SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Hey, I haven't been on here for ages - things seemed to be ticking along fairly well but something's just come up that I could use some advice on. In brief....

D-day was 4 years ago in 2 weeks time. FWH and I have come a long way since then, although progress has been very slow, mainly due to his aggression/anger/control issues in the first 2 years. The last year however, things have been so much better and he has worked hard on himself, been more supportive, more understanding, more caring - it's been less about him and more about me and how he can help me. We've moved house to get away from the sadness of our old place and feel like we've moved on.
However, he's just started a new job (we were struggling financially and he got offered a job with better pay) but this new job means him working away. He worked away before (when he had A) so it was a big leap of faith for me to say I was ok with him taking this new job. He started at the beginning of the month so he's been away 2 weeks. We talk on Skype every evening and things have been fine. Last night when he phoned me about 9pm it was obvious he'd had a few drinks. He wasn't majorly drunk but I could tell he was trying really hard to speak properly and not slur his words. I can't say I was too happy as his drinking has always been a source of problems for us - it used to make him violent, so he switched from lager to ale or wine which improved things, but he still gets over-reactive and obnoxious which I'm really uncomfortable with. My point with him is that he does not know when to stop - I don't mind him having a drink, but he doesn't seem able to know his limit, then he goes too far. It's that whole thing of him not knowing when to stop, not having strong enough self-control and (I feel) not having enough respect for me NOT to do it!!! I always worried about this aspect of his personality and it is this which I'm sure led him to have the A. Lack of boundaries???
Well, getting back to last night, he told me when I finished chatting to him (which by then was about 10pm) that he was going to bed as he was tired. Fine. I went to sleep myself, no worries. So I was shocked when I received a message from him mid morning today, saying to me that he was majorly hung over as he'd gone out last night with a waiter from the hotel.
I can't tell you how many thoughts have gone through my mind and feelings of anger, shock, confusion. It triggered me because of what has gone on before and I'm confused - should I be upset, should I be angry? Am I over-reacting? Am I trying to be too controlling myself (by not wanting him to get drunk?)? Does he have a lack of respect for me????

I should mention that he obviously went out AFTER he'd finished talking to me - so...
- why did he go back down to the hotel bar when he told me he was going to bed?
- was it already planned and he lied to me when he told me he was going to bed?
Can somebody please put this into perspective for me?????
Thank you for any advice you can give.

[This message edited by showmetheway at 8:35 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]

(((showmetheway)))

Too bad you are having this problem this morning; there are fewer people around.

I can say that this would bother me alot. I too have problems when my fWH shows a lack of self control. And he used drinking as an excuse initially to allow himself to start and continue his A. But I have alcoholism in my family so drinking is always triggery for me anyway.

I guess I would ask your H if he intended to go back out when he got off the phone with you. Lying is a BIG no no for us. If it turns out that the waiter called and asked him and he went out, then it still seems to show bad judgement (who needs to be hungover as a grown man?) but not deceit.

My H and I have had several fights after he has had too much to drink, and one of both of our worse memories involve his drinking (his crashing his car and getting a DUI on the way to see OW, after his office Christmas party, that I was also at, as was our daughter--biggest problem of all for me). So he is very willing to discuss his drinking with me now. However he was always "fine" when I tried to address it before.

IMHO a truly remorseful WS will do everything possible to make a BS feel safe. This would fall into that category for me. Calmly address it with him.

Good luck hon.

No, you are not. He lied to you.

No you are not over-reacting. When are you seeing FWH in person next? Prior to seeing him and discussing this issue, I would check bank statements for ATM withdrawal locations and credit card statements to see where he was drinking, amount spent and the timing of the charges. This will give you a better idea of what is going on. If FWH had made plans to drink with the waiter before speaking to you, he may have had a few drinks prior to talking to you on Skype and a charge may show up on the credit card. Or if earlier in the evening, FWH had made a large cash withdrawal, he may have known that he needed cash to go out that night. Information is power.