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When Reassurances Are Triggers...

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windowsnotwalls posted 6/15/2013 17:57 PM

...what do you do?

This morning MrWNW asked me a direct question on what had triggered me this morning. I answered. His response was "You have nothing to worry about."

I know I prefer the reassuring version of him over the silent one. So, I don't want to discourage reassurances. However, the very words "You have nothing to worry about" were another trigger. After hearing those words and believing them before, how do you put trust back into them?

I was honest about it, told him at this moment in time is seems unimaginable to me that I'd ever "not worry about it", but that I realize there are recent hurts from last month and that the present pain may just be speaking there.

Now, I really feel like a basket case when even when he does something good it triggers me.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/15/2013 18:32 PM

I can relate. It doesn't help that they are like toddlers who have to be praised for every little effort. "Good boy, went pee-pee in the potty." As he stands there waiting for his cookie, I want to smack him for saying he'll always put me first because I'm thinking, "what the hell does that mean?" "First" as in before his girlfriends? Since he never told me anything, how do I know he hasn't got an effing harem?

Over reaction on my part, I know. As you can tell, I understand being triggered when they are trying to be nice. I spend a lot of time biting my tongue.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 6:47 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]

mysticpenguin posted 6/15/2013 18:44 PM

"You have nothing to worry about."

OMG I got this a half-dozen times between yesterday & today and it didn't help me at all either. My problem is that while Mr. Mysticpenguin was cheating last year, he kept giving me verbal reassurances... we'd fight and he'd eventually assure me everything was fine, he loved me, he was sorry -- well, as it turns out, apparently he was just saying those things to get me to stop "bugging him." Mind, he also assured me over and over that he wouldn't cheat, had never cheated, wouldn't lie to me if he did, "I could never hurt you like that"... so, unfortunately, his assurances are tainted. Maybe in a year when none of his assurances have turned out to be appeasements or lies, I will accept and put faith in his verbal assurances again. But for now, I can only trust actions. I bet you're the same. You really summed it up when you said "After hearing those words and believing them before, how do you put trust back into them?" I think (hope) it just takes time... lots of time elapsing during which those assurances wind up proving trustworthy and valid.

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