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He told me he feels caged....

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stungbytravel posted 6/15/2013 19:43 PM


He says he hasn't been out with friends in a really long time so he went to a BBQ tonight.

Caged?? Is this normal WS behavior?

allfalldown posted 6/15/2013 20:24 PM

My WH said something similar. He went to a ballgame tonight with guy friends. This is the first time out since dday.

Getting to Happy posted 6/15/2013 20:41 PM

How come you could not go to the BBQ? Don't you eat BBQ?

How about the ballgame...You don't like Baseball??

I am not saying that you must go everywhere with your WH but they need to understand that the dynamics of the marriage has changed.

HELLO, they had an A behind your back and sometimes right in your trusting face!

So maybe the convo could go like this~

"Hey hon, do you want to go with me to the BBQ/Ballgame? I would love for you to be there with me." Then you say because you would like for them to feel that you are starting to trust them again, "No babe, I'm good, go enjoy your friends, I'll be here with a little 'surprise' when you get home "

SEE, its easy!

Anything less from them lets you know that they don't get it. Your not their mom, your their lover, they should want you around them.

Sheesh!

Athena1979 posted 6/15/2013 22:30 PM

I dont understand why you weren't invited.

If I feel caged, I would want to go out with people I love to be around...so, hey, why not take my lovely wife out and share some good memories!

Sometimes, guys do just hang out together, I guess. Mine had some guy friends who just hung out in the mechanics garage and drink beer.

But then again, maybe he just said that and he was with another prostitute. Idk.

It's sad when the trust is gone. Everything is questioned. But that should be expected, especially by the lying party.

stungbytravel posted 6/15/2013 23:11 PM

I said he should take me and he said it was guys only.

I said that makes no sense. I said given everything he should take me. He again said its just guys. So I asked if ow was going to be there he said I don't know. So much for guys only.

He doesn't get it. He doesn't want to spend time with me or his daughter.

thisissogross posted 6/16/2013 00:19 AM

This may have been extreme but, my h didn't go anywhere alone for over a year after dday. I just wasn't comfortable with it-so he didn't. He also never complained about it. Ever. If he had I may have moved out (I did for a time eventually-but that's another story). Anyway, he knew to expect a HUGE reaction if that need was violated.

Interestingly, I'm normally the one in the relationship who needs the most 'me' time. It took quite a while and a whole bunch of healing for my solitary ways to return.

MystiKay posted 6/16/2013 00:44 AM

Wow...i am so sorry. What a jerk thing to do. The minute he said "I don't know" to the OW question, that should have made him realize it was not the best thing to go to the BBQ, with or without you.

And baseball, I am not a fan, but he could have at least invited you!!! After My DD this past year ALL extra activities stopped.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/16/2013 00:55 AM

He again said its just guys. So I asked if ow was going to be there he said I don't know


W.T.F.????? What a completely OBVIOUS contradiction to his insistence that it was 'guys only'. If the BBQ was definitively 'guys only', then the response to your question should have been "hell no, stung. I TOLD you that it's 'guys only'." But he replied with the oh-so-lovely "idk." He's a jackass.

To answer your question....Sure. Feeling 'caged' is normal WS behavior....if your WS is UNREMORSEFUL!!!

Getting to Happy posted 6/16/2013 01:14 AM

...So I asked if ow was going to be there he said I don't know.

WTF!!! This is what I mean by cheating right in your face.

What kind of moron would go to a 'guys only'BBQ with the possibility of the OW being there and then admit to it?!?

I don't mean to sound harsh but why do you put up with that?? He has de-humanized and Mommie-fied you so that he can step on you with impunity. Please don't let Mr. SBT treat you like a doormat. Please.

You need to find your Bitch Boots and drop kick his crap to the curb.

((((stungbytravel))))

sammie posted 6/16/2013 04:40 AM

Getting to happy is 100% right.

You need to open the cage door and set him free!

And by that I mean put all his shit in garbage bags, throw it on the lawn and change the locks.

Hugs.

[This message edited by sammie at 4:41 AM, June 16th (Sunday)]

stungbytravel posted 6/16/2013 06:38 AM

He is suppose to move out soon

karmahappens posted 6/16/2013 06:51 AM

If he is moving out soon, let him go and take care of you.

(((hugs)))

stungbytravel posted 6/16/2013 07:10 AM

If I could figure out how to let him go, I would.

karmahappens posted 6/16/2013 07:18 AM

There is no magic way to let someone go.

It will take time, so until you get there you fake it til you make it. Pretend you don't give a shit about him, 180 and let him believe you are content to move on.

Why would you want someone to believe you love them with all you are when they sit back and treat you like crap?

No, start doing things for you, spend your days with friends and family, walk out of the house with a "see you later" and go for the day.

Don't let him walk on your heart anymore.

It will hurt, but his treatment is so much worse than being alone IMO.

movingforward13 posted 6/16/2013 07:28 AM

Oh then he is still cheating still he if on his way out the door. I bet other woman was there. "I don't know" is the universal cheater response for, "I don't want to lie but I am damn sure not telling you the truth". His behavior says it all, she was there and he is still seeing her. Fuck him, start the 180 and move on from his ass.

Athena1979 posted 6/16/2013 08:00 AM

How to do it? I know the BBQ is over, but, like the other poster said, put his stuff in bags and change the locks for a fun surprise when he gets back.

I did it! It was the most wonderful gratifying feeling ever!

stungbytravel posted 6/16/2013 08:26 AM

As much as I would love to put his stuff in a bag and leave it outside, I want the house and he has agreed to leave. He could make it much more difficult and if it goes before the court I won't get the house because of the minor child. She is barely a minor but an attorney has already advised me place nice if he will agree to leave.

This day cannot go any slower.

NoMorDeceit posted 6/16/2013 16:03 PM

"Caged" is shorthand for I can't do what I want when I want and that almost always involves seeing/screwing the OP.

No, remoreseful spouses who have ended the affair and accepted that being married means you don't get to date, do not say they feel "caged" when they have to either spend time with their spouse or be accountable for where they are going.

He didn't want you there because he was bringing the OW, since he has told you he is leaving, I'm sure he has told her and all his buddies he is divorcing so he can have her around now.

You need to focus on you and not him or his fucked-upness. I'm sorry. I hope he leaves soon so you don't have to put up with this.

Mousse242 posted 6/16/2013 19:45 PM

He's still cheating. If he's "supposed" to move out soon, maybe he needs his shit packed into hefty bags and out on the front lawn for him to take when he gets back from the BBQ to help him along.

He's being an ass. You can give him the choice of staying home from events like this or have the consequences I mention above. He definitely does not sound like someone who is working on their marriage. He can choose on his own what road he wants to take but you need to follow through with whatever you decide what the consequence is.

((hugs))

stungbytravel posted 6/17/2013 08:53 AM


I don't think he is working on the marriage either.

I went out yesterday and stayed out for most of the day. He went and looked at houses to rent with his daughter but I got the impression from her it didn't go so well.

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