"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

ladyphoenix84 posted 6/16/2013 08:08 AM

It's hard to articulate. This may take a while, so I hope you will bare with me.
I haven't just found out. It's been over a month since I starting digging. Just under since I received an admission of guilt. I feel that I haven't yet gotten the full story and so I am using what means I have at my disposal because getting a straight answer from a proven liar is like trying to get blood from a rock.

I have been with my fiancee for over three years. We have a dog together and are starting to progress toward a marriage or so I believed.

He started helping his best friend with a local metal band that had just gotten signed. He would go and set up the equipment or video their concerts. He asked me several times to come out with them but the concerts always ran into the morning hours and I need my sleep, because our dog wakes me up around 7 a.m. every morning for his walk. Also, I cannot function very well unless I get at least eight hours in. I may have wanted to go but being out with him is like being out alone. He's a social butterfly and doesn't pay very much attention to me when we're out in social settings. So, not wanting to be left by myself in a strange place with a bunch of metal-heads and bikers, I'd decline. It's not my scene.
My WS met the OW there. She is a promoter for the band. I have never met her and only discovered her when I started to suspect something because he started staying out very late on week-nights. (The concerts were only held during the weekend.)
He came home with his knee hurt one morning, saying that a car we was working on at his friend's house fell on his knee.
And then I remember, I was having a terrible cold and called out of work that day. I was very aroused when he got home from his job and I insisted that he take me to bed. On that occasion, he did things to me which he hadn't done in a while and it kind of made me wonder where that came from. It was like, I knew he must be doing these things to someone else.

So one morning, I went through his phone while he was sleeping and I saw her on his contact list. I knew when I saw this woman that she was the one and that something fishy was going on. I made the mistake of waking up his friend who is staying with us, on the couch, and asking who she was. He told me that he doesn't know. (Likely a lie.)
I went up stairs to our bedroom, then, woke my WS and asked him, "Who is this?"
"Oh, she's a promo girl for the band."
He said nothing more about it. After that, he placed a lock on his phone. I asked him,"Is something up? Are you trying to hide something from me?"
"No.", He said,"I am angry that you went through my phone."

I think it was a week later, the 17th of May, a Friday night, that he went awall. He didn't come home after work, didn't tell me that he was planning to be out all night. I tried over and over to reach him on his phone and he didn't answer. I knew something was horribly wrong. I didn't sleep.
The next morning, his friend woke up and I pried him for info. His friend's mother came to pick up her son for an errand they had to do. I was visibly disturbed having still not heard back from my WS. They sat in my living room and chastised me for worrying, for being clingy and portraying "stalking" behavior. Apparently, he has done this before, in the past, before he met me and everything is fine. If everything were not fine, I'd be getting a call from a police station or ER.
Then my WS, called his friend's mom, to let them know he was okay. They relayed this to me and I didn't believe them at first. I couldn't believe that he would call someone else first instead of me. They got cross with me for calling them liars. It was as if, I was in the Twilight Zone, in a world where it's perfectly normal for a person who you have loved for three years to all of a sudden start staying out all night, without informing you of their plan to and I was some kind of freak for expecting consideration and accountability. I would call the behavior of his friend and his mother, gas lighting now, looking back at it. I have to tolerate them in my presence still. It's almost unbearable.
I digress.
When I finally saw my WS, that Sunday, the 20th. He had a mark on his neck, which he claims was a work injury. When asked about Friday, he insists (still) that he just drove around by himself. He says he parked the car and listened to music. He was stressed and needed space.
(How did that hickey get there if he was alone?)

He was home that night. I still hadn't slept. I couldn't. I need something was not right. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I needed to know what was happening. Then, I remembered. He told me the password to his Facebook account a while back because he wanted me to feel that I could trust him. Clearly, he must have forgotten that I knew this or maybe he believed that I forgot it. None the less, this is how I found out.
The girl from his phone. There was a conversation between them. A highly flirtatious series of messages. She was hitting on him hard. He was resisting but failing to make himself seem like he was in a permanent relationship. "She's not my wife." That douch-bag!
She wanted his leather biker jacket. The fucking jacket that I had picked out for him in New Hope on a day trip. I begged him to try it on.

I self-injured that night. I had the impulse to fill the bath tub, scrub every inch of my body with a brillo pad and just slit my wrists all the way up to my inner elbows. Fill it with blood.
Then our dog walked into the bathroom and looked at me.
All I could do was shake and cry. It had now been three nights without sleep.

I started checking his phone's call log online everyday and his Facebook. (I still do.)
Then a new message popped up about how she felt used. That he had gotten what he wanted from her, fucked her and now was ignoring her. I thought to myself and joked to my best girl friend who I was confiding in, she ought to threaten to tell me.

Memorial day weekend. She finally did. She wrote me a long message about they were having an affair for 3 weeks and he didn't really want to me with me. She ended the message saying that he played us both. Then she sent me a photo of a positive pregnancy test.

TBC.

[This message edited by ladyphoenix84 at 9:06 AM, June 16th (Sunday)]

ladyphoenix84 posted 6/16/2013 08:55 AM

This is what I wrote to her.

"He is ignoring you and rejecting you because he grew a conscience and realized where his heart really is and you cannot accept that. You weren't played, honey, you knew that he wasn't available and you chose to screw around anyway. How dare you apologize to me now and try to use me against him, because if you can't have him.. you certainly don't want him to have any happiness. For as much as you claim to have "fallen for him", if you really truly cared, you would have left him alone. You should not have even thought to touch him, no matter what he said. I know you started it. You left your man thinking that WS would follow suit. Now who's stupid?
I am a person who hears men bitch and complain about their wives all the time. I have the common sense to know that it's just venting and they aren't actually going to leave their wives/ girlfriends. And even more so, no amount of sweet-talking and money could get me to sleep with another man because unlike some people, I am not a cheap hoe. You on the other hand, are setting a very bad example for your children (I assume all from different fathers judging by the looks of you) in trying to take something that doesn't belong to you. Here's hoping they don't turn out to be criminals.
I knew the entire time. Call it woman's intuition. What irritated me most is that the both of you really thought you had the wool pulled over my eyes. I can find out anything that I want to without you're help but I already know enough.
Yes, of course, I am beyond hurt. I have cried for days. I lost 4 lbs last weekend alone, when I cannot afford to lose anymore. It took all the restraint I have not to fill a bath tub with blood when I became aware of what was going on, a while back. Yes, it's going to take a long time for me to be able to trust him again. No, he may not deserve me but I love him with all my heart. That is enough for me to think that I will be able to forgive him and one day, we will look back on this and laugh.
Good job. You just brought us closer by giving us a common enemy.
And good luck with your fake pregnancy.
May Karma be merciful.
(Don't bother replying. Cause I am blocking you.)"

She flipped shit after that. Blew up his phone and cursed him out via text. She said that I talked shit on her kids and that she was going to have someone come and kick my ass.
I didn't. I called her a bad parent. Who runs around at all hours of the night chasing a man who is practically married? What kind of responsible person has unprotected sex and then doesn't go get the morning after pill once they realized what occurred? Someone who isn't responsible, that's who. And it's scary to think that this is a person who is raising people.

No one seems to believe that she was pregnant. Though my WS did agree to help her pay for an abortion if she needed one. Or I could always go visit her with a wire hanger. That is my anger talking though.
He asked her to get a blood test to prove she was pregnant, because her friend told him that she might be just scamming him for money. (You say you feel like a whore. I say, "if the shoe fits,..")
Nothing has been heard from her after that. I know this because I check. I ask my WS to keep my up to date on any new developments.

I want to screw with this c***'s head so bad. I want to tell her I have HIV. I want to pose as a friend of WS's in an anonymous email, who heard from WS that she is easy and is looking for a piece of ass.
I won't do any of those things because I know it will only perpetuation this BS but I can't help the dark fantasies that I am having.
I am having horrible images also that happen at random times. I work in a Gent's Club and I had a flash of pain as I saw a customer approach a dancer who was seated provocatively with her legs over the edge of the stage, while she was doing her set. When he stood between them and placed a dollar between her breasts, I cringed and retreated to the restroom to calm myself. Nothing like that bothered me before. Now, it's like to see my WS and the OW in the act at random times throughout the day and night. I want to run. I want to vomit. I want to dip myself in bleach.

I find myself wanted to be isolated more than usual and being more concerned with restricting calories. It's the only way I feel I can control something.
On the bright side, I am doing some of my best writing ever.

[This message edited by ladyphoenix84 at 9:10 AM, June 16th (Sunday)]

painpaingoaway posted 6/16/2013 09:25 AM

Oh sweetie I am so sorry for what you are enduring right now, but I am very very concerned about your mental health. This needs to be attended to ASAP.

I, too, went thru a similar period of raging hurt, anguish, and desire to harm the OP, I think that is somewhat common. But the desire to harm yourself must be dealt with.

Have you seen a doctor or counselor? We must take care of YOU first.

Skan posted 6/16/2013 09:53 AM

Welcome. I know that you don't want to have the reason to be here any more than any of us, but I'm so glad that you found us for support. It's the weekend, so things are a bit slow a lot of people will be signing on tomorrow, so don't feel as if you're being ignored, OK?

What Painpain said is right on the target. You can't take care of anyone if you don't take care of you. As hard as it is, you need to try to stay hydrated, eat, and get what rest you can. Yes, you body is rioting right now. No wonder. You've been hit by a bus emotionally and your body and mind are reacting to that overwhelming pain. Your feelings are normal, but if you continue to feel like self-harming, please call a crisis hotline one number for you is 888-724-7240.

Please take a look at the upper left corner, where there is a yellow box. Click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Also read any post in this forum that has a red bulls-eye on it. Those are very good information articles that have been written by experienced members. Know that you don't have to do One Damned Thing right now. You can wait to make your decision.

And if this crazy Ho contacts you again, save her message (with all of the others) and consider going to the PD for a RO. And keep coming back for support. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

solus sto posted 6/16/2013 16:37 PM

I'm so sorry for your pain---it's palpable, and we all understand it so well.

My first advice: STOP giving this whore a view into your life. She has intruded too much already; do not share your pain with her. She doesn't care, and the info, in her hands, may be used to hurt you further.

I completely understand your anger and devastation. And I understand that it's directed toward her because that's easier than directing it toward your fiance.

But step back, and look at the situation. Your fiance is the one who cheated on you. She could have been anyone.

Before you marry, there's lots of work to be done. He's shown himself to be a cheater-- and while the adage that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not a given, the ability to cheat does indicate boundary issues that MUST be addressed in order to create a safe, trustworthy partner you feel confident will not cheat, someone who, when he "needs space," does not look for it in anther woman.

What is your fiance doing to become the partner you deserve?

ladyphoenix84 posted 6/17/2013 07:48 AM

This resounding message from my bf and his close friends who are aware of what happened is, "Just get over it. Don't think about it. So what? He made a mistake. Brush it off. Act like you don't care. You make it worse by hanging onto it and bringing it up. You'll push him away if you pry for more info or cling to him."
Basically there is a lot of invalidation going on. Did I mention that I live in the Twilight Zone? Of course, they're all men, that I have heard this from, so I ought to consider the source. I mean, it's entirely unrealistic to expect someone to just recoup from a trauma like that in under a month or to not be a little more insecure than usual. I am kind of treating my feelings toward the entire situation, like having the flu. Once you have the flu, there isn't automatic cure. You kind of just have to go through it until you recover. It's a pain in the ass though. It's easiest during the day, when I know I have to focus on work or other tasks. At nights, there is nothing else to do and my brain just takes over. I try to take melatonin
to help me sleep or do a shot of whatever's in the freezer to calm my nerves.

This happened last night, for example. Maybe because today is the anniversary of that night in question.

I am giving a lot of consideration into finding a counselor who may work on a sliding scale as I do not have health insurance. Even if I decide that I cannot get over it, that it is too much for me to be able to "brush off", I still need to work on my personal insecurity and why I hang onto people whose behavior causes me more harm than good.

Thank you all for responding. It's nice to feel not so alone with this. It's good to feel validated in what I am feeling.

I am having a transcript of his text messages sent to a girl friend's address, so that he doesn't accidentally discover that I am still looking into the details of this A. He insists it only happened one time, but I am not convinced.

You know, there is one thing else that I don't understand. The OW was trying to get him to leave me, in a desperate attempt to win him, she cried pregnancy. When that failed, she contacted me and tried to get me to leave him by saying that he talked shit on me and doesn't really want to be with me. Why on Earth after a man has already proven that he is willing to be a lying sack of shit to a woman he is engaged to, will an OW still be interested in being with them? Don't they realize that, there is a fair amount of likelihood, that he will do it to them as well?

[This message edited by ladyphoenix84 at 8:10 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/17/2013 09:37 AM

The only thing I can offer (other than my sympathies!) is to focus on you SO and NOT the OW. Don't respond to her; don't waste your energy on her; don't feed her fucked up emotional life.

Take care of yourself and hold on to what you can of your own strengths.

BelleStar posted 6/17/2013 11:43 AM

To answer your question as to why she would want to be with a man who cheated on his fiance?

She was fed so much BS about how horrible you are and how controlling or whatever makes you look like the villan and of course he fed her the BS about how "special" she is and that she's the only one that can understand his horrible life with you and make it all better....All ONE BIG FANTASY to use her and feel better about himself.

OW was led to believe that she was "special" and it would never ever happen again cause she's special.
Twilight Zone music begins...

k9lover1 posted 6/17/2013 12:23 PM

There seems to be a lot of diaglog that went back and forth between you and the OW, but you didn't comment much on what was said between you and your fiance.

Is he remorseful?

Is he totally transparent now?

Do you have all passwords?

Did you set clear boundaries and lay out the consequences if he crosses those boundaries in the future?

If not, you are only leaving yourself wide open for further hurt down the road.

I understand you are angry at her, this is very normal, she is a piece of shit. But let's not forget that he is also a piece of shit for screwing her.

ladyphoenix84 posted 6/17/2013 17:13 PM

Actually there wasn't much dialog between the OW and myself. Just that single exchange.
He has apologized a few times. But somehow I expect more ass-kissing, more profuse compassion and taking responsibility for my pain. I said I could potentially forgive him, not that I already have. I don't think he grasps this... at all. I don't think he comprehends that in order to forgive I need time.. and I need to know everything in extreme detail.

Dare2Trust posted 6/18/2013 02:41 AM

Ladyphoenix84,

I'm so sorry for the immense pain and turmoil you're going through.

This isn't about your cheating finance doing any "ass-kissing"...This is about:
--Is HE showing geniune REMORSE for his betrayal?
--Has he written the OW a NO CONTACT LETTER telling her that affair is over..and she's to never contact him again in person, by text, phone, or email?
--Is he willing to seek therapy to address WHY he cheated in the first place?
---Will he give you access to his phones, texts, email accounts - so you can verify ALL CONTACT with this OW has ended?

Since it doesn't appear this metal band is your finance's means of support/his job: IF I was in your position: I'd insist/DEMAND that he discontinue his association with this band situation; until he completed his therapy; and until he PROVED TO ME that he could be trusted again. He needs to rebuilt TRUST and he certainly needs to work on BOUNDARY ISSUES!!!

Your fiance made this MESS and he needs to get busy fixing everything he's broken; and to help you heal.

As the other posters have stated: The OW is not you problem...SHE didn't break any promises or committments to you. Don't spend any more time communicating with her low-life butt.

I hope you will seek therapy to help you deal with the trauma you've gone through; and to help you with any self-harming thoughts/feelings you may have. You deserve so much better treatment than you fiance is giving you at this point. You also deserve to have all your questions answered honestly.

We're all here to support you.

[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 2:44 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

ladyphoenix84 posted 6/18/2013 08:09 AM

No, the band was not his primary means of support. Just a hobby and a way to enjoy free concerts. He cut that off without me having to say a thing about it. He has blocked her from contact via Facebook and has no phone contact with her either. I really don't know if he wrote a letter first. He has also done this without my prompting. He will not go to social gatherings either where they might cross paths. He seems by his behavior that he now sees her as the emotionally disturbed, home-wrecker that she is and wants no further contact with her, especially after she pulled the bs prego card and threatened me.
I am grateful for that much. I spoke briefly yesterday with him after finding a mix cd in our car and inquired of its origin. It was hip hop music. Something he doesn't listen to, likely left by a tech while it was in the shop. I told him that I am going to be a little nuts for while and he needs to be understanding. You don't fondle my trigger then blame my gun.
Even if we took a break, I know would be feeling the same. Even if we broke off completely...
I just have to let the time pass and ultimately I will do whatever works for me when the time comes. I don't know what that will be. I would like to reconcile because I have a lot of love for him and I don't like to quit anything. After I see the transcripts, I do not know what I will feel or how I will react. I will have to wait and see.

Heavy Sigh posted 6/18/2013 08:29 AM

Ladyphoenix,

Please get into counseling. He is not the man for you. Flip around the question you asked and ask it to yourself.

Why on Earth after a man has already proven that he is willing to be a lying sack of shit to a woman he is engaged to,

... will that fiance still be interested in being with him?

Don't they realize that, there is a fair amount of likelihood, that he will do it

.... to his fiancee again as well?

Three years is a tiny investment when compared to a lifetime of dealing with a man and his friends who are so determined to deceive you and cover for him.

They are not your friends. He isn't your friend, either.

Dare2Trust posted 6/18/2013 19:16 PM

ladyphoenix,

What changed since yesterday, when you described your fiance this way:

He has apologized a few times. But somehow I expect more ass-kissing, more profuse compassion and taking responsibility for my pain. I said I could potentially forgive him, not that I already have. I don't think he grasps this... at all.

Do you have access to his phone - OR, does he still have it locked down?
Do you have access to his computer - to actually check his facebook, and email account?

You didn't respond to the posters' concerns about you - will you find a therapist for youself to address your thoughts/issues of self-harm?

ladyphoenix84 posted 6/20/2013 07:48 AM

Yes, I have access to our shared computer. I can access all of his accounts. The phones are in my name, so I can get any info that I want off of them. He cannot hide anything from me when I am looking. It was only because I wasn't looking before that he was able to get something by me for a bit.
I have not officially gone to the length of setting up an appointment with a counselor or finding out what the damage is going to be. As I said, that is a difficulty because I don't have health insurance. I am not in any danger of self-harming. I did that one evening that I mentioned but otherwise, it is not a thing for me. It was when I was much younger, but now I have outgrown it for the most part.

ladyphoenix84 posted 6/22/2013 15:34 PM

I was under the impression by my cell phone provider that I was going to receive the contents of the text messages that I did not get to see because I had my head in the sand at the time, they finally arrived and it is simply a number and time stamp. When I called to complain, I was told that I need to have my lawyer call the company and tell them to release the full, details of these texts. Seriously!? The CIA can see my texts for free but I have to bribe a lawyer because my numb-nutt of a WS lost his phone. (At least he doesn't have a head for remembering numbers. So I had her's blocked.) Shouldn't be too hard to find someone through networking who wouldn't mind pretending to represent me.