"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

ButterflyGirl posted 6/15/2013 00:03 AM

I'm so darned frustrated. I feel like all the lies will never end.. I found out a few weeks ago that my SIL had unfriended me on Facebook. She had kept me for so long, and I was tempted to ask her why, but I didn't..

I know I shouldn't have, but since his Facebook is public, I looked at it and saw that 9 people posted him happy birthday messages (including MOW telling him, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUCKA!!!!!!" Classy right? And another married ho-worker he admitted to only "kissing" and an EA, but they stopped since they knew it was wrong. Well duh, and probably another lie). Then I see SIL posted some long happy birthday speech telling him how much she loves him and he's a great man and father and "don't let all this bullshit ruin your day or any other day." I'm assuming she's talking about our mediation earlier this week that ended with no agreement and a trial date set for the end of July. I know I shouldn't reach out to her, but I just want to scream from the rooftops that he's a lying NPD asshole, and I want everyone to know it! All the lies he spews at me in emails, the ones I keep rolling my eyes at, I'm now realizing are what he's telling his family, MOW, everyone. It's complete bull!!

They were my family for so long, and it just hurts to have these people I cared about so much not even think to ask me if what he is saying is true. He keeps playing this "poor me" card, and he makes himself out to be a victim when he's the abusive one! It's so crazy making, and I feel like I'm living in a dream world and don't know how to get out..

Apparently he doesn't tell everyone how he owes me thousands in back child support, he's STILL trying to hide his pension plan, he puts the kids in the middle of everything, he's a sick twisted fuck who abuses the children under the premise of "horseplay," he's on his fourth financial affidavit, lowering his hours and income every time, he's letting our house go into foreclosure, he hasn't cleaned the house or mowed or pulled weeds or anything, and I'm guessing his family has no clue that MOW is there every damn time he has the kids. I bet they don't even know that he had involved the kids for over a year with her and had them lie to me about it and keep it a secret. I'm never gonna get over that one..

I guess I should be more thankful for my new lawyer. He really gets the situation and understands what I'm dealing with. I guess it's because I keep forwarding all our emails and texts to him, so he sees what's going on.. And he filed 3 motions including contempt against STBX today. I just really need all this to matter.. Maybe I will get my wish of completely exposing him, especially given the fact that I've kept everything to text and email and refused to talk on the phone or see him in person. And I'm betting he deletes his texts to me right after he sends them. I'm sure he can't risk MOW seeing the truth..

He actually left mediation on Tuesday and emailed me later that the kids are sad because of what I'm doing, and I was like WHY DO THE KIDS KNOW??? He's constantly accusing me of putting them in the middle, but he just fucking put them there! Again! I have like 20 texts and emails where he admits to telling them stuff they shouldn't know, like how he's dating someone, how he's spent so much money on a lawyer, how it's "okay" for him to change the schedule through my son.. I guess I should be thankful he's so stupid to keep admitting it (while giving me bullshit reasons why it's my fault), but I wish it wouldn't happen in the first place.. My poor kids are being put through the ringer. I don't want to tell them too much, but I just have to correct them when they are upset with me because of his lies.

He was also dicking me around about what time to pick them up after mediation, so I brought my dad to get them (who stayed in the car and said and did nothing), and then STBX texted him and my mother all these atrocious messages calling them hypocritical Christians and cursing them out and then calling my dad a "chicken shit" for not responding. His lack of appreciation for my parents and all the times they helped us over the last decade is so unbelievable. But I forwarded screenshots of those texts to my lawyer, and he emailed me back, "Wow. Excellent for you."

Divorcing a personality disordered person is truly a lot harder than I thought. I guess I have to wait till the end of July to expose him, but I don't want to wait one more second. I'm so sick of people pitying him when they have no idea how he has been treating me..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 1:05 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 6/15/2013 01:06 AM

Divorcing a personality disordered person is truly a lot harder than I thought

A-freaking-men. I think that there was a small part of me that knew what a total nightmare divorcing Sultan was going to be and I was trying so damn hard to not have to deal with it....to no avail, of course. At 9am I'll get messages that tell me that he loves me, and he's miserable and how awful he fucked everything up....and then at 3pm the messages have morphed into me being a controlling, greedy bitch and I should go to hell.

At least your SIL was up-front enough to actually unfriend you. My SIL just restricted my access to her page because she kept posting pictures that were getting Sultan in 'trouble.' Apparently she doesn't have the balls to actually unfriend me. Moron.

And the same thing family-wise. I've known Sultan's family for half of my life but none of them ever bothered to reach out to me during all of this shit. My father died in the midst of this shitstorm and only 2 of his family members 'condolence' called me. His grandma (who died last summer) and his brother's wife.

Victim, victim, victim. Gonna's divorcing me, woe is me!!! Never mind the fact that the fucker has a girlfriend (or 2 or 3 or 4)that he's involved with.

You just gotta get over the fact that your WH is gonna paint you as the asshole to everyone.

But BG, your WH takes crazy to a whole nuther level because he is an evil bastard to your kids. His *horseplay* games with them aren't funny.

I'm glad to see that you have a L that understands 'who' he's dealing with. It will end eventually. You will finally get to be done with this guy and not have to deal with him anymore....

caregiver9000 posted 6/15/2013 01:36 AM

(((BG)))

You have to find a way to live in YOUR world and stop peeking at his. His world is fantasy and none of the characters are your friends. Stop reading and looking at the script!!

It hurts. It is physically sickening to know that the betrayal of who we are continues in the lies and the slander of our character. You are right to defend yourself to your children. I hope he pays legally for the poison he spews to them.

But the rest of it... shore yourself up. Fight the good fight. Be indignant. You are strong and almighty resourceful because you have already survived this far!! Divorcing a disordered person IS hell but you are doing it!! Just keep on keepin on.

(((hugs)))

crazynot posted 6/15/2013 02:39 AM

I'm very worried about what you say about the 'horseplay'... if there's something funny happening, you need to stop his access to the kids and inform the police at once.

vcr1995 posted 6/15/2013 07:12 AM

Whatever happened at the therapist and Dr. About his red butt game?

[This message edited by vcr1995 at 7:13 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]

sparkysable posted 6/15/2013 07:36 AM

I totally get the in-law thing. That was the hardest for me to get over, the way they turned against me as if I never existed, and were so welcoming and accepting of the OW, after they swore that she would never be allowed at their house ever, etc. I found out XWH is telling his family all sorts of things about me, that they are believing.

Maybe it's easier to accept the lies than to see the truth about the disgusting human being that their brother/son actually is.

roughroadahead posted 6/15/2013 09:12 AM

Please call CPS on your stbx if you haven't already. Show the court you have taken action. The worst thing would be to bring it before the court at trial and then appear complicit because you did not act when it first came to your attention.

Kajem posted 6/15/2013 10:01 AM

Butterflygirl,

One day it will end. Another day the truth will come out.

I hear you on his family. My X's family treated me better than my own did. I was more than a DIL to them. When the marriage imploded, they gave me money to hire my attorney. At some point XH and NW made the relationship with IL's conditional upon IL's having nothing to do with me. It hurt more than I can put into words.

10 years later, thru a series of events,They have come to see how manipulative he is. The IL's are back in my life as friends. They have little to no contact with XH and NW. And a lot more contact with their 4 granddaughters and great granddaughter.

His parents really struggled at first with him showing them his true colors. Like we all did. But he has not changed the colors of his spots so they are getting used
to seeing him for who he is. And they are choosing not to voluntarily sign up for being a toxic lab rat.
His loss is my family's gain. It feels right.

The truth does come out.... trust in that.

Hugs,

K

ButterflyGirl posted 6/15/2013 13:08 PM

I was able to get the boys in to see their therapist this morning. I spoke to her at the beginning and raised my concerns; and from what the boys tell me about the session today, they told her about it.

I also spoke with my friend who works with DCF doing home visits, and she said she doesn't really think it's enough yet to do anything about, especially since the children don't seem traumatized or upset by it.

But I think that's part of the problem. They should be upset by it! I think it's part of the grooming behavior, making them think it's funny, when it's not.

My lawyer thinks it's best if the therapist or doctor makes the call to DCF, especially given how contentious things have been, and he's worried about me being accused of making false or unnecessary reports. He also thinks we have tons of other evidence and a very good chance at him getting minimal visitation, so he would rather we don't get DCF involved at this point.

I guess I'm feeling that unless I know DCF will take action, then I don't think reporting it to them is a good idea yet, but I'm doing the best I can talking to the kids about it and getting the activities documented by professionals..

I guess I'm very nervous as well since STBX is so manipulating, and he was successful at having the kids lie to me before and keep secrets, so I'm worried that if I report it now and nothing happens, he will start forcing them to keep even more things secret, which is the last thing I want..

This has been so tough for me, and I definitely don't want to be complicit about it, but I'm trying to do the smartest thing here to protect my kids. If the doctor and therapist don't see a need to report it, then I'm just nervous about the outcome if I do it..

ButterflyGirl posted 6/15/2013 16:28 PM

Change of plans. I'm about to call DCF. Pray for me please..

Nature_Girl posted 6/15/2013 16:53 PM

Whatever it is, Girl, I'm praying for you and thinking strong Mama Bear thoughts for you & protection for your babies.

Bravenewgirl posted 6/15/2013 17:13 PM

I am not usually the praying type, but for this, I'll make an exception.

We are all pulling for you and the kids.

peridot posted 6/15/2013 17:58 PM

I said a prayer for you. They may not do anything at first but those little things add up after a while and they will do something. CPS has a lot more they can do than the court system.

Even if your in laws know the truth they may never stick up for you and the kids. More than likely they will always stand behind him. It's a rare exception when an ex in-law stands up for BS or the kids.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/15/2013 19:48 PM

{{{{BG}}}}