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LearningToFly posted 6/15/2013 00:54 AM

I posted a question a few days ago. It had to do with what helps in reconciling. One of the topics was about his keeping the girlfriend on his facebook page.

I had been waiting for him to take her off on his own. I had mentioned that he still had her there but wanted him to be proactive in showing me that he was serious about reconciliation by removing her without me requesting it. Instead he said he never goes there anymore so it wasn't a problem.

With the comments on my last question, I went ahead and took the risk of specifically asking him to remove her. He once again said that he never goes there and he just wants to move on. He asked, why is it a big deal when he isn't contacting her and he isn't checking her FB page? He had a defensive/frustrated tone in his voice. I tried to explain it was for me not him or her. I would feel safer if she was removed. There is no way I can know if he is checking the page or not. I am not with him all the time. He has lied to me many times after he said he ended the affair. His response was not empathic at all. I felt that I was making a big deal out of nothing in his eyes. I asked if I could just remove her. He agreed but it was obvious that he was offended. He ended up saying he was just going to delete the whole account since he never goes there anymore. I told him that I wasn't asking for that. I just wanted him to show me he was serious about R by blocking her. He ended up deleating the whole account anyway. I felt like he was overreacting and minimizing my request at the same time. We talked a long time about it but I came away still feeling misunderstood and like my feelings are not important to him. The emotion he kept saying he felt was frustration. Why does he say he wants our marriage to work yet doesn't understand that I need to feel safe for it to work in a healthy way? I don't think I am asking too much.

IGaveItMyAll posted 6/15/2013 01:26 AM

No you aren't asking for too much. It's really frustrating when there is something that bothers you and they get defensive. Makes you feel like they don't get it or just want to get past it. Totally sucks!! I know how you feel.

catlover50 posted 6/15/2013 05:01 AM

Your request was more than reasonable and his response was beyond unhelpful.

In fact red flag unhelpful. I'm so sorry. Are you in MC?

LearningToFly posted 6/15/2013 11:38 AM

Im so discouraged.

We aren't in marriage counseling anymore. We had been before I knew about the affair and stopped last August. My H continued to go for IC. Its a long story why but no one but my husband knew about the affair. When the A came out in March, I asked him to tell the counselor and he did. We went to counseling as a couple for three visits and decided it would be best to get a new MC so that H could work on his issues without divided loyalties. Its my job to find the MC. I have been stalling because it seems like H is not truly remorseful about how he hurt me. I think he is sorry he did it but it doesn't have anything to do with my pain. I wanted to be sure that he would put out effort for us as much as I do. I am in IC too.

Anyway, he has a lot of hidden anger and bitterness toward me. He feels I am abusive in my speech. Yesterday I know I was not. I tried to be fair and calm when I asked him to delete her. He minimized my request, challenged its necessity, and was offended when I tried to explain that it wasn't for him or her...it was for me, so that I could feel safe. I saw no compassion in his eyes. He reacted by completely deleting the whole FB account.

He says he wants to save our marriage, that he sees "potential" for us, yet it doesn't seem like he can put himself in my place at all. This was a problem before the affair, actually throughout our marriage of 28 years. I never believed in D except for physical abuse, continuing infidelity, or drugs or alcohol. He is passive and doesn't want to be the bad guy but I think he really wants out. He seems to be giving some effort but not enough, as if he wants to be able to tell himself he tried and it just didn't work out. I don't feel safe or secure at all.

SisterMilkshake posted 6/15/2013 11:47 AM

When I make a request from my FWH he would oftentimes get defensive or not understand.

I would then have to turn it around and say "How would you feel if I had fucked someone else whilst married to you, but I wanted to keep him on my FB page?". The light bulb goes on for him then.

My FWH is so used to just thinking how things effect him that he doesn't automatically put himself in my place. He is getting much better about this, but sometimes I still have to turn it around for him to understand how something could be hurtful to me.

I don't feel you made an unreasonable request. I feel his reaction was unreasonable. I really don't get a feeling that your WH is all in on reconciliation.

cuppacoffee posted 6/15/2013 11:52 AM

The husband did the same thing. He deleted FB for 3 weeks and then when he went back it took him a day to finally delete her. I told him I know he'd be ready to r when he did. Now it took two days and a few reminded to delete the pix of the two of them fr work. The other day I calle him at work to talk about something she posted on his way last year and he said I could delete whatever I want from his page.
I think he thought he could be FB frinds with her and if he didn't talk to her it was okay but I told him that the message it sends her is that it was okay and well it's not.
Good luck.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/15/2013 11:56 AM

I never believed in D except for physical abuse, continuing infidelity, or drugs or alcohol. He is passive and doesn't want to be the bad guy but I think he really wants out.

Judging by his continued contact with OW and refusal to cut her out, I would bet that you are completely right that he wants out and he knows that the only way you'll go along with it is by "continued infidelity", so he's making that happen.

LearningToFly posted 6/15/2013 13:31 PM

I must be hiding in the fog because I don't want to do what I have to to start over. I'm so scared. He has always seemed clueless. How do I know that he isn't just emotionally stupid again? I don't want to give up if there is any hope.

kansas1968 posted 6/15/2013 13:42 PM

Well, it is always scary to end a marriage, especially one of long duration. It just depends on what you are willing to settle for. If you can tolerate the possibility that he will continue to cheat, but stay married to you, then you can do that. He is still in the fog, is having no consideration for your feelings, and if that is OK and you can live with that, then let it go.

On the other hand, if you want a husband that you know truly loves you, would die for you, and values you, then you need to find out if he is that guy. The only way to do that is the 180 and the very real threat (from you) of a divorce.

Let him know that you do not appreciate how he is treating you and his disregard and disdain for your feelings is unacceptable, start the 180, see a lawyer for advice and to protect yourself financially in the event of a divorce, and let him know you saw a lawyer. You can tell him outright, or leave the lawyers card laying around so he can see it.

If he loves you, that should shake him out of the fog. If not, then you just have to decide what you can tolerate.

So, so, sorry that he has done this to you. Worst pain in the world. Hugs.

sisoon posted 6/15/2013 16:58 PM

I felt like he was overreacting and minimizing my request at the same time.

You were right there when it happened, so you're the best judge of what he was doing, but my sense is the same - deleting his FB account was just brushing you off.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm really sorry you're scared. I felt a lot of scare, too, and I think it's pretty common, and I hope that gives you some comfort. Just remember you can think clearly and act in your own best interests even while you're scared.

My guess is that your H is using his lack of empathy to manipulate you. You must understand: he betrayed you, so there's something screwy with him. He's got to get himself straight with you, with himself, and with the world to be worth much as a partner. If he isn't willing to do the work, what do you need him for?

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:59 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]

fourever posted 6/15/2013 17:33 PM

If you don't set the rules, it will not stop. He gets to continue to do whatever he wants.
No way I'd allow my fwh to have a Facebook or any social media. Uh, not happening.
If he refused, he'd be out on the curb, at the same time I was dialing the attorney.

I think you really need to lay down the law. Pull up your Bitch Boots, (they are hiding in your closet just waiting for you), and kick his preverbal ass. This doesn't stop until you make it stop.

He's being disrespectful, and you have every right to demand that he works on repairing the damage his selfishness caused. You need to feel safe, and I hear you, you are scared to death. Get tough, today.

LearningToFly posted 6/15/2013 19:56 PM

WH is going to IC. His IC (our past MC) suggested that I print out all the emails exchanged and bring them in so that WH and he could go over them. I am not invited and my IC said that that is a good thing. I have spent HOURS copying emails into word, separating out the multiples, organizing them by date. It will take 5 notebooks for all of them. I am hoping the his IC will challenge him to see the obvious. WH is very good at rewriting history and leaving out details that point to responsibility for himself. I wonder how he is going to get around the obvious statements he made to his OW.

He wrote that he never loved me and he is so unhappy with us, that he is abused, that he is trapped, and on and on. Its not true! I am really hoping that for once he won't get away with playing the All American and Apple Pie Guy with a Bi___y wife who everyone sees as so wonderful, kind and gentle. That he will have to face himself and grow up. I don't want to break up our family if he can just see who he really is begin to head toward what he says he is or wants to be.

I will continue to work on myself. I have spent my whole life taking care of everyone but myself. It is not second nature to take care of myself. I am still learning and have far to go. Whether we stay together or separate, it will be good for me to learn who I am as an individual ourside of being a wife and mother.

BeyondBreaking posted 6/16/2013 11:44 AM

My ex did the same thing with one chick he cheated with. We literally had the same conversation:
"Please remove that girl from your friends."
"You're making a big deal out of nothing. I won't go to her page, she never messages me. Just leave it alone, I don't want to cause drama."
"How is it causing drama if you remove her? She won't be able to contact you."
"You know what, FINE! I will just delete my whole page!" Left in a huff.

He was still very much in the fog.

Sounds like your WS is as well. Asking him to remove the OW or any woman that isn't directly related to him off of his FB page is not unreasonable. Him refusing to accommodate you is a huge red flag.

LearningToFly posted 6/16/2013 17:47 PM

I asked if I could remove her because I could see that she was sending messages to him through her posts. (I only understand that they are for him because of the emails I have read between them. No one else would be able to suspect what I see). He told me to just delete the whole account. I told him that I wasn't being "All or Nothing" I wasn't asking him to not have a facebook. I was being specific. I just didn't feel right about him keeping her as a friend because if he did happen to go to his page, her posts and pictures would be there for him to see. I deleted her and left the account up. Later he actually went to Goggle and learned how to delete his account, then followed through to do it. That is a lot of techie effort for my husband. He must have wanted to delete it really badly. I told him that by deleting the whole account, his girlfriend will never know that he actually deleted her. The whole account will be gone for everyone. So, he was still protecting her in my eyes. He had nothing to say to that.

Its weird, he says he wants to reconcile and I don't think he is in contact with her, yet I don't see much empathy towards me.

TXBW68 posted 6/16/2013 21:08 PM

Since I have the password due to full transparency, I just blocked her myself. Then told him I did it. I also took the liberty to delete pictures and messages that were inappropriate to me. Since he wasn't looking at FB And he wants to R, it shouldn't have been a lot of drama around your request.

Also, after DDay 2, I made him sit and listen to me as I read his nasty chats and emails. My husband cried and said he didn't want to hear that filth coming from my mouth. I reminded him that those were his words, not mine. He finally understood why I was do upset. You may want to try it instead of waiting for his IC to do it.

(hugs)

NoMorDeceit posted 6/16/2013 21:25 PM

He deleted the account to avoid hurting her. You are spot on. She will never know it was her. That he did not want her. For me that would be required. OW must be blocked in all ways and know she is nothing. Just disappearing does not send the same message as deleting her and updating his social media with great updates about his wife and kids.