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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: Send a letter to the OW - any non-disastrous stories?
CatchyUsername
♀ 39415
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi! I really think a lot about what I would say to the OW. WH has been NC since DD and did a NC (kinda) letter. I know everyone says it is a terrible idea but is there anyone at all that did it without disastrous results?

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
Yakamishi
♂ 38230
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I meet OM face to face. Couple of times actually. All he did was deny it happened. Said they were"just friends".

Save your breath. You'll be happier for it.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a bad idea all around. Don't dig for an exception as your ticket to do it. Trust us and our experience.

I know exactly how you feel. I felt that way. Being a couple years out now, I can easily say how glad I am I didn't try to contact her. Speaking your mind to the OW isn't going to be the release your brain is promising you.

(((Catchy)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 10:46 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18702 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
HardenMyHeart
♂ 15902
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC = No new hurts

R is a time to focus on healing and repairing your marriage. Do you really want to risk bringing the OW back into your life? NC is another way of telling the OW that she no longer means anything.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5764 | Registered: Aug 2007
CatchyUsername
♀ 39415
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is the thing. WH has realized that HE is the one that had no meaning to her. At all. They were not in love, just fuck buddies - it lasted 3 months and during the last month she actually started telling him about other people she was having sex with - and he says now that he got the feeling there was even more. I don't think she would want back in. She has made NO attempt to contact him.

Everyone here says "don't do it - i didn't and I am glad that I didn't but I have yet to hear from anyone that did it in a circumstance where there was NC. What is that experience? The only stories I have seen if from folks that were in an active tug-o-war for the WS.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
standingonmarble
♀ 31217
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine got used too. This shame is his to carry, not mine. Your WH is feeling the shame of his A and being used? Good I say and don't think that telling her off will help this. This pain/shame he feels by this realization about OW should keep him true. This is his cross to bear now. Nothing you can say will change anything.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2011
LivinginLimbo
♀ 35004
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent an email on D-Day. Since she was a stranger to me, I did let her know that via the emails I read to that point, I knew where she worked. I also gave her my opinion of her as a mother and as a person. I then let her know she's fortunate that I put our children first and that she was to stay away from my family. She never responded. I have no doubt she's afraid of me and what I can do.

Unfortunately, she did continue to make contact with my H. That finally ended when he had an attorney send a letter stating there will be legal repercussions if she doesn't stop.

I guess it's a mixed bag. Did I scare her? No doubt. Did it deter her from contacting her "best friend?" Unfortunately no. Still, I have no regrets.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1068 | Registered: Mar 2012
CatchyUsername
♀ 39415
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LivingInLimbo - Sounds like you have a similar experience - perhaps just wanting to "speak your peace". I have drafted a letter. It is not name calling. It is kind of like what one would say if they knew the situation and actually cared about her but knew the situation in detail. Because I believe that every human has value - even if they have not yet realized it.

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
LonelyHusband
♂ 34145
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did it.

I started by being honest with him. Telling him I was devastated (which was true). I told him he was helping destroy my family and home (which was true). I told him that he had betrayed our friendship (which was true). I reminded him that I was trained to hunt people (which I am). I told him that he was living on a knife edge (which was true) and that the only thing likely to keep him from waking up duct taped to his bed and on fire was NC with my wife (which , shamefully, was also true for a while. Rage is an awful thing). I was calm, polite, but very explicit about what would happen to him if he didn't back off. I did this really so that I would always know I couldn't do it in reality. The letter would always exist as evidence. I was that close to doing something terrible.

Didn't even slow him down, and he'd known me in the military and was fully aware of the risk he was taking. The affair went on at Warp Factor 9. Strangely that hurt me too.

Save your breath. Save your ink. NC - No new hurts.

oh, and Jrazz is right. You are just hunting for an exception so that you can psychologically justify doing it. I get it. It's a BS thing. We all did it If 10,000 people say don't do it and one person says do it, you'll go with the 1 because that's even though you know you shouldn't do it, it's what you WANT to do.

This site would be an awful lot smaller if people just did what they SHOULD do rather than what they WANT to do.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 8:30 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Daisy312
♀ 36813
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent one, and it felt good. I think ow was selfish and immature and I wanted her to know the extent of the damage they caused me. I was civil but honest. I told her about my H's depression, the horrible birth experience, lack of bonding with my newborn, my 3 year old asking why I was so sad, me wanting to commit suicide, my H wanting to commit suicide, etc... I wanted to know that she knew what the did to me and my children! I sent it with no expectations, and she didn't respond which is what I figured she would do. I felt relief though.

Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2012
hobbeskat
♀ 38805
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. I got a self pitying fauxpology which made things so much harder for me.

Posts: 309 | Registered: Mar 2013
DecadeCentrifuge
♂ 39406
Member # 39406
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I discussed the A with them in person.

My xWW's first two OMs were far more remorseful than she ever was (the third one, not so much). The second one turned out to be a very cool guy who was thoroughly deceived, so we had that in common. We occasionally chat online and I wish we had met under different circumstances.

Strange days.


Me: BH - Happily Remarried, but dealing with old stuff

I'm losing my mind in a bedroom with a ghost
and I'm losing my mind in a bottle while I choke
I stayed years with you, no one knows (but I want them to).
Thought Industry


Posts: 44 | Registered: May 2013
tryinginmi
♀ 29358
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forced her to meet with me in person by threatening to make a scene at work for her if she did not meet. It is actually one of the proudest moments of my life. We sat and talked, and I gave her my written letter. I behaved like a true lady through the entire meeting. At the time I thought it was "only" an EA.

I am glad I did it only because of my own behavior. It did not change anything. It did not help my marriage. It did not bring the truth out. They were still lying and took the A underground. I had pride in myself because I spoke my mind. I did not back down. I did not get hysterical and throw a fit. This all took place right after DD1, four weeks before DD 2. This was also before NC was established.

I'm not sure I would suggest going back if NC has been established. It seems like you would be inviting the AP back into your life.


Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 1013 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
Bobbi_sue
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC - No new hurts.
I don't agree with this no matter how often I hear it on this forum. Sometimes it might mean no new hurts, other times, it means an open wound never gets closed.

I sent the OW a letter and I'm very glad I did, and have NO REGRETS about it, and no disatrous results. If anything, I know she fears me and I like it that way.


Everyone here says "don't do it - i didn't and I am glad that I didn't but I have yet to hear from anyone that did it in a circumstance where there was NC. What is that experience?
I'm not sure what you mean by NC here, no continuing contact between my H and the OW? He was not in contact with her but she continued to try to contact him, with blubbering bawling voice mails, begging him to see her again. These were left on an abandoned Tracfone he had given to me. If he had been in contact with her, she would have known NOT to call that phone.

This is what prompted me to send copies of her actual voicesmails to her H, and to send her a letter to give her a little piece of my mind, and make sure she understood she'd be facing legal consequences if she tried to contact either my H or I again.

Don't dig for an exception as your ticket to do it
I agree with this to a point; I don't want my experience to say that anybody should or should not write a letter. I think everyone really needs to look at their own circumstances and decide what to do based on these circumstances.

I also don't buy into the idea this makes the OP "feel important." They already feel important and they might feel even more smug when we don't confront. But either way, I do not see it as a relevent factor in this decision, to worry about whether it will make the OP "feel important."

If you decide to send a letter, my only advice is don't include any threats (other than a promise THEY will face legal consequences if they try to pull any further stunts or contact). Don't include vulgar language. Be blunt and to the point, but DON'T be nice about it, either. I would not talk about the damage done to my family, or to me. I realize they don't care about that and never will.

However they do care when you point out how pathetic they are, backed up with a few facts. For example, if your H told you something personal that would be embarassing and disgusting, I would make sure the OP knew you knew about that. I pointed out to the OW that she must have absolutely no self-respect to keep repeatedly throwing herself at a married man who had rejected her.

I did use the word "Homewrecker" in my letter but nothing stronger than that. Yes, I feel very good about sending that letter, almost 6 years ago. I have seen her out and about a few times since then and ever time, I sense she fears what I will say or do, and can't get away fast enough. I love having this power over her, and I don't have to say a word. This is just my experience.


Posts: 5793 | Registered: Apr 2006
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did it, I don't regret it. I did it with no expectation of a response. I sent the letter along with a watch his lta gave him which is smashed into a thousand pieces. That was AP#2. No response, no regrets.

AP#1 did respond with some answers (I asked for them) and some lies. That hurt.

AP#3 responded with an apology. It hurt at first, but I've gotten closure now.

I don't regret contacting any of them.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
CatchyUsername
♀ 39415
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all that have responded. I still don't know what I am going to do, but it is good to know that the decision is not as cut and dry as it seems.

Oh, and by NC I mean WH has not contacted her and AP has not contacted him. In fact she dropped him as soon as I found out. Just moved some her other fuck buddies into a more frequent rotation I guess.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
StrongerOne
♀ 36915
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the one I sent her (work and personal email, husband;s work email, and on paper to home address and work address for both her and her BH). Her BH is a lawyer, so I'm sure that had a lot to do with why we heard only one tiny peep from her a couple months later, in a work email. Very very successful. Too bad my fWH didn't have the cajones to send it himself, but I did

***
Do not come to our house ever again. If you do, I will immediately call: 1. Your husband, 2. The police, 3. My lawyer.

When you decided to come to our house last week, did you even bother to think that our son might be there? That your presence would cause an 11-year-old boy terrible pain and sadness? And it has. He is not a stupid child. He knows exactly what is going on, now.

Stay off our property. Do not even step on the driveway. And do not go anywhere that is remotely near our child.
***

I had previously sent her a pathetically nice email soon after D Day, asking to meet with her. That was before I found SI. Did NOT work -- she "broke up" with my fWH after that, but then "couldn't help going back to his friendship". Sigh.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 905 | Registered: Sep 2012
Myheartstillhurt
♀ 32430
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, since OW was my BFF, I had a lot of contact with her following dday.

I got the last word both in a phone conversation and a text.

Wish I had never let her see that side of me. She knew I was completely devastated and broken and that she had succeeded in ruining my marriage and everything I had built for myself.

In your case, what exactly is the point? She didn't care about your husband so do you really think she will care if you tell her anything at all? If you send her an email telling her all the awful things you have experienced it only serves to show her that she made a difference in your life.

That is rewarding to an OW.

You give her the time of day, and she knows she made an impact. Maybe you want to tell her all the things your husband thinks of her? She doesn't care, especially since she dropped him like a hot potato and moved on. You want to tell her what an awful person she is? She may only rebut with all the things your H said, or make up lies, or laugh at you and your attempts to make her feel bad.

She doesn't feel bad. And NOTHING you say to her will make her feel bad either.

There is really nothing you can do other than show her you are her allowing to live in your marriage by giving her the time of day. I know it is not 100% (as others have commented that they do not regret their contact), but most do. I would go with the majority on this one. Otherwise, you will likely be one of those telling a new BS in a year not to do it.


BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Reality
♀ 39077
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've spoken with all (I think) of the OWs. In our case, most of the contact was on-line/texts: the last two of the women were completely on-line contacts, with the first an ex-girlfriend that lived back east, and the second a married co-worker my husband saw at work.

None of them knew that he was married with children when they started their relationships with him. He had lied to them about pretty near everything.

I spoke with the ex-girlfriend and the co-worker over a couple days right after the first DD. The ex-girlfriend was really upset and very betrayed that he had not told her he was married when they reconnected. She apologized to me over and over and said she wanted nothing to do with him again. She meant it and didn't try to contact him again.

After I spoke with the co-worker, she tried to contact him again and sent a long and pretty weird email talking about how he was "trying too hard to be someone he wasn't." She was definitely invested in keeping and fostering some metaphysical "bond."

The last two, who he knew completely on-line, I spoke with through emails over the course of the week following DD#2. The only wrath raising moment from them was at the beginning when I said his actions looked like this was an addictive behavior that sprang up in especially stressful times, and one of them said that she felt really bad that my husband was so stressed and she would have offered to "role-play" something with him to help, had she known.

WTH?

When I explained that he had done it all before, her being sympathetic dried up pretty quickly.

I was polite and gave information in all of the cases. Of the three, and the only one he was interacting with in person, she was obviously gunning for him - had introduced herself, was the one that sought him out, was married, tried to keep connected to him - and did try to contact him again after I spoke with her.

The rest were solid with the NC once they knew the situation.

I would make the same choices, if I were to go through it again, concerning the other women. I got a lot of information from three of the four. Luckily, none of them were mentally unbalanced or hostile, just really REALLY disconnected from the reality of what was going on - which was his fault, not theirs. Fantasy relationships, oy.

I think it matters WHY you are contacting them. I was contacting them because I knew my husband's behavior was destructive to everyone involved and I couldn't take the thought that other people were being lied to like I was. I wasn't out for blood, but to minimize damage. Even if they had been manipulative and hostile, that's information, too, that would have helped me see more of the picture.




Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
sri624
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i contacted the ow...told her off...you know..all of that. i even reported the affair to her bosses at the gym she worked at....my wh was a paying member there. it was something i had to do at the time. in looking back...i know i still would have done that.

but it didnt make me feel any better later, you know? i still hurt deeply. and trying to talk to her was worthless. yes, i got some answers, but i also got lies....they will never tell you the full truth. never.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Topic Posts: 21
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