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He says he will never cheat again. I know he will and honestly dont think his loving demeanor is permanent so today I told him to continue cheating because if he didnt want to, he wouldnt have cheated. I know this man. I know this persona that he says is how he wants to be is just what he thinks right now. He was the same for over 6 years, its impossible for someone to change a lifetime of personality traits over night and have it be perminant for the rest of their life. Me, im in the minority that doesn't have the desire to cheat no matter the situation or spouse. I feel its an insurmountable task to ask him to be faithfull when he doesn't have it in him. Like an addict, they will always be addicted to something if not drugs. Regardless of their choice they dont have the ability to put someone else above themselves. Narcissist/ sociopaths don't see that they are to blame and easily diflect the problem elsewhere, ie cheaters. Thats why my H will never be faithfull no matter how hard he tries. So I either have to deal with it and wait for him to do it again or run and save myself from all his lies hes been telling me and expects me to believe.

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 5:07 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]

(((Donewithlove)))

I am so sorry that you find yourself here! No one deserves to be betrayed.

Without knowing your D-Date, I suspect that you are relatively new. I would recommend that you give yourself at least 6 months to a year before you make a definitive decision. It is very difficult to make a good decision when there is so much emotion churning around. Focus on taking care of yourself and your children. Go to the Healing Library and read about the 180. You might consider doing this.

It is hard to predict if your WH can change or not. If the two of you can get MC and either one or both get IC, there is hope.

Give yourself some time!

Undone1

((DWL))

I think I am done too. The future is looking brighter without my cheating husband. Finding peace is my main goal right now. I choose not to deal with him doing this again. I choose me.

We started seeing a MC a couple of days after he said he was done. He had already cheated but I didnt know the extent of the affair yet. He had me under the impression that they were just friends and had kissed a few times at work. He told me a few days later about what he had done. He said she kept on pursuing him even after he said that he didnt want her like that. Eventually he gave in after he thaught it was the point of no return even though he didnt want to. He said it made him feel nauseous and discusted with himself and still feels nauseous when he sees her at work. He has agreed to everything ive asked of him and then some. This isn't him, its a complete opposite of the man ive been dealing with for the past 6 years. I like him being like this but im literally freaked out by his extreme change. He basically told me to walk it off after I had a c- section and now hes doing as much for me as he can. The affair was a hard pill to swallow but this is a whole new ball game that im not familiar with and I dont know if should jump in go with it or proceed with caution and watch what happends. I do love him and I always felt like we were soul mates and pulled together by a force outside of our control but now I dont know.

You know, when it comes down to it, for me, it's not about the cheating, as much as it is about the lies.

Dishonesty. The one thing I wanted was no more lies. Please...stop lying to me. If you love me, if you really loved me, you wouldn't lie to me.

Those wicked lies that pass through your lips sounds like silence to me. You might, as well, say nothing at all, because none of its true.

I

Each of us know that no matter how similar the situations we describe the outcome for each couple may be different.

I have endured multiple infidelities from WS over the years, followed by MC, promises etc. in my case once the agenda (reconciliation back in place). WS began taking chances and slipping into his old ways.

Do I wish or hope it could be different... Absolutely.

Do I believe WS loves me.. Yes.

I have learned it isn't about "loving me" at all. It is the deceit, and disrespect I feel. So degrading.

So in my case it isn't a question of if my WS will cheat again. It is a question of when. This time he won't be cheating on me. That train has left the station after 35 yrs of turmoil.

Hope you can find peace and harmony for yourself. Truly!

I love him and for some thats enough but for me I need to get back what I give. An eye for an eye, so to speak. He says that he will never cheat again but im not sure if I can wait to find out in the end whether hes been faithfull or not. We are getting smart phones and has agreed to put a tracker on his so I can check up on him whenever I want and ill also be able to receive all his text messages, listen in on his phone conversations and activate his phone so that I can listen on everything hes doing when hes not using his phone, with out him being able to tell on his phone. Im not the kind of person to want to alienate people but I feel like if he really had something to hide he wouldnt be willing to do something so drastic. I think if its used correctly and he gives me the control, I can begin to trust him sooner and get past this sooner... with or without him.

Those early months are the worst. The truth is there is nothing you can do at this point to know whether this "new him" will stick. There are some indicators, IMO.

In addition to the transparency, is he willing to talk about the affair(s) as often as you need to and answer all of your questions, or is he defensive?

Is he in IC? Working on the FOO issues that likely led to his selfish behavior? You are right, he did learn to behave a certain way and a lifetime's worth of behavior is extraordinarily difficult to change, but it can be done. I have done it and I believe my WH has done it.

Are you in IC? Looking at issues you may have brought to the table? This is not to say you caused the A or even were part of the marital problems, but from the sounds of it, you let him treat you pretty badly for the last 6 years. Why? Why were you settling? If you aren't settling, then what is it YOU deserve in this relationship? You need to figure out what standard YOU want to hold him to and do it. Take your power back.

Finally, wait and watch. My husband had to become a new man. I didn't believe it would stick, but I figured I would give it 6 months (this is after 6 months of him sort of getting it (e.g. I had transparency and NC, but that was it), but still lying and not really participating in fixing himself or our marriage. I honestly figured we would be divorced based on a lot of the same emotions that are coming through in your post. I'm happy I stuck around. The last 6 months have been great, and the "new him" seems to have stuck. He has worked his a&* off and dealt with a lot of issues, but our marriage is better for it. I have also worked my a&* off and am better for it. Will it last? Who knows, but I feel a whole lot more comfortable believing that it might than I did 12 or even 6 months ago.

Hes agreed to everything ive asked of him, tells me everything and even put me in contact with her to see if their stories matched up, which they did. Hes not defensive, usually when I ask questions, he answers me and usually breaks down in tears saying how sorry he is, how he would do anything to change what happened and how hes gonna look at me when we're old and be able to tell me that hes been faithfull since his affair. Thats to long to wait to find out that he hasn't done it again. Hes kept his word on everything so far but what about if and when he does mess up, even if its unrelated to cheating? What am I supposed to do, have two different strike lists or just count every mess up in the same category?