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Dilemma: we've been invited to former BS wedding

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Notmetoo2011 posted 6/16/2013 06:17 AM

Here's the situation. About 12 years ago SAfWH had an A with the wife of a couple we were very friendly with. The BS was probably his best friend at the time. The A ended and SAfWH moved on to someone else. This couple divorced several years ago.. I only found out on DDay in 2011. The other BS does not know about the A. He is getting remarried in July and has invited us to the wedding.

I don't know what to do. For one thing the wedding is on the anniversary of my DDay. I feel torn. I really like the other BS. He is a great guy and I am so happy that he has met someone who makes him happy. On the other hand I feel uncomfortable around him because he doesn't know about SAfWH's A with his XWS. SAfWH has agonized over telling him and has even asked advice from his IC, but the general feeling is that at this point it would do more harm than good to tell him.

Do we go to the wedding or bow out with an excuse?

Bluebird26 posted 6/16/2013 06:35 AM

If it's going to make you uncomfortable make an excuse and not go. If it going to make FWH uncomfortable that's tough luck, that is a part of what he has done.

karmahappens posted 6/16/2013 06:44 AM

I don't think it matters whether or not you like him.

What your husband did to him was unthinkable and I would not want him there. It may be "past the point" of telling him the truth, but your husband helped ruin his 1st marriage.

The BS was not his best friend at the time, you don't have affairs with your best friends wife.I think it would be hypocritical of him to stand up and support this man taking new vows with his wife, all the while knowing what he did to his 1st marriage...

I would bow out with an excuse.

JMO....

Jaded4life posted 6/16/2013 06:51 AM

If this guy ever finds out, he is going to be so pissed you went to his wedding. I would be. I totally agree with karma. I would send a gift though :)

movingforward13 posted 6/16/2013 07:25 AM

Please send a gift, a very generous one if you can afford it, but decline. And send the RSVP on time!

solus sto posted 6/16/2013 08:24 AM

I don't think it matters whether or not you like him.

What your husband did to him was unthinkable and I would not want him there.

Best friend? No. Friends don't behave like that. (SAs don't really have friends when they're steeped in their addictions, anyway. They have tools---people they use to feed their addictions.) It may be "past the point" of telling the OBS the truth, but your husband helped ruin his 1st marriage. He has no place at the wedding. And because you knew and did not tell, I'd say that you should stay away, too.

I know your intentions were not bad. You were coping with YOUR end of a bad situation, and doing the best you can.

But the OBS, were he to find out, would likely not view it similarly. If there's any chance he might feel as though his new wedding day was polluted, if he were to learn of the betrayal, it's reason enough to send regrets.

I'm really sorry

Jospehine85 posted 6/16/2013 11:35 AM

RSVP no. No one is going to miss you there. The bride and groom will only have eyes for each other and frankly you two are not important. They will not be offended.

Send a nice gift.

BeyondBreaking posted 6/16/2013 11:40 AM

I wouldn't go. I agree with what others have said- if there is any chance that he will ever find out, it might brother him a lot that your H was at THIS wedding.

Get them a REALLY nice gift, and RSVP (on time) no.

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