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Thank You Passive-Aggressive Sperm Donor

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Mama_of_3_Kids posted 6/15/2013 15:58 PM

Frankly I am too busy for the stupid games my PA Sperm Donor plays. I was out of the country until last Monday and then went back to work on Tuesday. He has called a few times, at the most inconvenient times and I have not had the time to talk to him (nor do I really care to). I just received a crappy text (from him) that he had a stroke three weeks ago, due to seizures, and that he is in a nursing facility. I feel bad for him, but dang it where was he when I was a little girl who was sick and had to be held down to be stuck with needles numerous times? Where has he been my entire life, when everything is going wrong? Where has he been when he should have been here protecting me from the men who molested me? He was in another part of the US and wanted nothing to do with me...that's where! Now, as he sits paralyzed, due to a stroke, he wants me to be there for him!?!?! Screw that crap!

MovingUpward posted 6/15/2013 16:00 PM


Mama_of_3_Kids posted 6/15/2013 16:24 PM

Thank you, Moo

authenticnow posted 6/15/2013 16:34 PM


gma56 posted 6/15/2013 17:52 PM


I know how this must bring on some very negative memories.

Now, as he sits paralyzed, due to a stroke, he wants me to be there for him!?!?! Screw that crap!
I would feel the same as you do right now.
I do believe we reap what we sow and many times this happens late in life when family is all that is left to help. They want nothing to do with the person because of the way they were badly treated and neglected.

Mama_of_3_Kids posted 6/15/2013 17:58 PM

At the same time I feel bad for thinking that though. Thank you for the hugs

jrc1963 posted 6/15/2013 18:03 PM


sullymeishadomi posted 6/15/2013 18:13 PM

((Mo3k)) I know its a complicated situation. A few weeks ago the egg donar passed. My opinion is these people made their beds, they have to deal with it. Contributing dna doesnt make a person a parent.

If you dont want anything to do with him, dont. Make peace with it, let it go.

Sorry, doll, that he walked away from you.

Mommato4 posted 6/15/2013 18:31 PM


MoreThanMe posted 6/15/2013 19:26 PM

I'm so sorry ((Mama)). My mom is the same way. Its was "inconvenient" for her to keep my children for two nights during CHRISTMAS while I was having a c-section. Why "inconvenient" you ask? Because it would mean driving 20 minutes out of the way. Crazy, huh?

That was the last straw-I've almost gotten her completely out of my life-with counseling. But I know that day will come-when my step-dad (sperm donor to his kids too) won't be around or able to take her to the doctor-and I wonder If I'll have the strength to say "no."

If it matters-I hope that you can say "no." I'm cheering you on-not to because I think you should be mean-but to let him and, more importantly, you know-that you're not this little girl standing around waiting for him to love you/be a part of you life. He doesn't get to skip fathering/grandfathering to ailing parent who's child loving cares for him in his old age. It's really even more shitty than his not being around. I don't know why that is? Seriously-you might consider counseling-that is so unfair to you.

I wonder if I will have the strength to say no?
Anyway-sorry to go on and on-just want you to know that you aren't alone-and that at least one person knows what a crap feeling that is.

Mama_of_3_Kids posted 6/15/2013 20:23 PM

Thanks everyone. The thing is I had planned on sending him a happy father's day text and leaving it at that. Now though, I just don't know how to respond. I feel like not responding is being just as PA as him, however I'm afraid me just saying happy fathers day lets him off. I've thought about sending him, "sorry to hear you're Ill. I'm working 7days a week between my job and two businesses and have been quite busy since I got home from Ethiopia. I hope you have a good fathers day." but I almost feel like that is too nice too

[This message edited by Mama_of_3_Kids at 8:24 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]

jo2love posted 6/15/2013 20:32 PM


simplydevastated posted 6/15/2013 20:55 PM


Kajem posted 6/15/2013 21:18 PM


I think your text is fine.

Sometimes the best we can expect to give them is a Hallmark relationship. Cards at holidays only. It works for a lot of us.

More hugs,


Mama_of_3_Kids posted 6/15/2013 21:43 PM

Kajem, That is what I sent. I got back, "There is more to it. Call you when you have a moment." This is why I didn't want to text at all. I don't *want* to know the extent of it. What does he want me to do about it? He has MS, he's going to eventually be paralyzed, I know this. I've been abandoned by him my whole life why would I want a relationship with him only to watch him die a slow, painful, and hard death...only to have him abandon me again because he will be incapacitated and won't be able to die peacefully???

nowiknow23 posted 6/15/2013 22:21 PM


caregiver9000 posted 6/15/2013 23:41 PM


I wish I had a magic wand. I see your anguish and your struggle. I will say that completely from the outside and with no experience I don't think you OWE him anything. Not a happy FDAY wish, not excuses for why you are busy with your life, not a phone call and certainly not the guilt.

If you scripted the conversation, is there anything he could say or do in the next conversation that would make you feel ok/better? And then, if there is, how likely are you to get it?

Whatever you decide to do, do it for you.

(((so many hugs)))

fallingquickly posted 6/16/2013 00:10 AM

I'm sorry.

Crushed1 posted 6/16/2013 00:16 AM


aLadypilot posted 6/16/2013 02:09 AM

I'm so sorry. I'm not sure why you can't tell him why you can't be there for him? Make him understand that it was his actions that led him to this place? That way he can't self justify and think that he was a great dad and he doesn't understand why you've 'abandoned' him, as he may tell himself. I think he needs to recognize the hard truth.
Sorry again that this is paining you.

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