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Should i move past the details of the past?

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numb13 posted 6/15/2013 02:31 AM

My wife cheated on me with a colleague and I found out by catching her sending texts on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day. It's now been over 5 months and we're trying to put things back together but the fact she cheated after 10yrs I can't reconile in my mind with the person she's trying to be now. I can't forgive and forget and so we'll have a couple good days but then some details of the A will pop into my head and I fixate on it and confront her all over again. After this long should I "let go" of what happened? Even though I'm stil really hurt and angry? Is it a sign that perhaps I should walk away and try to find someone new? I'm stuck in this cycle of getting along, making plans and then confronting, arguing etc. How have others got past this phase?

[This message edited by numb13 at 2:32 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]

OnAnIsland posted 6/15/2013 03:23 AM

No, you shouldn't be over it. You are too early in this process. Read here in the healing library. Read some books, talk and process here and in real life.

You need time to heal from this. To cry, scream, ask questions, etc. What are you doing to heal yourself? Are you in individual counseling? Is she? Are you in marital counseling?

What is your wife doing to make you feel safe? What is she doing to heal herself? To figure out why she was able to do this?

It sounds like you two are trying to rug sweep this. Does she expect you to be over it? Or is that coming from you?

My d day was also Christmas Day, but 2011. I can assure you that I still bring up my WH's A, when I have with questions or need to deal with issues. And we are both still in individual counseling.

Take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. It's okay to take your time to figure out what you want. It's okay to focus on yourself and your healing.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 3:24 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]

numb13 posted 6/15/2013 03:31 AM

We had marriage counselling - the first session she was secretly texting with the OM on her way there! Since it ended we had 3 sessions and the counsellor we saw encouraged a forward looking approach to not make the OM a 3rd person in our marriage and to make future plans and try not to dwell.

Bobbi_sue posted 6/15/2013 04:02 AM

My view is not necessarily in line with others, but I decided early on that I had to look at everything that I knew, and if nothing new and detrimental came out, I was going to decide whether I wanted to forgive my H and stay married to him. (If new information of lies, cheating, or whatever came out, this would likely mean instant reversal with a decision to D).

Based on his extreme remorse and his efforts to show me how he wanted to be a man who deserved me for his wife, I decided that I would stay with him. And I knew that meant we would never be happy if I didn't forgive him, so I had to work on that.

Early on, up through two or three months, I would periodically get raging mad at him and scream at him (one reason was because he could not remember the details or what they talked about, and I was frustrated he could not tell me these things). But that had to be part of my decision, all other things considered, did I want to stay married to this man? And so I conscientiously worked on shortening my rages, and getting through some uncomfortable times without raging at all, when I felt it coming on.

I tend to agree with your MC that people need to move forward rather than dwell so much on the past. Of course this only applies if your WS is extremely remorseful, as mine was/is.

My method worked very well for us, and we became closer than we have ever been before. We renewed our vows at 11 months (and I would not have done that if I didn't feel we were healed...I believe in marriage or vow renewal as a celebration of a decision to be together, not as some way to help an ailing relationship).

I'm stuck in this cycle of getting along, making plans and then confronting, arguing etc. How have others got past this phase?
I feel I got past that stage by making a very conscientious effort to stop those cycles of confronting and rage. I don't think five months is too early to do your part in trying to make this marriage better, faster, if you believe she is really remorseful. For me, remorse is the main ingredient for R, along with the BS's willingness to forgive it. Others believe it must take longer, but I don't think it has to be that way, and it wasn't that way for me. We are now going on 7 years out, and are closer than we have ever been.

numb13 posted 6/15/2013 04:42 AM

Thank you for taking the time to write a response, it really gives me something to think about (after just having had another blazing row - I'm so tired and sick of all this)

Daisy312 posted 6/15/2013 07:01 AM

((numb)) I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I'm so fixated on details and as soon as I let myself start thinking about it, I go through the same cycle of emotions. I get sad, angry, depressed, etc... My ic says to try and deal and then dismiss the thoughts. I'm one year out, but I still have days that feel just like we were going to mc and it was helping, but because of the lack of sitters we haven't been in awhile.. Good luck to you?

Skan posted 6/15/2013 12:00 PM

These cycles are very normal, especially in the first months-year. You really can only start to think about putting it behind you if and when your spouse is truly remorseful. Texting the OM is NOT a remorseful spouse and frankly, every bloody time that you find out that NC is broken, it sets you back to a minimum of day 1. Sometimes it puts you back further.

I had the "ideal" remorseful spouse. Got it day 1 and worked like a dog to do what was needed. Rarely put his foot wrong. And I was still raging 4 months out regularly. It started to taper then, but it still very occasionally occurs.

sisoon posted 6/15/2013 17:19 PM

A number of things got me through this phase.

First, my W was remorseful. She acknowledged her responsibility for her A (no blameshifting or gaslighting) - she accepted that she effed up and used IC to make changes. She went NC on D-day. These things were prereqs for R.

For myself, I let myself have my feelings of grief, anger, and fear. This was and remains basic to healing, because at best pain keeps coming up from the most unexpected triggers.

In addition - and this has been critical - I asked hours and hours of questions over several months. I continue to ask when I want an answer at 35 months out.

Your MC probably hasn't helped a lot of couples R. The A is in the past, of course. Your feelings, however, are very much in the present, and your best bet is to attend to them, at least IMO.

Is your W NC? Is om's number blocked? Is she in IC? How does she respond to your confrontations?

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