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Everyone thinks he's a saint

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Tripletrouble posted 6/15/2013 13:25 PM

Mr Triple is a real pillar of the community - school board, church counsel, generous neighbor, volunteer get the picture. Everyone tells me what a great guy I'm married to and I just want to puke. I've been very private about it so I don't have to deal with judgement if we R, and also to protect my kids from the shame of him being on AFF. But I swear I feel like jamming an ice pick in my ears before I listen to one more person sing his praises. Last night I had to toss down a stiff drink after listening to someone blather on about how awesome he is.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/15/2013 14:06 PM


There's nothing in your profile, but from what I've been able to gather, your H is a pillar in the community, was on AFF, and you're betrayed after 20 years. Can you tell us more about your relationship and your H?

I ask because because when you have someone who's this:

school board, church counsel, generous neighbor, volunteer coach

AND on AFF, you're usually dealing with some level of narcissism.

Tripletrouble posted 6/15/2013 14:11 PM

Oh lord yes he is a narcissist. At my first IC my therapist even said I had just described a narcissist and then proceeded to completely nail everything about him including his reactions and responses. She warned me straight up that cheating narcissists rarely have what it takes to change or do the hard work to R. I had always known he had a huge ego, I just didn't think he was stupid enough to join a hook up site and put his damn face and real phone number on there.

authenticnow posted 6/15/2013 14:14 PM


Is he in IC?

TrustGone posted 6/15/2013 14:15 PM

It's a good thing he is married to you and not me. I had no trouble letting everyone know what a slezebag I married when I found out about his LTA. Before that everyone thought he was such a great guy. Of course we didn't have children together so I didn't care what people thought of him. His children who are grown still don't know as far as I know as they live in another state, but I would not lie to them if someone else in the family spills the beans. It has already cost him his best friend of many years. His best friend no longer respects him like he did, which is sad since his BF is my BF"s husband. My neighbor's even knew before I did and they also no longer go out of their way to talk to him.

It is so sad that they are willing to risk their reputations and morals to sneak around and screw some slezebag slut. Even a 1.5yr later I am still in shock that he lowered himself to that level. He still doesn't "get it", even though we now have no mutual friends and complains that people are treating him differently lately and he doesn't know why????

Tripletrouble posted 6/15/2013 14:32 PM

He is in counseling, as am I, and we are in MC too. $800 a month. Anyways, the ONLY reason I agreed to consider picking through the wreckage to see what if anything could be saved is that he is very remorseful and is taking full responsibility as well as acknowledging he wasn't very good to me in the years leading up to AFF.

authenticnow posted 6/15/2013 14:34 PM

That's good. R is possible and I'm glad you see him doing the work. He needs to be willing to make huge changes and time will tell if he's up for it.

Tripletrouble posted 6/15/2013 14:34 PM

Thoughtiknewya- I'm curious how you made such an insightful observation with very limited information - what tipped you off?

Getting to Happy posted 6/15/2013 14:34 PM

It just burns my ass when I have to hear how 'wonderful' Mr. Happy is...'He is just so nice..."

It is almost more that I can take. He knows this too. Friends will sit there and sing his praises to me and I am kicking him under the table!

We had a really bad evening when we went to a dinner for a great producer who was retiring.

There was a woman there who has known us since we were dating.

She went on and on about how it was so wonderful that we were still together, how it is so difficult in this business to stay together, how she was proud of us...blah, blah, blah. Then she started crying with joy at our fortitude!UGH!!!

What could I have said to her other that 'thank you'?

I wish I could have said "Well we have been together for a long time but Mr. Happy brought a ho-worker into our lives for about 6.5 years. He ignored our kids and me while he fu*ked her around the corner from our home for years! I would be waiting for him to come home from work, confused at his change in behavior, but all the while trusting him...We are still reeling from the grief and loss...The jury is still our as to whether I will stay with this douche...but hey, we are still standing."

Can't say that can we???

I started crying at the bar so we had to go. I cussed him out the whole way home. Needless to say it was not a great evening!

I am trying to get over him bring the Nefka into our lives. I am still stumbling over my 'New Normal'.

I mean really, nothing says modern marital bliss than your husband having a lta with a sexually available ho-worker!!

You know what really bites me though?!? I never wanted to be common. No offense to anyone here.

Like everyone else here, I had no idea! After 34 years of marriage I thought we had beat the odds.

Hey Triple, I guess you struck a nerve!

Mr. Happy is doing his best to make me feel loved and wanted...protected. *sigh* Like someones tagline says~

Don't look back, its not where your going.


Getting to Happy posted 6/15/2013 14:39 PM

Oh Man! I really T/J your post. Sorry

Tripletrouble posted 6/15/2013 14:42 PM

GTH I didn't see it as a t/j at all - it made me laugh and although I'm sorry you've lived it too this forum is all about not feeling alone in this terrible experience. Seriously I really need the right response to these Mr Triple fans.

Getting to Happy posted 6/15/2013 14:59 PM

Hey Triple, I am glad it made you laugh!

Better that crying!

Seriously I really need the right response to these Mr Triple fans.

It's a tough call when your WH is the 'big man on campus'.

I wanted to shout it out to the world that Mr. Happy was an adulterer, but I have 3 young adults. Two of which work in the business. So I just cannot put them through any more harm. His stupid A has been quite enough for one lifetime.

Nefka was a ho-worker so he had to get rid of her or all bets were off here at the house.

So he had to let his employers know what he had been up to. That took him down a few notches without hurting the kids.

I am just now surfacing from the pain and grief. We are going into year 3 from DD. Mr. Happy has turned himself inside out trying to make things better at home and in general.

I am getting a brand new kitchen

But the blanket response I have when folks are waxing rhapsodic about him is a watery smile and a mummered thanks for noticing...and then a kick under the table!

What is really funny is his reaction to all of this adulation. His eyes get large and he grips my hand because we both know what a douche he has been!

We have been a pair though thick and thin. I think we are going to make it.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/15/2013 15:02 PM

Thoughtiknewya- I'm curious how you made such an insightful observation with very limited information - what tipped you off?
Well, I started studying narcissism shortly after my d-day in '07. I learned that I knew quite a bit about it, already, as my MIL and SIL are NPD. They all seem to have a public persona, which I call 'Sparkle 'n Shine', as well as a side that they try to keep hidden. (I've posted a lot about my family issues down in the NPD thread in I can relate.)

I never wanted to be common. No offense to anyone here.
One of the first things I said to H was it was all just so common. I think that stung the most out of everything I said.

I really need the right response to these Mr Triple fans.
It would be a bad idea to say anything other than, "Thank you.". Seriously, Hell hath no fury like a narcissist unmasked.

Spend as much time as you can learning about narcissism and how to deal with narcissistic people before you decide how to respond, if you want to respond, at all.

Lackingcourage posted 6/16/2013 23:44 PM

I just had a couple of weeks of the same. D is graduating from HS, had brunch at church in all graduates honor last weekend, youth pastor who has never met WS but has heard amazing things about him came up and was THRILLED to meet him. D and I? Ignored. After brunch a woman came up and talked about how she had heard WS speak at an event (he's an amazing public speaker) and told her husband all about him. Her hubby then came up and said he was sending 20 of his employees to go volunteer for his organization and will give him any of his company's products for free that he wants. D and I? Ignored. At her graduation brunch. Graduation this weekend, and my parents who are both aware of the situation and quite angry at him nevertheless fall under his spell. He has a story for everything and everyone and is SO kind and caring and loving and feels he had the right to cheat on me multiple times because basically I don't worship him the way others do. My parents were confused about how to deal with him, saying he made it impossible for them to give him the cold shoulder. I'm trying the 180, but that just makes me the b***h again, because I'm ignoring him and everyone else is treating him the same, even those who know about his MULTIPLE affairs. For years I have had to listen to people tell me how lucky I am, how it must be wonderful to wake up next to him every day, etc. I just want to carry a sign around saying "This man is a lying cheater who continued his affair during our MC and even shared the details of our sessions with his AP". All he wants to talk about is how poorly I've treated him. I haven't always been perfect, but I have always been truthful. And have put up with a lot of crap. Oh, and apparently I'm unreasonable because I let his affairs bother me- that's a choice I'm making.

avicarswife posted 6/17/2013 00:16 AM

OMG I have this issue too.

Currently I am not attending church with the vicar. I am just so over everyone telling me how fortunate I am to be married to such a great guy! Hey even I used to think this!

We have been quiet about his affairs (except at my work). I find it hard as I feel like a hypocrite and that I am complicit with it by keeping the secret.

He has 2 lovely sisters who adore and admire him so much. I dread them ever finding out as they would be so hurt. I am sure they think even his farts are fragrant!

He tells me he is not 'that man' any more. He is remorseful and seems to be doing everything right.....finally.
However 'that man' he is who everyone thinks has always been a saint. Just as long as he never ventures into my work environment - there the truth is out.

I wonder how long I will need to see this new man for before I can see the affairs as part of our past and not our present.

cmego posted 6/17/2013 06:04 AM

I had the ultimate "saint" in hiding in my EX. He was all that and a bag of chips. Everyone loved him. Great job, very friendly to everyone, church goer, volunteered, always doing things for people, in school, "great" Dad, "great" husband...I used to call him a Boy Scout.

He had a complete hidden alternate affairs. He wanted everyone to believe he was the person he portrayed, to the extent of hurting the ones closest to him to keep it hidden.

After d-day, and his begging me to try, and the MC and IC and blah, blah, blah. I told no one except for my mom and his brother. It was horrible hearing everyone tell me how wonderful my ex was. Horrible.

Needless to say, he wasn't strong enough and was back to cheating within a few months and I left. Now everyone knows and he isn't golden boy any longer. Whatever.

But, he did tell me one time, he felt like he deserved to cheat on me. He deserved it.

My IC says he is a either NPD or Boderline personality. The bottom line, they always do what is best for themselves first. At some level EX recognizes this...that he puts himself first...he did say one time he was trying to figure out how to make the right decisions. But, he won't stay in therapy and I no longer care.

But, I remember that feeling. It sucks.

LivingALie posted 6/17/2013 08:04 AM

This thread is really timely for me too. My H is (was) the man every parent wants her daughter to marry. For 35 years I’ve heard how lucky *I* was to be married to him. It used to be a joke in my family – if we ever got a divorce – HE could go live with my parents, that’s how much they love him. They would be devastated if they only knew…

I’ve also heard over the years what a great man he is - community person, great co-worker, great father, son, son-in-law blah blah. You name it, he’s always there for everyone. Actually, all those things are true. And honestly, I always thought he was a good person too – some days I would think to myself “I wish I could be as good as he”. I always knew anyone could be tempted to cheat – but I really believed that if he was faced with it, he just wouldn’t ever follow through with it – it just wasn’t in his character. I was just blown away when I discovered the emails. In fact, the first few emails I read – I thought to myself “there is some mistake here, I’m missing something, there is just no way he would cheat”

At the moment, we’re having some family issues and a co-worker of his emailed me and said “he is a great man”. Yeah. I really wanted to email that person back and say “you really want to know how great he is…let me tell you a few things”.

crestfallen posted 6/17/2013 08:21 AM

Raising hand, waving....

I have the most wonderful husband ever!!!! Little do they know.....

About 18 months ago, he was honored at a party with a speech saying what a wonderful CEO he was....door always open( especially to horse-faced ho-worker), honest(I laughed out loud at the dinner), kind, understanding, sympathetic, etc. I wanted to puke.

Then, someone else called him Yoda! Yoda? Are you kidding me....the man who couldn't say no to ho worker in fear of being sued, but could solve any other business problem in any industry possible?

Really, you know what? It's all bullshit! They have no idea who he is!

Thanks for letting me vent...felt good to get rid of it today!

Holly-Isis posted 6/17/2013 08:49 AM

It may not help, but sometimes people tell you what they think you want to hear.

I've had people who care about me be very cautious in approaching me about issues they see in MrH. They only approached me because they had BTDT and so knew how important it was for me to not keep myself in denial.

Other friends, once they knew I preferred truth over whitewashing, would tell me the things that irritated them about MrH. It sure helped me feel not so crazy that I was seeing flaws where everyone else saw a great guy.

Believe me, people see things in your H that they don't like. They just don't share it with you.

Tripletrouble posted 6/17/2013 15:53 PM

Ugh Livingalie me too. I've always been made to feel like I married up and he's the better half. Sickening.

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