive, if not more so than alcohol. The above beer story would probably not sit well with any of us - whether we were ever betrayed or not. But we were....

So what was a tolerable fantasy before maybe aint all that far from reality,,, and by the way it can be addictive, and if he hasn't gotten IC since his A, there is no reason to suspect he has acquired stronger/better/healthier coping skills to not let THIS fantasy interfere with reality. And he's clinging to it like a kid with a security blanket.

Even if you truly had no problem with it before, his defense of it, and lack of listening/empathizing with you probably feel pretty darn P.U.

And if you really are ok with it, try to define for you - what are the parameters under which it is ok now?

15 minutes twice a week?
only when DD is asleep?
Only soft core?
Does the history need to be available to you?

Why is it okay? Do you really not like it and are willing to tolerate a small amount, or do you REALLY not like it and are unwilling to swallow the tolerance pill post DDay?

Figure out where you stand and why, then set your boundary.

Pippy posted 6/15/2013 14:40 PM

In simple terms, porn can give him an unrealistic view of women in general. Porn viewers begin to subconsciously think "That's the way it's supposed to be - submissive YOUNG women who are there just to please a man."

When their standards are altered, they become "unhappy" with what they have at home and you can guess the rest. You have every right to dislike his porn use.

The other point is straight from the old book, "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars", which said that men are no mind readers. Women think they should "know" things without being told. They don't. If you can explain your main issues clearly, without him viewing it as nagging, he may see the light.

Ashland13 posted 6/15/2013 14:52 PM

I would be concerned with the defensiveness on his part and wonder if he might be hiding anything else?

There is a view of porn viewing as a way to exert control. If you are talking about him watching it too often, he may be resentful that you are trying to control what he's doing-this could be his perspective and it might be skewed if he's already mad.

This happened with Perv and the narcissism part of all that went on. If I questioned anything he was "up to", he got defensive, but as things heightened with OW, he got downright irate. He gets her to do the stuff he saw, but saw me as a "mother figure".

It was almost comical when I asked him during false R, "I've never seen porn, will you show me? Why do you have to hide it from me?" He turned beat red and out came a huge, "NO!"

But during false R, changed his tune one day.

I agree with the post that people can get a very skewed sense of reality and even forget that porn is acting.

It reminds me of a magazine at the supermarket lately. Did anyone see the one with celebrities, where some had make up and some did not?

And yes, it sounds like you maybe don't like it, Again and it's bothering you but not easy to admit. I was bothered by it after I found out because I couldn't figure out what was wrong with "us" but he did and it influenced him so very much.

Again, it stands out for me that you said WH got defensive when you questioned the habit lately. This is a small red flag for me.

inconnu posted 6/15/2013 18:28 PM

If I were you I would have an issue with the porn. Maybe not because of the sexual implications if that truly doesn't bother you, but because he's using porn as an escape from being part of his family. He's checked out, and then he's getting pissed at you for bringing it up.

He needs to grow the fuck up and be an adult, imo.

Athena1979 posted 6/15/2013 22:24 PM

I used to not be concerned with the porn.

Until the porn sites got him hooked up with backpage. And the many, many, many, many, many prostitutes from there on.

Ashland is 100% right. Whenever someone gets defensive, there is something else going on.

Why didn't he just answer you, when you showed him his browser history, "wow! Didn't realize I did that much porn! But hey, I love you babe. I found this one sight and I would like us to try this tonight. Oh about I get up with the baby this time so you can sleep."

Instead, he bit your head off. Something's up. Start checking your call records and text messaging from him.

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