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grains posted 6/16/2013 11:55 AM

Hello SI,

DDay has been more than 2 years and we are struggling to reconcile. I have not done enough to give my BS the support she needs. In August my BS will move to another state to take a job and I would have to stay in a different state to keep mine. We will have to do this for a year. We both decided that this is the best option financially. I need advice on how to make my BS feel safe during this period. I will be visiting her often during that time. Your thoughts are very welcome.

Later posted 6/16/2013 13:14 PM

IDK, some of it is obvious - but should not be overlooked.

Frequent contact, and well timed contact.

If you were going to be meeting someone, not neessarily for sex but perhaps for lunch etc when would you do it?

Contact her then, let her know what you are doing: "sitting at my desk having a sandwich, how is your day going?

"I am going to drop by the mall after work, can you think of anything you or the kids need?"

LA44 posted 6/16/2013 13:28 PM

BS here. Do you go to IC? If not, would you go? I know that fact that my H is going means he is digging into himself and this brings me some peace.

Also, daily texts, calls, also great. Have you read Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages. Easy read. I would think it would be very hard to repair a relationship long distance but if you read his book and speak to her in HER language, it helps... altho I do admit that 2/5 languages (touching and quality time) are impossible long distance.

grains posted 6/16/2013 15:02 PM

Later
- Frequent contact and well timed contact. That is a good tool. I will certainly use it.

LA44
- I am seeing an IC and I'm also in a 12 step program. We do have the 5 Love Languages book and it is certainly a good one to always refer to.

Thank you. Let me now if you think up of more things.

Kelany posted 6/16/2013 15:52 PM

Even if she doesn't ask, take pictures with time stamps and text them to her.

Send her love notes via email and text. Thank her for giving you the opportunity to reconcile, to show her you've changed, to prove your trustworthiness now.

Send her cards in the mail. Flowers just because. Let her know you are thinking of her, often. If you miss her, tell her. Never let a chance go by when you're thinking of her to let her know.

When you're together make the most of that time.

If she needs reassurance, do not get frustrated. Acknowledge her need, tell her how sorry you are that you caused her pain and need for reassurance in the first place.

Patience, loving and understanding.

hatefulnow posted 6/16/2013 16:25 PM

Constant contact. Skype and video chat. Frequent calls and text during the day will also help.

When a person endures this there is always the danger of a revenge affair. They are in a weakened and vulnerable state so frequent contact will help you feel safe too. Lots of I'm sorry and I love yous.

LA44 posted 6/16/2013 18:01 PM

I like what SamB said too! In addition to the IC and the book reading, texting and calls, "out of the blue" stuff like flowers, notes of love (like, real letters!), and a home made music CD of your songs - old and new - are like wrapping the reassurances with a big bow of loooove.

LA

tryin2havefaith posted 6/16/2013 18:11 PM

Communicate often.
I like the Skype idea...you can take it a step further. See about a food delivery service in her city. Then plan a date nights via Skype.

Try to do things to woo her while you are apart. The more creative the better as she will see you really putting time/effort into R. Remember that actions speak so much louder than words.

Steppenwolf posted 6/16/2013 21:15 PM

Move with her. Let love triumph over finance.
Or at least use every bit of PTO you have to surprise her with a visit.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 6/16/2013 22:00 PM

I like the Skype idea...you can take it a step further. See about a food delivery service in her city. Then plan a date nights via Skype.
Try to do things to woo her while you are apart. The more creative the better as she will see you really putting time/effort into R. Remember that actions speak so much louder than words.

I like this

I have not done enough to give my BS the support she needs.

What do you mean by this?


grains posted 6/16/2013 23:30 PM

Thank you SI!

It is odd but I never really use texting but I will start now. The Skype date is a wonderful idea. There will be the cards and the emails, handwritten letters and the regular Skype. My BS planned my trips to see her at approximately three week intervals. I will certainly make each trip special like a holiday with her.

Broevil -

When I say I have not done enough to give my BS the support she needs it is a way of saying that I need to do more and whatever I have done so far still has not given her a feeling of safety.

Thank you again SI. Great ideas! Please tell me more.

Dawn58 posted 6/17/2013 02:04 AM

Be honest with her. Be transparent with her. Be accountable. Listen to her and ask her what she needs from you to feel safe.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 6/17/2013 07:18 AM

When I say I have not done enough to give my BS the support she needs it is a way of saying that I need to do more and whatever I have done so far still has not given her a feeling of safety.

Ok. what have you done to make her feel safe?

Lostinthehills posted 6/17/2013 19:52 PM

I hope this does not sound out of line but go with her..move to where she will be and sacrifice the job. I think by doing that she will know you are "with" her and feel secure that you are close to her...just a thought

grains posted 6/18/2013 00:07 AM

Broevil -
Let me start with what I have not done to make her feel safe.I did not actively seek counseling, get self-help books and even seek a forum like SI. She initiated all those for me. This makes her feel that I am not interested enough in her and in making her feel safe and wanted. Even when she exposed me to SI. I did not actively participate by probing deeper into my problems in posts and in replies. To make her feel safe means to do more of these things.

To the SI crew- thanks for the tips and questions. Please keep them coming.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 6/18/2013 07:58 AM

OK thanks for the clarity

I've done the same thing, let my BS take the lead.

I'm slowly breaking that habit.

If you guys are readers, you could read the same book and then talk about it.

A year is a long time...I'll keep thinking

meplusfour posted 6/18/2013 16:08 PM

I like to have tangible concrete items to help me feel safe. If you are moving, give BS a copy of your house keys, car keys and any other keys to locations that you may have access to, like a storage locker. Have copies of all of your bank statements, cell phone bills, etc. sent to her new address directly from the bank/phone company so that she can see that there is nothing to hide. Give her all of your passwords to your email accounts if you have not already done so. Do these things in a matter of fact way, without any fanfare.

With respect to keeping close, if both of you have an Ipad, use Facetime to talk while you are both watching the same tv show or movie.

Hope this helps.

grains posted 6/21/2013 21:47 PM

broevil -

We read books together and it helps - pages from "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From An Affair" , "The Realtionship Cure" & "How to Date Your Wife". It helps us talk and communicate with each other.


meplusfour-

We have Skype. I got the Skype dinner suggestion but yours is a good one too- Skype while watching the same movie or even different movies.

Thanks for the suggestions. Please keep them coming.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 6/22/2013 05:17 AM

If you guys are readers, you could read the same book and then talk about it.

I'm glad you guys read together!

I meant while you are apart. You could pick an un-infidelity related book to read and talk about.

grains posted 6/24/2013 01:27 AM

broevil

What a great idea! Pick a book - un-infidelity related - and talk about it. It can be a relationship book too. Thanks!

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