I am struggling to understand why I am feeling depressed as opposed to angry. I realized yesterday that I feel like a caged rat. I can try to detach as much as possible but because of DD I still must deal with stbx on a regular basis and I continue to be on the receiving end of his passive aggressive behavior. He never does anything spectacularly awful like some of the things many of you are facing. It is little stuff. Yesterday for example as DD and I were packing her stuff for her overnight with stbx, we both thought she had a pair of pajamas at his place. she had had an accident that last time she slept over his place (her regression into baby behavior in the face of the D should be the subject of another post) and he had said at pick up, we both heard this, that he would wash her pajamas and return them next week. So yesterday, while we were packing her stuff, I opened her soccer bag to get it ready and the urine-soaked pajamas were in a plastic bag in her soccer bag and had been there for a week. The bag and everything in it had to be washed. I did not say anything to DD about her father's behavior, I just put everything in the washing machine. I knew that DD already felt embarrassed enough. It is little stuff like this ALL THE TIME. Stuff I can't speak to my lawyer about, stuff I just have to left go.
I feel like the caged rats and dogs in those experiments that become passive and depressed when they know that shocks will be administered and there is nothing they can do to avoid them.
He gets the GF that he has spent 10s of thousands of dollars on and I get to pick up his shit. And because of DD, I don't see any alternative.
As far as him sending home urine soaked PJ's, here is my suggestion. Do not send anymore clothes with her. He needs to furnish his own PJ's at his place. If he has thousands to spend on the OW, then he can afford to buy her clothes to wear at his house. You are no longer responsible to provide her clothes for him. The reason I say this is because BTDT. I bought my son his school uniforms about the time I filed for D. I was sending him to his Dad's with an overnight bag on his weekends so my son had clothes and something clean to wear to school on Monday morning. Well the next thing I knew, I had no school clothes for him as his Dad was keeping the extra set every week. He was sending clothes that my son had out grown the year before, stained clothes, holey clothes, etc.. home in his overnight bag. I quit sending anything and quit letting my son even take an overnight bag. This of course made XWH#1 have to go buy his own. Sometimes he washed his uniform that he wore on Friday and sometimes he sent him to school in the same dirty clothes he had on when he got there on Friday. I had to get to the point of that not driving me crazy, but I could not afford to keep throwing money away because he was too lazy to wash my son's clothes. It of course made him mad at first, but he eventually got over it and started furnishing him with changes of clothes at his parent's place. Of course he never washed anything, his mother did all the washing for him and she probably bought the clothes too for all I know. I just had to start looking at it as it was no longer my problem what my poor son looked like when he was with his Dad. It is hard to have to deal with petty shit like that, but you have to draw the line somewhere. (((HUGS)))
As far as returning clothes in poor condition. When divorced my WH used to send clothing back dirty and ripped. So we put in the divorce decreee that all clothing and toys were to be returned to our home in the same condition they arrived. Clothes, shoes, etc. would be washed and in good condition upon return. I would also stipulate that the children were to be clean and in clean clothes upon going to school (if that is a problem). This was not the first time the mediator had seen this happen and was all for that clause being in the decree. So, just a recommendation on how to handle that situation.
I found acceptance to be the most difficult part. I spent quite a few months raging internally.
Then one day I realised I needed to surrender to it. Surrendering has freed me in so many ways.
We cannot control their fuckery but we can control how much we let it impact our lives.
It still sucks when I have to interact with him and it sucks more when he starts fishing for ego kibbles.
But this is my life. I had children with a lower muppet. His brokenness has nothing to do with me - my girl and i are merely the collateral damage.
((abigailadams)) I hope you start feeling brighter soon.
When you are at the crux of depression, you must must must engage in self-care. IC (which you are doing), rest, eating healthy, meditation, prayer, whatever works for you.
Abigailadams ~ it will lift and it does get better. Take care.
All of your suggestions are good. I need to do less for him. I love the idea that it could be in the divorce decree that clothes and toys have to come back in the condition in which they went. I don't see it as enforceable but i love the idea of having it there.
As for surrendering, I see it is the only choice if I care about my DD. But my fantasy life is full of revenge like dragging my key along his car. Infantile I know but it would feel good.
But my fantasy life is full of revenge
I'd like to have revenge on the OW. Why does she get off scot free?