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Marley76 posted 6/14/2013 21:58 PM

I posted here last week when I found out my SO has been having PA with 2 women for about a year of our 3 years together. We raise children and share a home together. I love/Ed this man with my whole soul and he betrayed me and lied to me over and over. It's been about a week. We are still in the house together but he sleeps in another room. I can't move till July. It burns me to see him. I ran into him this morning and literally flinched. I have nightmares about it everytime I sleep...We are fighting or I am screaming. Sometimes I dream this whole thing is a nightmare.
And I'm trying to be peaceful too for the kids sake but I am PISSED and its eating me alive. I'm so angry I can't see straight.
He shows little remorse and he has only spoken to me to to ask how to pay the bills cause I did everything for him. He even seemed irritated that I am taking the fridge when I move. I told him I wish all I had to do was buy some new furniture. OMG. I've lost love, dignity, sanity. He says he is sorry and he just handles it differently. Even if he was sorry I would still leave. Life is too short for this bullshit excuse for a man.
We were in freaking love. It kills me he is a selfish sociopath. How could I have been so blind?
Tomorrow I pray and hope I can stifle this pain so I can start packing mine and my daughters stuff. I'm almost debilitated by these events.
You dear people and your heartbreaking stories and stories of hope have been my saving grace. Thank you.

BeautifulEmpty posted 6/15/2013 01:38 AM

My first thought, besides that I'm so sorry you are going through this, is if he asked me how to pay the bills, I'd tell him to figure it out himself. Or google it...or...there's an app or that...>.< my snarky self often intrudes even when I feel like I'm dying.
I applaud you for having the strength to stay in the house with him although if you have anywhere you can go, it's much easier. Assuming you don't, keep your chin up and disengage as much as possible.
It is awful finding out that you were the only one in your relationship...or rather, you thought you were in a relationship built for two but instead turned out to be what? Four? There is just no pleasant way to think about it but now you know what you are actually dealing with.
Get yourself tested, don't forget to eat nutrient dense food (not a bunch of junk), drink water and rest as much as you can. Focus on your kids and actively enjoy hobbies and friends that build you up. Find new things to do. This isn't easy to do but nothing is easy right now. One thing that really helped me was attending meditation classes. We have a local monastery that offers them for free so it's worth looking into although I really struggled at first because my mind wanted to instantly go to dark places.
I also worked really hard on being consciously grateful for literally anything and positive thinking in such a way that required me not dedicating any space to negativity. It wasn't remotely easy nor often successful but I discovered that much of my negative thoughts were just...him. There wasn't much negativity otherwise and little by little, I started breaking through.
Again, I am so sorry and all I can offer are little tidbits of things that helped me and may not apply to you at all other than the health related ones..everyone needs those:)
Your shock will lessen and your tears and pain will settle to a dull roar but that takes time. Anger or even rage will whip you around for awhile but even that will smooth out.
The most important part besides caring for yourself and children is to not allow him back ino your life unless he's remorseful and willing to do that hard work to heal things. You cannot love him into being a changed man. He has o o it himself. There's a lot of excellent information in the Healing Library here in the yellow box to the left at the top of the page.
Please read it if you haven't yet.

MovingUpward posted 6/15/2013 07:21 AM


Sounds like you have a direction and a target date to remove yourself from the situation. If you havent checked out the 180 ( you might want to as that might help keep you from becoming engage in fights with him. If he gets threatening or violent. Call the police or seek out help from a shelter. Do not stay in that element.

Sending good thoughts and mojo so that the days go back quickly until you can get into your own place.

Skan posted 6/15/2013 10:37 AM

Please make sure that you see a lawyer before you move out so that you know exactly what you are entitled to, for CS and SS. If he's truly a sociopath, you will want to get him served and your finances nailed down before he comes to the conclusion that he can start spending your marital assets on his nookie brigade OW. You'll want to get a credit card in your own name and cancel any joint ones as well.

Please do look up the 180 on the link given and live it until you leave. The only things you should be communicating with him are finances and child care arrangements. And you should work out a schedule for responsibility for the children times when he is in charge of them and when you are. When you are, leave. The kids are his to watch, you go and take a walk, see your friends, enjoy a hobby. That's part of being a single parent, he gets to deal with his children all by himself. Time to open his eyes up to the consequences of his actions. (((hugs)))

Marley76 posted 6/15/2013 15:03 PM

I've started packing today. Dissecting my life from his. They have been intertwined for so long. I feel like I am taking steps to move forward and for a moment the pity party is over. I've got music on and I'm dreaming of my new life. The one where I am not consumed with him. The one where I laughed and smiled and was peaceful. I miss that girl and I want her back! We weren't married and finances kept separate. My daughters are handling this surprisingly well. We've been through a divorce that was scary and painful. They know mommy will be okay. His son breaks my heart though. I know now this is a pattern for his dad to keep woman for 2-3years in lies and servitude. . I am the closest thing he's ever had to a mom because I love him so much. Sad how my STBXSO didn't think about this before he made these sick choices in his life.
He is quiet today but I am not. I'm packing my stuff with my head held high. The 180 and my (however faked) self confidence will be his true punishment. Day by day and by the grace of God my friends <3

ErinHa posted 6/16/2013 18:47 PM

So glad you have found strength in this forum, the people here literally saved my life at the lowest point (almost 10 years ago!) and it's filled with people who know exactly how this feels.

I admire your strength to know that you are not willing to live with what has will continue to be strong. Sounds like you've been through a lot and your kids are number are too so take care of yourself too!

Keep your head high and build that new life!

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