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Newest Member: BSisRight (61549)

User Topic: Set Against R
♀ 39461
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A few questions...

I have not confronted an EA and possible PA.

Can you be set against R and be very certain about it? I just cannot see anything positive with continuing our relationship.

I know for a fact he would think him having an EA was silly. He would not participate in MC or IC and would get irate that I would tell him to stop his "friendship" with OW. He would blame my A for his EA. He would tell lies to family and friends to make him look like the victim and I'm ruining the relationship and messing up the kids.

So why should I even consider R if I know he will do the above actions?

I just want to have my own life with my children. I'm tired of hearing him yell and his controlling ways.

Can I be so sure without even confronting? I don't think he could say anything to change how I feel.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For some this is a total deal breaker. Only you know that. It is perfectly fine to decide the actions are a deal breaker and walk away without R. I never thought I would consider R, but time and his actions changed that. It is a very individual and personal decision.

I know where my deal breaker is now. When you know where your deal breaker is at, it is easier to move forward....where ever it is.

Hugs to you.

Me-54 BS
Him 61-WS
Married 34 yrs, together 37
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds to me like you want to end your marriage. Why use the possible affair as an excuse? If you are not happy and your husband refuses to go to MC or IC, why even bother confronting about an affair?

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13383 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I agree with the deal breaker reply.

And I think it takes a really strong person to know what our thresholds (deal breakers)are.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do not know how your H would respond to a request to do MC or IC or D. You don't know how he would respond to being confronted.

Imagine that he agreed to MC & IC and showed complete remorse. What then?

If you'd still want to D if he's truly remorseful, that's a pretty solid indicator that either an A is a deal breaker or you want out of your M. If remorse would make R attractive, IMO you're not ready to decide.

Both D & R are OK choices. The only issue is to figure out which one is best for you.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16813 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iammine: It sounds like you "know" a lot w/o even having to ask one question.

I thought I would leave my H if he ever had an A. Guess what? Still here. Because:

1) he has owned it from Day 1
2) there is NC
3) he speaks and acts with remorse - everyday.
4) everyday he proves his love and commitment to our marriage
5) I have owned my own bad behavior that created cracks in our marriage - I was unfriendly at best and acted with contempt at worst.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
♀ 24572
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course you can! Only you know... the one thing that everyone seems to agree on is that there is NO obligation on anyone to continue a relationship where there's been cheating.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

Posts: 1463 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
♀ 39461
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been with him for 17 yrs and I've asked him to go to MC and IC and he laughs at me that he isn't crazy and is NOT going to a "head doctor" .

When we first got together I asked him to cool it with his party friends and 17 yrs later he throws it in my face that he had to give up his friends. He won't give up the OW

He doesn't show love and affection. But he will tell OW that she is beautiful and sexy.

I just don't think he would do the necessary steps to help our relationship.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 8

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