[This message edited by numb13 at 2:32 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]
You need time to heal from this. To cry, scream, ask questions, etc. What are you doing to heal yourself? Are you in individual counseling? Is she? Are you in marital counseling?
What is your wife doing to make you feel safe? What is she doing to heal herself? To figure out why she was able to do this?
It sounds like you two are trying to rug sweep this. Does she expect you to be over it? Or is that coming from you?
My d day was also Christmas Day, but 2011. I can assure you that I still bring up my WH's A, when I have with questions or need to deal with issues. And we are both still in individual counseling.
Take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. It's okay to take your time to figure out what you want. It's okay to focus on yourself and your healing.
[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 3:24 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
Based on his extreme remorse and his efforts to show me how he wanted to be a man who deserved me for his wife, I decided that I would stay with him. And I knew that meant we would never be happy if I didn't forgive him, so I had to work on that.
Early on, up through two or three months, I would periodically get raging mad at him and scream at him (one reason was because he could not remember the details or what they talked about, and I was frustrated he could not tell me these things). But that had to be part of my decision, all other things considered, did I want to stay married to this man? And so I conscientiously worked on shortening my rages, and getting through some uncomfortable times without raging at all, when I felt it coming on.
I tend to agree with your MC that people need to move forward rather than dwell so much on the past. Of course this only applies if your WS is extremely remorseful, as mine was/is.
My method worked very well for us, and we became closer than we have ever been before. We renewed our vows at 11 months (and I would not have done that if I didn't feel we were healed...I believe in marriage or vow renewal as a celebration of a decision to be together, not as some way to help an ailing relationship).
I'm stuck in this cycle of getting along, making plans and then confronting, arguing etc. How have others got past this phase?
I had the "ideal" remorseful spouse. Got it day 1 and worked like a dog to do what was needed. Rarely put his foot wrong. And I was still raging 4 months out regularly. It started to taper then, but it still very occasionally occurs.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
First, my W was remorseful. She acknowledged her responsibility for her A (no blameshifting or gaslighting) - she accepted that she effed up and used IC to make changes. She went NC on D-day. These things were prereqs for R.
For myself, I let myself have my feelings of grief, anger, and fear. This was and remains basic to healing, because at best pain keeps coming up from the most unexpected triggers.
In addition - and this has been critical - I asked hours and hours of questions over several months. I continue to ask when I want an answer at 35 months out.
Your MC probably hasn't helped a lot of couples R. The A is in the past, of course. Your feelings, however, are very much in the present, and your best bet is to attend to them, at least IMO.
Is your W NC? Is om's number blocked? Is she in IC? How does she respond to your confrontations?