"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Abbondad posted 6/16/2013 15:41 PM

I just told my WW I do not want to be married to her anymore and gave her a copy of a financial affidavit to fill out.

She was dazed, asked a few questions, burst into tears, threw up, and left.

Predictions for upcoming reactions/actions?

ButterflyGirl posted 6/16/2013 16:13 PM

Whatever it is, it will be your fault

GabyBaby posted 6/16/2013 16:15 PM

I predict she goes to her apartment, calls Scum-OM to bitch and whine about how mean you are.

Then next time you see her, she'll be back to serve you the usual helping of bitch and snark, sprinkled with a touch of emotional manipulation, and perhaps some entitled bullshit speak as a cherry on top.

Dark Inertia posted 6/16/2013 16:22 PM

Maybe she'll send him another pic of her breasts.

AppleBlossom posted 6/16/2013 17:59 PM

Does it really matter how she reacts? I think we all know she will react in a way that suits her. Some days she will behave, some days she won't.

What is most important here is that you find a path that works for you, stick to it and be loving, honest and consistent with the kids. Now you have made the decision, your priority is to get them through it as best you can.

stronger08 posted 6/16/2013 18:37 PM

She was dazed, asked a few questions, burst into tears, threw up, and left.

Pretty much how a BS would react to finding out they were cheated on. Being blindsided sucks. Too bad for her. The best revenge a BS can inflict on the WS is a heavy dose of reality and consequences. As for what happens next. Who the fuck cares. After the pain of discovering infidelity everything else is gravy. Now prepare yourself for the legal fight that's sure to follow.

heartbroken_kk posted 6/16/2013 18:54 PM

Unless you actually saw vomit I bet it was an act to make you feel guilty.

Actions/reactions?

Work on HTFU. That's hardening the fuck up. Live, be, eat, sleep, breathe the 180. Give no quarter. Hide your own tears and moments of weakness. Avoid reacting whenever possible. Maintain NC except for very important exchange of facts re: kids. Share nothing about you.

Long run learning to fake it till you make it will serve you well. Keep her OUTSIDE your house. Change the locks. Do not open the door until you are ready to send the kids out through it. Better yet have her meet you at a neutral location for the exchange. YOU stay out of her apartment.

Your behavior is the only thing you can control. Set boundaries and stick to them. Act. Act in your own best interest. Do not react to her manipulations. Plan ahead.

Hugs for you Abbondad. It ain't easy.

Ashland13 posted 6/16/2013 19:27 PM

I wonder if you'll get anger, like I did?

Loyalty2Liberty posted 6/16/2013 19:28 PM

Her thoughts, feelings, reactions, and behavior have had a huge impact on your family life for quite some time now. After all, she was part of your family, one of the people you interacted with the most.

It's only natural that when her behavior became obviously manipulative, narcissistic, and toxic that you learned to be very, very anxious about what she might do next, especially if she's in a particularly volitile state.

Your focus on her feelings is very understandable. You may still be working on transitioning out of thinking of her as part of your family. That takes time and effort. It's not a light switch.

You don't know what kind of social drama or legal trouble or god knows what she'll throw at you next, and that's kinda scary, isn't it?

The good news though is that you don't have to live with her anymore. You already started making big steps. Whenever you find that worry about what she's thinking or doing creeping into your head, remind yourself that her crazy can't invade your home anymore. You're making yourself safe now, so whatever is brewing can't get you anymore.

Mikey56 posted 6/16/2013 19:33 PM

AD,

Stronger08 said it best, "who cares?" She is toxic at this point.

Strength to you brother. You deserve so much better.

Peace AD....

alphakitte posted 6/16/2013 20:46 PM

I hope you waited until she'd cleaned the toilet, first?

I imagine she'll be up and down, and angry and conciliatory, depending on what happens from time to time.

Stay the course regarding what is best for you and Abbondad's kids.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/16/2013 22:45 PM

I predict rollercoaster. She is going to cycle through all her manipulations interspersed with extreme rage because you are not behaving like the guy she has become accustomed to using.

DeadMumWalking posted 6/17/2013 00:01 AM

One possible reaction is that she will get a lawyer and file.

Please be the one to do that first.

momentintime posted 6/17/2013 01:26 AM

I would say she will come at you to win you back, but not really commit. Just a means to keep you as plan B. She wants her new life, but you had better stay in that little box she has allocated and enough life for you.

She wouldn't mean it if she did pour on the sugar. It would be all manipulation to keep stringing you along, making you double your decision. Once she sees you waiver, it is back to the same old cold wife, blaming you for everything, throwing OM in your face. Don't bite.

sudra posted 6/17/2013 06:05 AM

My guess is that she will come to you crying, saying "it's over" (lying, because she will plan to keep him on the side), and try to convince you that she finally understands what she has done (she won't) and that she wants you back. The last part may be a bit of the truth as you are her safety net and she does want you to continue to be that for her.

Or she might get really nasty and fight you on everything, because you've been so mean.

Really, as stronger said, who cares? You're moving on and getting stronger every day yourself. We can see it even when you can't. No matter what she does, continue to come here for support.

7yrsflushed posted 6/17/2013 08:11 AM

What stronger said

As for what happens next. Who the fuck cares.

and what deadmumwalking said

One possible reaction is that she will get a lawyer and file.
Please be the one to do that first.

Seriously STOP thinking, worrying, giving 2 shits about what she is thinking. The only thing you need to seriously consider is that once it becomes real to her that you want a divorce she will try to burn your ass to the ground.

Stop playing defense and go on the offensive. Start filling out the paperwork the lawyer sent you and start the process. The sooner you start the better your chances are of getting a fair deal. I got lucky. I filed while my STBX still felt guilt and walked away with a more than fair deal. I have 50/50 joint and legal custody of my children, kept my 401k, pension, the house, we kept our own debt, I pay state mandated CS, and no alimony. If I had tried to get that deal with her now she would laugh in my face. It's a business deal so get good at negotiating and remove the emotion.

Also keep a VAR with you at all times when talking to her in person.

ETA: this wasn't a 2X4, just hope you realize that fair doesn't really exist in the legal system. The sooner you get going the better off you will be. You are both playing chicken now and you can't win because until you detach she is driving a semi truck and you are on a skateboard. Focus and get through the lawyers homework assignments for you as quickly as you can. Yes it will suck but do some reading around the forums for some of the horror stories some BS's have related to D and the court system. I am just saying give yourself the best chance you have to come out with a fair deal and hopefully better than fair.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:19 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

Abbondad posted 6/17/2013 08:18 AM

Hi, Everyone,

Rough morning. Last night after delivering the divorce decree and feeling empowered, this morning I've been falling apart: shouting "at her" in the car ("How could you do,this," etc.), much sobbing.

I guess it's natural to have it hit me like this. Plus it was a tough morning getting the kids off to camp, walking three dogs, cleaning their nightly poop and pee... Just the life of a single dad, which I do not like and never planned for. I get everything done, but I am so angry with her for forcing me into this role.

I suppose I derive some bitter comfort from the fact that she is a terrible single mom--no control over the kids (who behave badly with her), cannot manage any chores or finances on her own....

As I seem to find myself in a vindictive mood (it provides me with some comfort, so indulge me):

Predict her future with the OM. I need some "karma comfort."

Again, some background: he is a 38 year old bachelor (WW is 42). Never married, no kids. Lives a bachelors lifestyle at a yacht club.

He never broke it off with her in the two years they've been at it. She has never left me. They have never spent one night together (she never slept over; always came home to me).

They have never been away together. They have never had much time together outside of three situations: work, before sex, during sex, and just after sex. And of course lots of phone time and texting.

Outcomes?

Chrysalis123 posted 6/17/2013 08:32 AM

Outcome: AD doesn't give a damn. AD is completely indifferent to them and their life.

AD and his kids form an incredible family. Even though this path was not the one he chose, he has made the best of it. the kids and he are stronger and emotionally healthier than ever due to the trials of the past....and due to awesome therapists!

Life goes on, and AD's life is serene, joyful, and full of love.

7yrsflushed posted 6/17/2013 08:34 AM

Predict her future with the OM. I need some "karma comfort."

No one can predict the future. The karma bus doesn't always make rounds and sometimes it never does. In fact I will one up you. What if he is "the one" and they live happily ever after and get married? Then what? Is that karma? Sometimes even if the karma bus hits, you don't always get to see the aftermath.

How about this instead, sit down and start thinking about Abbondad's future without your STBXWW. It seems weird at first but keep saying it over and over and it will stick. I can predict what your future will be pretty easily. If you choose to stop focusing on your hopefully STBXWW and turn that focus on you then your future will be great even if you can't see it yet. Keep focusing on resolving your issues whatever they may be and eventually you will be happy by yourself. Your M won't define you, your EX won't define you, and her A won't define you. You will define you and you will be truly happy. At some point you will start dating again but you will make better decisions because you worked through YOUR baggage and dating will actually be fun because there will be no pressure. You will be happy because you are happy with yourself. Your kids will be happy because you provide a stable home for them.

Or you can sit around wondering what your WW has been up to with OM or new OM or the next OM and continue to be miserable. If you don't let her go what you are experiencing now IS your future just worse because you will remain hung up on her. Worst case scenario she does come back to you as plan B and you think you are happy for a few months but you won't be because she will want to rugsweep and you won't be able to. She won't work on her issues so nothing changes and eventually she leaves you again, another DDay, or files for D. Either way much more pain and misery for you and your kids.

Not exactly what you asked and I guess you were looking for an answer along the lines of it won't work with OM. That is likely true but it won't work with you either because she is still broken so once she uses up this OM she WILL move on to the next one. So stop focusing on her and focus on you and moving forward. The more time you spend thinking of her and OM the longer you stay in the shitstorm. Detach and free yourself so when your D is final you can walk away without any emotional ties to her that she can use. Indifference is a great thing once you get there.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:35 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

atsenaotie posted 6/17/2013 08:44 AM

Outcomes?

Whatever you decide to make it. Are you the person you want to be, or becoming that person? Dor you provide a safe and nurturing environment for your children? Do you pursue fitness so that in your older age you can be activy and healthy? Is your work supporting you or eating at you?

The success or lack thereof in your life will not be measured by what occurs in your XWW's life, but in the things you accomplish and the things you attempt.

I know you were looking to indulge in some "look how much WW has f*cked *p her life", but that only serves to connect you back to her drama. I would rather celebrate the at time painful success that AD is having blazing the new trail for his life.