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Question about triggers

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gettinghelp2013 posted 6/15/2013 21:35 PM

I was a WH, we are currently working on things taking it 1 day at a time. We talk everyday about what happened and the consequences of my choices that I made. The problem I am having is that I recognize when my BS is mad or sad,I am not sure if it was was trigger that caused this or not. After talking to her about it I am just gonna assume it was but I am not sure what to say other then telling her how sorry I am for what I have done and for these triggers coming up. Any advice as for what to say or do would be greatly appreciated.

Clarrissa posted 6/16/2013 06:20 AM

Actually what you're doing is good. Apologizing to her for putting her in the position to have triggers. You sound like you've "owned your shit" as we say here. However, the best thing you can do is show her, every day, that you're working to fix yourself and find your why. This takes time, a *lot* of time. I know that "I'm sorry" seems woefully inadequate for what we've done to our BS but sometimes that's all we can say when they trigger. That and just be there for them when they do. Ask her what she needs you to do when she triggers and do it, even if she asks for space. If so, give it to her but let her know you'll be there if she needs to talk.

I assume your Dday was fairly recent given your registry date so be prepared for her to trigger a lot for a while. Things are very rough for the first 6 months or so. Show her through your actions that you're in it for the long haul. Be there for her when she triggers and apologize for doing this to her as many times as she needs you to.

Good luck and keep posting. You'll get all the advice and support you need as you work through this. It's hard, especially when the roller coaster goes on a downhill swing, but getting through this is possible.

wifeno2 posted 6/16/2013 06:48 AM

I would also add that it would be great if you keep a mental list of her triggers and when you realize she will be/or has been exposed to one you acknowledge it before she has a chance to tell you about it. It will help her feel like you are thinking about her and the A and R as much as she is...

Lucky2HaveMe posted 6/16/2013 07:18 AM

It was so comforting to me when my WH recognized a trigger and simply came to me, hugged me, said "I'm sorry" That is really all that is needed.

Recognize and react with empathy.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 6/16/2013 07:29 AM

You've got some good advice so far

Keep talking. Open up to her. Listen. Don't get defensive.

It took me a while, but sharing my triggers with my BS has helped him.

It's good for him to know I suffer too.

Buckle up, it's a hell of a ride.

Oh and welcome to SI!

Check out the healing library, the yellow box in the top left corner.

Does your BS know about this site? It may help her a lot. Both my BS and I are on here, we've both gotten a lot of support and have found this place invaluable.

A book recommendation is "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda Mac Donald.

gettinghelp2013 posted 6/16/2013 12:43 PM

Thanks all for the support and advice. Yes Broevil BS knows about the site, she is the one who turned me on to it.

Steppenwolf posted 6/16/2013 21:30 PM

It is safe to assume that she is triggering all day every day because of the shit storm we put our BS in.
Things became easier for me when I stopped trying to predict what would happen and when. Try not to look too far ahead. Try not to manipulate any outcomes. Avoid expectations. Admit to yourself that this really might not work out the way you want it to. Keep coming here. Read together. Communicate.

Work on yourself. You started by saying you were a WS. Do you believe you are not a WS anymore?

SurprisinglyOkay posted 6/16/2013 21:57 PM

One thing my BS said a while into R was That I am his biggest trigger.

That was a hard one.

Keep working on yourself. It is possible to heal from all of this, with A LOT of hard work!

Nailinmyforehead posted 6/17/2013 14:09 PM

I think Lucky2 said it perfectly, at least how I feel when my WW notices me triggering- "Recognize and react with empathy." I don't feel you can go wrong at all with that approach.

guiltfilled11 posted 6/20/2013 15:34 PM

Like broevil I am her "biggest trigger" and that is the hardest one to take. But as it has been said, if you recognize the triggers and approach them properly it is the best thing for your BS. We are almost into year three and triggers still happen, sometimes multiple times in one day. It's a long road but if you are truly sorry and truly love them then I urge you to keep working at it. It won't be easy but you are in the right place for advice and encouragement. Good luck

Patchy posted 6/22/2013 16:06 PM

Always be comforting. Never get irritated. While my husband is "mostly" supportive and comforting when a trigger hits me, he has sometimes gotten irritated, which he says is at himself for what he did and not at me. Once he went to turn a light on just after I'd had a trigger and he was so mad he broke the wall plate. How am I supposed to take this?! It makes me afraid to ever tell him why I'm upset.

There are "so many" things that trigger me that he's afraid of everything he says, wondering if it will be the wrong thing. And sometimes he gets upset that he has to live this way and wonders if it will ever end, but what am I supposed to do about that? He's the one who created all the triggers. I would LOVE to not have to live this way anymore. I'm in more pain than I've ever been my entire life.

So in short. Always be comforting and loving. If you get upset, never show it. If you do (cause you're human), make sure she knows it's not her fault and that you love her and are so sorry.

Be patient, be patient, be patient. It's going to be a long road.

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